I don't know what happened.....
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| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:38pm |
Hi....
I'm new here. I don't know what the heck happened...I was in a relationship with someone for two and a half years...we were friends for a year before that (really good friends). I left another relationship for him. The relationship I left was a "comfortable" one....he was never comfortable, he was always...love. If that makes sense.
Anyways...like all couples we have had problems in the past. I was very, very immature when we started dating, drank a lot, partied, etc...he knew this. A month into our relationship, I drunkely kissed someone..I don't remember doing it to this day, but he saw me and I believe him. Never, ever did anything like it again...and he forgave me. We are both very "alpha" personalities....but love was always there. Arguments, yes, but again, our personalities with everybody, not just us.
We had taken breaks before...last September was one for maybe a month or so. We went back to being friends, realized how great we were and were back together. We still had issues...but both were aware and working on them. He is a VP and is always busy..but I was backing off on the nagging and he was freely making more time for me. He came and took me to lunch last week--coming into my actual work building for the first time (he has been there and hung out with coworkers, just not inside). He bought me couches a few weeks ago and has been helping me pick out new roommates for my apartment. We had a camping trip planned for june.
Last Thursday, we went out with my best friend and her boyfriend...and he was talking about going up to the casino and getting rooms in a month or so with them. All three of them had lunch the next day to plan a vacation for my 25th birthday...they even told me later in the night ideas. We went out to a happy hour that night with a bunch of my co workers..and things got weird. He was drinking, I was drinking...we were ignoring each other. I took him outside and kind of freaked (which was wrong and I apologized later in the night) out at him about it...and we went back in silent. He made silly faces at me across the bar...and then disappeared.
He had my keys to my place in his car, and I didn't want to wait in the parking lot..so a friend brought me back to his place...and he shows up two hours later. Claiming to have walked down to the pier...brought me home, broke up with me, and then sent me a text telling me "Love you"
He texted me all weekend, time to reflect, need space, blah blah...I answered..I shouldn't have. Yesterday he texted me...I'm canceling the camping trip. I flew up to his place and demanded to know what the heck. Apparently the "Love you" text meant love you like a person he doesn't love me anymore...but he had as recently as two weeks, a week ago. I just ended up leaving. He kept texting me it would be okay last night...I finally ignored it.
I'm a wreck. I haven't been the best girlfriend, but I love him and he knows that. He kept saying he can't be with anyone, maybe he isn't meant to be in a relationship..but why drag me along? Planning my birthday the same day he breaks up with me? I'm crying now just writing this...I don't even know what to think. I mean, he means it...but I don't know. I just can't...I've been in love before, but not like it was with him. And yes, he helped me through a lot, but that is not even it....it's just him. He's....special. And his eyes, when I saw them yesterday...well the eyes are the window to the soul..and I really don't believe they matched his words.
I'm just such a wreck...not working, just sitting here...crying in the shower, crying...I won't call him. Won't text him. He is in CA this week just got a new job with a very high profile company--there signing paperwork and meeting CEOs, etc. Apparently one of the texts was that he would drop of clothes of mine that he found next week...but he will do it when i'm not here....
I don't know. Please. Any words are help.....he means the world to me. I just can't understand what happened....
Stephanie

Hey Steph, I'm very sorry that happened.
Before someone goes jumping in about "it got too real" or "commitmentphobia"
Hi Sandra...
I haven't been the best girlfriend meaning...I did a lot of growing up in the relationship. I was very selfish and immature for at least the first year...but not the last. And he chose to stick around. I told him on our break back in September that if he would be happier with out me...then I would rather be miserable and he can go be happy. But not now..and not like this. Occasionally, I do get silly and immature...but only when I drink. Which is NOT an excuse and I am fully aware of that. He hated the fact that I drink at all (I don't drink a lot, only when I go out with my friends and no more than 4 drinks...when this happened Friday, I had already switched to water for the rest of the night..it was like 8pm) (he drinks too) and when I said I would stop...he would be the one to buy me drinks again and tell me it was okay to drink.
He is my heart....and I just can't understand. I have been very supportive of this new job and understanding with the time away....I share everything with him. I don't know if it because of bad times...he says he only remembers more bad times than good...which is BS...I can name SO many good times that he would remember as well. He told me that he didn't feel like he could talk to me...but then he never, ever tried since we both said things were getting better, so that's a cop out.
