I ended it, so why does it hurt so bad?
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| Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:01pm |
I just ended my relationship of three and half years. But, if I ended it, why does it still hurt so much?
The story...
We met in college and I honestly thought he was the one. We were so in love. We dated in college for a year and then graduated. We went home to our parents' houses and are both still living with our parents. We were doing okay for a while. But, our lives started to go on separate paths. I am a part time grad student, while working a full time job and doing a part time internship. He works as a firefighter, so his schedule is all over the place. Over the last six to seven months, things just sucked. We were communicating well, I was starting to not trust him. The distance was getting to us. But it was more than that. I felt like I was growing and he was staying the same. He still wants to go out to the same bar and do shots all night like we were in college. He wasn't interested in what I was doing, but at the same time, I became disinterested in what he was doing.
So, sounds like a good idea to break-up right? I agree...then why does it suck so much?
When I'm not running around, when I finally have down time, I get overwhelmed and cry. In the car, before I fall asleep. Did I stop working on the relationship? Did I do what I could to change? Could this have worked? Can it still?
But moreover...why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't he fought for me? I wanted him to fight for me. To tell me that we could work it out. That he loved me! Why is this so easy for him? Why is this so hard for me? Is he already with someone else? Did he already go out with his friends and hook up? Was he so happy that I did the dirty deed that he just went out and reaped the benefits of a break-up guilt-free.
I KNOW! I'M CRAZY! But this is just feels too bad to be right. But it is right...it's just not what I want. I want things to be great...to be what it was.
I haven't called him yet...but I'm getting the urges. I deleted all his numbers from my phone so that I can't call him...or if I do I have to dial all the numbers first so hopefully I'll get my senses back. But...i'm getting weaker...
When does this stop?

It sucks because it still hurts, because you still have to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been and for what you hoped would have been. Our feelings don't just 'turn off' or disappear once a decision is made. Everything you feel is normal.
This board is pretty slow on the weekends, but hopefully by Monday you will have more advice. Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
What the others said is true. It hurts because you remember what you guys once had and that it used to be good. You probably had plans for the future, or at least a vague idea of what you wanted to happen, and now it won't. Right after my ex broke up with me, one of the thoughts and feelings that came first was a sense of being deprived of my future. The future I had imagined. It wasn't like I had planned an entire life with him in my head (at least not in those clear terms), it was more the immediate future that was destroyed. I'd been waiting to see him again in soooo long and we had a vacation planned for January... one that I had imagined would be absolutely awesome, and suddenly it was never going to happen. All that gone, in one instant. That hurts. Even though you were the one to break up, I'm sure you experience similar feelings. You once had something with this guy and you miss that and you feel sad thinking about what could have been.
As for why he hasn't called you... There are two possible reasons: He agrees with you and it was just a matter of time before he would have made the same decision as you. Or: He doesn't agree with you, but you have made it clear that you do not want to be with him, so why should he call and fight for you when it's a losing battle? Now, he's a guy and I'm a girl, but from the perspective of someone who was just broken up with, I would say the second possibility is just as likely as the first. I am not calling my ex because he made it very clear that he does not wish to continue our (long distance) relationship. I don't know what you said to him when you broke up with him. If you said "we should be friends", then you can't expect him to just switch from boyfriend to friend in an instant, if at all.
As for your other questions: You don't know if it is easy for him. You don't know what he's doing or who he's with. You simply don't know. I wonder the same things "Why hasn't he called?", "Why isn't he sorry for what he did and tries to get me back?", "How can he just forget about me and what we had?" and the worst one "Is he already with someone else?". These questions can drive you insane, I know. Some days I'm just grateful that I don't have the answers.
I don't know exactly how you left things, whether you agreed to try and be friends, whether one of you asked the other not to call anymore or give them some time. But if you know what you want (and this is an important "if"), then the ball is in your court. You broke it off. If you truly think that was a mistake, then you're the one who has to have the guts to call. But you need to figure that out first, you need to be sure. And it may be too late, or pointless because maybe he agreed with you in the first place. That's a risk.
It sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) you used breaking-up with him as a way of testing him or finding out if he still cares. If that's the case then it may have backfired. He may (or may not) still care, but he believes you don't. It's not possible to make someone else love you or be with you, they have to *want* to. You told him you didn't want to be with him anymore, and so he is choosing to walk away with his dignity halfway intact instead of begging you not to leave him. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care. Right now, *my* dignity is all I have and I'd rather die than call my ex and ask him to please give us another try. Why would I do that when I already know (or believe to know) what his answer would be?
When does it stop? Eventually. I don't know, I'm not there yet. It comes and goes. Good days and bad days.
Take this time to find out why it hurts. Do you miss *him* or do you miss who you wanted him to be, or who you think he used to be? Maybe when you find those answers, you'll find out what to do next.
Siren
I KNOW! I'M CRAZY! But this is just feels too bad to be right. But it is right...it's just not what I want. I want things to be great...to be what it was.
hello!! this is why its so hard-because youre upset over what was-a break up is a loss plain and simple-and like any loss, youre going to go through a grieving process-and everyone goes through a different grieving process-some people cry, some people dont, some people throw themselves into a new job or a new activity, some just do things the same way they used to, as routine is important to them...its all on the person. and yes its going to hurt-no matter who did the breaking up. what you did took a lot of courage...but its still going to hurt. give yourself some time and then email him or call him if you want-i was with my ex for almost 2 years and after we broke up-it took everything i had not to call him...not to talk to him...but i gave him some time and then when i did call him, we ended up talking for over an hour-but thats the last contact we had and that was-oh wow-over 7 years ago. things will start feeling better eventually-the pain is normal-youre grieving over what could have been, what it was in the past, and what you wished it could have been again...take care!
joanne
maman2goons@aol.com
I too am going through the same thing. I know you want answers but those aren't going to come right now so at least you can hear that others are in the same situation as you.
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and decided to immediately move out because that time lag might convince me to just stay since it's easier. I broke up b/c I felt like we just were keeping score and not trying to make eachother happy. He agreed. We had been together 4.5 years. So now I am out and for the first couple weeks I was fine with my decision, but last weekend it just hit me, hard. This week we were supposed to go to St. John and he went since it was with his friends and brother. I am moving out the rest of my things and am dreading it. I don't want to move everything out b/c part of me feels like.....I don't know. So he is gone and I can't talk to him for a week. I am really sad and the random crying has started and I am starting to feel regret.
He's a great guy but we had some issues (his evil brother) and just things adding up but I thought I was going to marry him.
I will just have to patient enough to take enough time to see what makes me happy because I obviously wasn't. I want him to be happy too. Who knows what the future will bring?
Same here. I am going to break up with my BF of 2 years because he told me he got tested positive for chlamydia last week and he has been out of town (for business trip, as usual) since then. He professed he hasn't been with anyone else lately. I just got my result today - positive for chlamydia. Surprise?! FYI, I have been through the last week of anxiety and emotional roller-coaster ... I just had my annual checkup this March 2006 and I was tested negative for everything and I know I have't been with anyone else. He did confess to me earlier this year that he had a one-night-stand a year (or more) ago (who knows what's the truth? He claimed he couldn't remember!) It took me great pain to forgive him ... I guess I made a mistake ... and now I am suffering from my futile compassion ...
All I wanted to tell you is that this transitional period is just temporary! Whatever initial reason(s) you had for the breakup is "right"! Trust your "female instinct" and be brave! I just learned that it is very potent and accurate! You only need to get over your emotional attachment (which is what I am trying to do now) and you will soon find yourself inundated with all the new potentials ... !
Good luck and have a wonderful Thanksgiving! You are making a good deicision for yourself here!
Take care!
Princesspeachie