I dont want to breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
I dont want to breakup
2
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 9:18pm

Hi, Im new to this board and in warning this is probably going to be pretty long...Im so confused as of what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 6:49pm

Hi christy,

Building relationships can be difficult sometimes, but they most certainly shouldn't be hard.

Although I can understand why you would be upset about a lie, especially one about something so seemingly innocuous, I think what you're really upset about is that he treated you as though you were a fool, as though you never saw what you saw, as though his denial could just erase it even when faced with physical evidence. Now, he may just have had hand-in-the-cookie-jar syndrome ('no, I didn't take that cookie' while wiping crumbs off his face) but the way to get through that one is to just laugh it off and say, 'Ok, you got me.' Maybe he just doesn't know that, who knows. You could probably let him off the hook by saying that.

When we're faced with something, say a choice, and we choose one thing over another, we can't exactly blame anyone else for those choices. What I mean to say by that is that *he* didn't tell your sister she couldn't stay, *you* did. You didn't have to, you honestly could have chosen for her to stay and to live with his annoyance. Unfortunately, your life is ruled by fear; fear of losing him, fear of disappointing or displeasing him, fear of being on your own. The truth of the matter is that no one can live any kind of happy life when all decisions and actions in it are based in fear. No good outcome can come from that.

The only one who can make you feel really secure is you. I'm not sure if that's going to fall on deaf ears) or blind eyes, as it were). Your responsibility is to your kids, and that doesn't mean find a man who will take care of you, that means find a partner who will stand by you. That means it's on you until that happens, and if you want to be married and he's 'still figuring it out' then why move in togehter? Don't put yourself or your kids at risk that way from now on. Your insecurity comes from within, from knowing you haven't stepped up the way you should be in your own life, from knowing you've handed the reins over to someone else, someone who may not want them or may not be capable of them. Truthfully, no one should ever hand the reins completely over to anyone else. This life of yours is *your* ride, not his. It's time you start stepping up and really taking care of business in your life. Don't just depend on someone else to do it for you. I can guarantee you'll feel much better about yourself if you do that.

Personally, I don't believe there is a good time to start telling someone you feel insecure without them, it's much too big a burden to ask someone else to carry their life and yours too. You may want to seek out some individual counseling in order to begin to learn how to take care of yourself from the inside out and not just the outside in.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 10:22am

Thanks for your reply.


Well here is an update...last night we went out...and I got a chance to talk to him, and he was great about everything...he is really a wonderful boyfriend...Im very lucky!