I don't understand myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
I don't understand myself...
3
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:46pm

I don't understand why it has to be this way. I had a boyfriend for about a year. I never really fell in love so to speak. But he fell in love with me. He was my first boyfriend and I was new to everything. I didn't know what I wanted in a guy, what a relationship involved and I definitely made a ton of mistakes. I pretty much knew that he wasn't the one but yet I stayed. I think just to have someone there for me and to know that someone in the world cares about me so much. What I don't get is why it didn't feel right to me, he treated me wonderfully, would be sweet to me even around his friends, has a head on his shoulders, wants me to be a stay at home mom (and I want that in life too!). It just feels like everything would be PERFECT with him, but for some reason I just can't do it. I just always get these feelings telling me NO. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. If those are some things that I want from a relationship, yet it didn't work, it makes me wonder if it will ever work...? I am trying to learn from this relationship what it is I do want in someone, and I keep thinking of things we had. I feel like we had pretty much everything I want but stupid me just doesn't "feel it", I don't know whether I need more passion or excitement, or if I feel I can be happier with someone else or maybe it's both, I don't know.

I mean you always hear people saying to just move on and accept it, but learn your lesson and it will help figure out what you do want and what is right for you. Well he had pretty much everything I could want, so that makes it tough. I don't know if time will help or what, I hope it does. Has anyone else ever been in or heard of a situation like this? I guess I know it doesn't always happen so easily, but I feel like I am leaving something great behind, but at the same time I know it wouldn't work, believe me, I would break up and go back to him like 20 times, I just kept trying I guess...
So please any advice??? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 3:04pm
Hon, i am going through the exact same situation only luckily for my relationship was for only two months, but i know what you mean. He was an absoutely amazing guy, very nice, and we had chemistry from the start. I always had a small reservatoin inside me taht I didn't care about, i just kept pushing passed, that told me he wasn't for me. I just wanted to be with him, and be with someone that loved me and sure enuogh he did. Harder than that, i told him taht I loved him first, making him really feel like I wasn't going anywhere and then bam, i get freaked. I dont know why but I just can't bear to be in the relationship right now and I dont understand. It makes me feel even worse knowing that he's hurt and wants me to "work on myself" so that i can i guess, go back to him eventually. In your situation, one important thing to note is that this was your first boyfriend, and it was a serious relationship. That can be confusing on many levels since you dont have much else to compare to. You may have doubts that this guy is the one for you because you've only been with one person. Some people just know, others aren't sure. It's hard to know if you're making the right decisions or doing the right things, but liek I'm trying to do myself, it's important to follow your heart and see where it takes you. My first relationship lasted on and off for almost 6 years. He was my first love, and we had a deep connection that kept bringing us back but there was a fatal incompatability that tore us apart. We were just growing to be too different and it just ended, very badly and sadly, and will always be with me that he was my first but now I know I have moved on. I realized that without him I wouldn't know half of what I want now, but I know that he wasn't the one for me. It's hard when it's your first boyfriend, but you have to analyze why you weren't happy even though you think you dont know why. Perhaps it was just that you were afraid to be in one relationship, your first relationship, and that would be all you'd see. Or even maybe that you were just with this guy to have a relationship, and now that you've experianced one, you've started to think about things that you really want and it may not be in the one you had. Just because the guy is sweet and kind does not mean he's the one for you. that's what everyone keeps telling me, it's important to think about you. I hope I helped some, I know that it's a hard place to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:10am

Hi. Thank you so much for responding. I am just so lost right now, ha. But I am learning to not dwell on it because what's done is done. I think with time, I am able to see certain things about the relationship that I haven't seen before, basically I am learning from it, which is good. You brought up a good point about how he was my first boyfriend AND it was a serious relationship, I think that did a lot to me, emotionally. I felt bad because he was so for sure with how he felt, and I was always unsure. As much as I wish it could of just worked out and wished I could've fallen for him, part of me is glad because now I can learn and become a stronger person, one with more experience. Another good point you made is that maybe I did stay "just to have a relationship", because for the longest time I just wanted a boyfriend, I never had one and I felt like I should have had one by then, so maybe that's part of why I jumped into. My ex also feels I just need to "work on myself", because I would tell him the "it's not you, it's me" line, and he believes it because he loves me just that much. So I think part of him thinks I will come back again and it will be for good, I mean I know that he has hope. But oh well. I know that I can't.

Things are actually feeling a little better because before I would always think about us and the things we did and how I always had someone there for me. For example, when something bad comes my way or when I get down, I wished he was there for comfort but now I realize those are wrong feelings and just feelings that I want someone to lean on. So I am getting better now. I guess I am learning that I have to make myself happy and not rely on someone else for things like that. I'm still sorting all of this out, not completely there yet! but those are some thoughts!

Like I said, with time I will learn more, become stronger and hopefully move on. I think that is the biggest component here- TIME. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:19am

Wow you sound so much like me it's not even funny. I think it's nice to hear someone else going through the same thing right now, even though it's a bit different and i know lots of people go through this. You know what i mean hehe. Im glad that you are feeling better, that's important and time will tell how you grow and change from this. You just have to be patient with yourself and trust yourself. that's what i keep thinking. It's weird because I feel so right in this, because the only thing bothering me is hurting him. "My ex also feels I just need to "work on myself", because I would tell him the "it's not you, it's me" line, and he believes it because he loves me just that much. So I think part of him thinks I will come back again and it will be for good, I mean I know that he has hope. But oh well. I know that I can't. " that was pretty much exactly something I am feeling and thinking right now. I said the same things, it's easier, and it sometimes is the only way we sheepishly get out of things. But that's what i did, and right now im dealing with the "you fix yourself so we can get back together" kind of ex. I dont want to tell him but im going to have to, that i dont see a future for us.

" guess I am learning that I have to make myself happy and not rely on someone else for things like that. I'm still sorting all of this out, not completely there yet!" I can totally relate. Thats exactly what im going to do. Good luck, darling!
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