I don't know what to do anymore!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
I don't know what to do anymore!
1
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:59am

About six weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break, where we'd only see each other about once a week. We had a similar break during last September. Both times the break was mainly for him so he could really think about what he wanted out of our relationship. We've been really pushing to figure this out, because we're both graduating from grad school in May. While he's staying here in Iowa to continue with his Ph.D (he's from here anyway), I wouldn't want to stay here (I'm from Alabama) unless we were together. I don't have any reason to stay here except for him. At the end of last September, we decided to just stay together and see what happened.

Right now, I'm having to apply for jobs for after I graduate, and I'm deciding on locations. There have been warning signs that he's unsure about a future between us: he didn't want to visit my parents during the holidays because of the "expectations" it placed on him (although we did visit them in July); he didn't want to plan our one year anniversary about a month in advance (I only wanted to because I needed to make bed and breakfast reservations). I didn't want to bother apply for jobs in the area if he couldn't even see us together in the future. I've been pressured by my family to figure out where I'm going, because they have to fly in to help me move.

So, six weeks ago, we went on this break to help him figure stuff out. About a week in, we had our little once a week date, during which he said that he'd been so busy, he hadn't had time to think. His response: "I want to be with you RIGHT NOW." The unspoken message being: I'm just not sure about later.

About a week into our break, I decided to confront him about how he felt. We'd broken most of our break rules anyway (we'd seen each other more than once, we'd had sex, etc). He still couldn't give me a straightforward answer. He kept telling me how much he loved me, but he still wasn't sure enough about us to say he wanted us to continue after graduation.

By then, I'd had it with all the "maybe"s, and I decided that it was over between us. I just couldn't stay with someone that wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. Of course we both cried a lot, and he kept telling me that he loved me, but in the end I had to kick him out of my apartment so he'd leave.

The next week was hell. We both share office space, so we kept seeing each other throughout the following week. That weekend, I got drunk and called him for a ride. We ended up having sex at my place. The next night, he got drunk and called ME for a ride. He was so drunk (he rarely drinks much at all) that I was afraid he had alcohol poisoning. So I ended up staying up the whole night watching over him at his place. The following day, I spent at his apartment, taking care of him. That night, we slept together again.

When Monday arrived, a week after our break-up, I realized that sleeping together hadn't changed anything about the intial fact that he wasn't sure about it. I was really depressed, and decided never to sleep with him again. But the weekend rolled around, and we decided to go out to dinner to see how each other was doing. We're each other's best friends, so it's very difficult to have NC. Throughout dinner and a movie, he kept insinuating that he wanted to have sex. I got mad at him and said I would leave if that was all he wanted from me now - he seemed appalled and really apologized. In the end, we did end up sleeping together, though he would've left if I had told him to.

It's been about a month since we broke up, and we now have this trend of sleeping together every week or so. He's gone to a conference right now, but he said he'd call me when he got back into town, and I'm assuming we'll have sex. At first, I was devastated by feeling like we'd turned into a "friends with benefits" relationship, but it feels like it runs deeper than just that. Besides, the sex has been FANTASTIC after we broke up. I'd hoped that this break-up would shock him into figuring out if he wants me in his life after graduation or not, but the fact that we're still having sex is probably confusing that. But on the other hand, I worry about having NC with him at all, that maybe he'll just easily glide into singlehood and be fine with that.

I really want to be with him. We've been together over a year - he's 25 and I'm 24. I feel stupid that graduation should be the deciding fact in our relationship. He's said before that he wishes we had more time. We'd still be together if it wasn't for graduation.

But still - shouldn't I be with someone that's sure about me? What if I'm letting a totally great guy (which he is) pass me by? He seems so nonchalant sometimes about the fact that I'm leaving in May, except for the fact that he cried a lot during our break-up.
oOn one hand, I feel like begging him to take me back, so that we can see what happens in a month together. On the other, I'm not sure I can take having my heart broken again.

ARGH! I'm so confused and I don't know what to do anymore! Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 10:08am

arishia...

Pianoguy read your lengthy post....and has only one question:

"WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU PLANNING YOUR FUTURE AROUND (OR BASED) ON SOMEBODY ELSE?" You're a 24-year old woman who has the world ahead of her....and you just want to 'kiss it off' for somebody who is unstable? .

You might provide the release from the 'sexual tension' this man obviously has...but a longterm future....NADA!

Take the break...AND MEAN IT THIS TIME!

Pianoguy