i don't know what to do with myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
i don't know what to do with myself...
1
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:00am

Hi everyone,

i'm new to this message board but it's the morning after the worst break up of my life and as the title says.. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and i had been dating for several intense months.. he's always been really quiet and reserved but sweet, wonderful and affectionate. i could tell that he'd been claming up more so last weekend i asked him directly if something was wrong.. he went on to tell me all this heavily emotional stuff about his family.. he even cried..i've never seen a guy cry before. I realized that night that I was in love with him. I thought the whole ordeal had brought us closer together and the next night I felt like we had this private little world separate from everyone around us. we spoke this week like nothing had happened and when he came to stay with me this weekend we spent more time together than we usually do.. when he suddenly said he had to leave late last night, i pressed him for what was wrong for what seemed like an eternity before he finally said something. he sincerely asked me how i felt about him at which point i told him i loved him. his response was don't say that. my response was wow can this possibly get worse. surely, it did. he proceeded to tell me that he hasn't felt the way he used to about me for a while and that he was lying to himself when he thought these feelings would go away. i've never said i love you to anyone before. at this point i'm bawling and repeatedly asking him to leave as i throw the crap he's had in my apartment for months into his bag. he kept trying to hug me and touch me.. what is it with guys?? anyway, he finally did leave at which point I'm sure he heard my insane crying as I fell to the floor. he didn't come back. my roommate saw him on his way out the door and asked why he was leaving, when he didn't respond she asked if everything was ok? to which he said no and left. he hasn't called, texted, imed, or emailed. I cried for about six hours after he left and now.. that it's twelve hours later I'm not quite sure how to deal. i feel like i can't eat or sleep or work.. i have this long-standing history of becoming depressed after breakups to the point where functioning becomes impaired. am i really not hearing from him again? we made all these holiday plans... how can i cope with the fact that the first person i really fell in love with, the first person i thought truly, sincerely cared about me, thought nothing more of me than a short meaningless fling?

lost,
sonja

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:22pm


::i feel like i can't eat or sleep or work..

That's normal, you will have to force yourself.

Ok, I'm confused....

::i have this long-standing history of becoming depressed after breakups to the point where functioning becomes impaired.

then you wrote:

::how can i cope with the fact that the first person i really fell in love with, the first person i thought truly, sincerely cared about me, thought nothing more of me than a short meaningless fling?

If you have a history of this, why aren't you addressing it in therapy? I 'd be willing to bet that every time you go through a break up you thought you were really in love and with each new relationship, you dismiss the feeling of the last one.

::am i really not hearing from him again?

That could be a very real possiblity. You have to focus on you and your healing. Take care of you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. In the next section check out my post 'Don't know what to do with yourself?' It's a long list of things to do.

My best to you. Sorry you have to go through this and that you are in pain.


Carrie