I don't understand men at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
I don't understand men at all!
14
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:41am

I have to get this out of me because I'll spend the day crying and it's useless. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years LAST week. I've realized he wants me to be someone I'm not, and he is not willing to do his bits n' pieces to become someone I need and want, too.

So I drove to his house this morning to retrieve some belongings (he knew I'd be there today) and another woman's car was in the driveway. I was kept outside and told blatently to leave. Another woman! I will guess he just met her last night, for her purse and little else was in the car. So he had a one-night stand 7 days after we broke up...and during this week I've heard nothing but emails and messages saying I love you, I'm sorry, come back.

This has ultimately and obviously closed the door to any form of reconciliation. I'm not someone who can sleep with a stranger 7 days after leaving someone I seriously considered marrying. But I cannot fathom how anyone could do this!!! I have never been so sad and empty and I just don't understand why women will go home with strangers and why ex-boyfriends are complete jerks.

Thanks for letting me vent, ladies! Love stinks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:21am

Hugs. I know it hurts but let me tell you a secret. when you breakup, ALL bets are off. When I was on the divorce board, all of us realized, the person we married (incl the men) were NOT the person we were divorcing. Most ppl, when breakups occur, become so unlike the wo/man we knew once. They take care of their own heart, even if that means hurting you in the process. Also, if you or him ended it, someone changed, right?

So the man of character, may not have been that man for awhile, but you didn't see it. And also, remember this last thing.....no one will react "just like you". I'm going thru my own breakup, and I always sit here and fight myself to not call the guy, but yet, it seems so easy for him to just move on with his life. That is, until I talk to him for whatever reason, and I find out, nope, he's hurting just as much as me, he wants to talk to me, just as much as I want him. But he is stronger in that area of no contact. so it just SEEMS like he has moved on. He hasn't.

As for your story and all the others I read, it's just an unhealthy immature way to deal with a breakup. If you think about your r'ship, you'll realize all the immature, unhealthy ways he deals with things. I wasn't called a psycho bitch after a breakup for no reason (back in my teens/early 20s, not so much now. lol). I'd become angry, hurt. I'd lash out, then want them back. I'd call them names, go have sex with another man and throw it in his face, then tell the x, that I love him and I want him back. I'd psycho call them (you know, ever two minutes), and when he'd answer, I'd tell him how stupid, how messed up he is, then, I'd tell him I love him. I'd call a guy, tell him I miss him and I love him so much, and then be very sweet and nice, but later, I'd be having sex with someone else to deaden then hurt. I did all the contradictory things because I was hurt, I was angry, and I had absolutely no control over my emotions.

So women (and men)....if your x is acting like this, just realize, most of it is probably out of hurt and anger. Especially if they say the love you, miss you, want you, but then is dating/seeing/screwing another woman, or going psycho on you.

We all may be born healthy emotionally, but we don't all stay that way. I know I didn't. :P

Hugs to everyone and the OP. I would say don't take it personally, but I know that's stupid, cuz everythign hurts and it's all personal, regardless of the reasons. at least this way, you can talk yourself down from the pain he's causing you by being with another woman. at least a little. and every little helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 3:03pm

Wow...great post.

Yes, both men and women can be the 'psycho bitch' after a break up. Balance...thanks.

I too am struggling with the 'no contact' part of the break up. I just have never been able to understand how someone can love someone so much at one point and then not want to have anything to do with them later. For me, it is so much easier moving on if there can still be occational contact, sure it fades in time, but makes the adjustment easier. I guess with others, they just need to put it in their past by cutting off that past and trying to foget it all. Just like you said, people are different and they don't have to react and cope in the same way.

Good luck with your healing and moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 12:03pm
Very well said.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 12:13pm

Erika, TOTALLY..

My ex and I mutually split Sept. 16th. The next day at some bar, he met a chick and slept with her that night. Now she is is sex buddy. She goes over once a week, they have sex and that's it. He told her he doesn't want a gf since he just ended a long term thing. I know he never takes her anywhere as his car died and he is between job so has no money for dates ..so I too ask what kind of woman settles for being a sex buddy without the benefits..NOT ME...

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