Oh and Sunday, I was so upset, I went up and dropped off some of his clothes and our special pictures and these stuffed bears he got me (sounds silly, but they have very special meanings behind them). I came back home yesterday and he had put everything--including his clothes--back at my house. This was before I flew up there and the camping text...
I don't know...this just cuts. Hard and deep.
Stephanie
Stephanie
Ok, I've been thinking about this since I saw your reply. Now granted I'm no expert but I do alright, and someone else probably has some excellent and more insightful ideas as to what to do about what's going on, but here's my take on this.
You're in shock, of that I'm sure and maybe these comments are better left to when you've had some time to digest it all, but I'll try anyway ;)
The actions he took before the breakup and the actual breakup itself don't jive at all, you're right, except for one very particular thing: He said he felt he couldn't talk to you. Now, it seems you disagree with that and pretty much dismiss it, but this IS how he feels. A man must be able to feel he's being heard, has a voice within his relationship, feel safe and secure enough in the relationship in order to open up. If he cannot open up for whatever reason, he's not going to hold onto that relationship, no matter how good it seems on the outside or how long it's been. To say "he had all these chances and just never took them," well, some of us are very wary of opening ourselves up. I can exchange all kinds of ideas with someone I barely know, post all kinds of helpful input to perfect strangers on the net, have great conversations with someone I only just met, but ask me to open up to the one man I love? OMG, you may as well ask me to perform open-heart surgery on myself. For some people, it's absolutely paralyzing to attempt to talk about a controversial or highly personal thing within a relationship, so their "efforts" may not come across as readily. And no, it's no one else's responsibility to get me to open up, it's mine, but it helps if they're careful in their approach or just give me the room to do it. You said he never tried, maybe he did, maybe he did not. What's going on is your perception and his aren't jiving. Question: IS it possible he tried, even once, and you either never noticed or somehow it got shut down?
As far as good times vs. bad times, you can have a thousand good times with someone, but if the impact or the severity of one of the bad time outweighs the good.... it's quality over quantity, although quantity helps. Also, if the bad times were repetitive, the same bad thing kept happening over and over, like your attitude change when you drink, then that will color things as well, he may have gotten to the point where he thinks it'll never change. Is it possible for you to curb your drinking? It's not that you drink so much, it's that the way even a little affects you is apparently not the most attractive thing about you ;) Again, quality over quantity.
None of this is to say it's all your fault, but when there are two people in a relationship, there are two avenues of opportunity for a relationship to go south. I'm not trying to point a finger, but he's not here for me to talk to, you are, so I'm dealing with what I saw in your post with you.
I'm thinking that a new approach to the relationship and to yourself, rather than a bunch of tears about why it's over, may be exceptionally helpful, unless I'm missing something in my reading of your post.
Best,
Hi,
Thanks again for the response. The problem is, is that we were communicating...and I can't understand WHY he couldn't talk to me or why he even said that he couldn't since we have been recently. I wouldn't jump down his throat, I couldn't do that. I would want my opinions heard and I would want him to know that I want to hear and respect his. I have told him this so many times too.
I came into work today--late, and I'm only staying 6 hours--and he had sent me an email yesterday, in reply to a forward I hadn't even realized I had sent him. He said "The pictures are funny. I'm leaving for the airport. I'll drop off your clothes next week or have my sister do it."
I responded (I know I shouldn't have) "I shouldn't even be responding to this. I don't want the clothes and don't involve your sister by having her drop them off. If you can't face me, then that is just messed up. The whole situation is messed up. Please stop texting me everything will be okay too, because it is NOT."
I've been crying non stop--I told my family I don't want anything planned for my birthday in a few weeks and if any one so much as says happy birthday I'm going to break down.
As for the drinking...I'm going to go to an AA meeting later tonight....for the support and to see what it is all about. I don't think I am that bad at all...I don't NEED to drink, but it can't hurt. I also have a meeting with a therapist on Sunday...another objective 3rd party.
I know he's not coming back...and I really can't handle it. I'm sitting here at work in front of my computer crying while I'm writing this...
Thank you for your responses....they have helped a bit...
Stephanie