i don't want to give up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
i don't want to give up
6
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:15am
hi, this is my first time on a message board but i really need some insight. i was until a month ago dating the best person i ever met. i had been a confident single female when he walked into my life and still am but i just can't grasp the possibility of him not in my life and i'm feeling not so confident. when i first saw him i felt an instant connection, on our first date i said this is the guy i'm going to marry. we talked about this instant connection and he said he felt the same. we dated for the last year and half and things were always a bit on the challenging side when it came to communicating with him. not that he doesn't want to it's that he is an engineer with a mind that over-anaylizes everything. we can talk and talk about a topic for hours but i'm not always sure what he's looking for. i have been through a lot of things in life (parents divorce, 5 yr breakup) but i don't dwell on it and he says he just wants to understand these things. he's great and really does want to know but it's like my views are never good enough. he states all the time how much i mean to him and he means the world to me. on a day-to-day bases we communicate very well. every other aspect of "us" is great. i still get butterflies when we see each other, our chemistry, sex life, intellectual, experinces are all great. we are both so nice to each other. well about a month ago now he says that he just doesn't know what he wants. he won't tell me it's over just that he needs time. we started out talking here and there but with all the confusion we just keep spinning circles. i said if you have nothing left in you for us to work just tell me and i will be done but he can't say that but he also can't say he wants us. i don't know what to do this has blindsided me. i believe in "us" and know that we can work through these select things but i'm hurting so bad without him in my life. i've talked to his bestfriend and he said joe at 33 is afraid. he also said i was the best thing that has happened to joe. why can't joe see this? why is he so afraid when what we have is special? he even said what we have is special and that he has thought about spending the rest of his life with me but now he's being so distant. i'm so confused...if he loved me why would he be doing this? my heart tells me to not give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:45pm

::i have been through a lot of things in life (parents divorce, 5 yr breakup) but i don't dwell on it and he says he just wants to understand these things. he's great and really does want to know but it's like my views are never good enough.

Ah, the feeling of being under a microscope, his way of seeing how you think (logic) vs. how you feel and if he's a typical engineer, he doesn't understand your 'feeling' parts.

::well about a month ago now he says that he just doesn't know what he wants. he won't tell me it's over just that he needs time.

How much time does he want? My guess is he's afraid of something and can't communicate it AND you are the one with the broken heart.

Only you know how long you are willing to wait - good luck to you!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:26pm
you are right about logic vs. feeling because he is your typical engineer. i just wish i didn't love him and his frustrating way. he says he wants to not talk for a month because he just isn't sure right now. well this has left me hanging...at times with hope and others scared that this could be it. i honestly with all my heart think we can get past this and have something great if he can get past whatever he has going on. i've been in serious relationships before but everything with him is different...i feel this is the first i've truly loved someone in the "right" way. his way of thinking is very straight laced...he believes this is how it should be and sometimes that's that. it's not that he doesn't listen and hear me out but he's just being so darn hard right now. in the meantime i'm just so darn sad. i cry every day and can not stop thinking of him. everything reminds me of us. i hate this. if this is truly the end it just doesn't feel right.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:30pm

Give him the 30 days...I know it seems like an eternity but it *will* pass. If he isn't ready to move forward by then, however, then you need to move on for yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted...how many days into it are you?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:35pm

well it's been one month since we broke up but we talked throughout the month. he said 2 sundays ago that he wants a month where we just don't talk so he can think clearly without us spinning our tires. i do understand that part but it's just so darn hard. the thought of him meeting someone else in that time scares me but i know that's that the type of person he is. when he says he wants to take time to think that's what he's doing.

he's just being so dumb about these few things because in reality there is nothing that can't be worked out but in his mind he's making it so dramatized...why did i have to fall for a engineer.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:41pm

Ok, so you just have 2 weeks to go? That's not long...it will pass.

You have to believe that if it's meant to be, it'll work out, and if it's not, it won't. Worrying about things won't make a difference. I know, easier said than done ;-), but I do find it helpful to think in those terms when my mind starts racing with the "what ifs".

I also find it helps to keep in mind that he is not you. To you, this is "dumb"...but for him, it's necessary. Different doesn't mean "wrong". If you're going to end up together, you need to accept him AS IS.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:53pm
i completely hear what you are saying and i do agree. i know how he thinks about things and i do consider all to be important. just hoping in this time he will realize all the good. i guess when i said dumb it's just out of frustration. i want more than anything for him to come back willing to accept me because i do accept him but that doesn't mean i understand completely...it's a constant learning game. i do believe in the saying if it's meant to be. i appreciate all your advice and i'm sure in the next two weeks i will be on here venting again. it's been the hardest emotional rollercoaster i've ever been on...guess because this is my future or what i hope it is. this is my first on one of these message boards and i'd have to say it really helps. i've been writing in a journal for years but it's nice to get responses back.