I ended it... yet I feel sad & rejected!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
I ended it... yet I feel sad & rejected!
8
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:58am
I know things will get better in time but this is just soooooo hard. My bf & I were together 2 1/2 years & I moved out last month. He is a GREAT guy.... kind, caring, smart, funny, honest, loving... I could go on & on. So what is the problem???

I just never had "marriage" type feelings for him... I can't quite explain it other than it just never felt "right". He on the other hand has been ready to marry me since 6 months!!!

I was honest with him throughout our entire relationship... that I didn't feel the same way he did about me. I had a bad relationship/marriage & I guess we both always felt that maybe I had cold feet because of that.... & one day I would come around. Well I have been in and out of therapy & working through issues from my divorce (was 3 years ago) & I'm FINALLY at peace with it all.

But then I realized... it's not that I'm afraid of committment... I just don't think he was the one for me!!! I felt it was not fair to keep him in this relationship.... he deserves someone who is on the same level as him. I know I did the right thing but it hurts so much.

I want to kick myself in the butt... he is one of those rare nice guys that you just don't find all that often. WHY couldn't I love him the way he wanted me to??? WHY couldn't I get on his level & just work through this??? Is love really something that is either there... or it's not??? I mean I love him... but maybe it's always been more of a friend type love.......

The worst part... he was so hurt when I left. So I know he's just doing his best... & I can't blame him but within a month or so he went out for dinner w/this girl from work. Since then they've been seeing eachother more & more & I'm jealous!!!! I feel like he rejected ME and that is totally insane I know!!!

It just hurts no matter how you look at it. Some days I think of the pain I've caused him & it brings tears to my eyes. I see how happy he is & think he's just doing his best... putting on a "mask" & moving forward as best he can. Other days I think maybe he really IS happy... & he's sad but not going to have much trouble putting our relationship behind him. That really would be best for him after all.... I DO want him happy.

Ugggg.. why is this so hard????? Sometimes I tell myself I should have just stayed & figured a way to make it work!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 7:25am
So you broke with him because he was caring, loving, nice and wanted a serious relationship with you?. I don't understand, most of us broke up with someone for the opposite reasons.

What kind of relationship do you want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:08am
I think you broke up with him for a reason. You just weren't feeling it. That's okay. There are a ton of nice, caring, respectful guys out there but you wouldn't want to marry all of them. So, he was a nice guy...that doesn't mean you are obligated to be with him when you just don't want to. I think you were brave. Just think back to how you felt while you were actually in the relationship, not how you feel now. When you were actually WITH him, you felt more like friends? Like you didn't ever want to marry him? Then you did the right thing.

It's definitely going to hurt and sure you'll feel jealous when he finds someone new. Those are all perfectly natural reactions. Just keep your head up, keep reminding yourself why you did this in the first place, and look out for that person you really can devote yourself to for a lifetime.

Good luck!

Kass

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:30am
I understand that your decision was hard, but probably for the best. If you had reservations about marrying him, it was good to not ignore them. I remember breaking it off with a couple of really great guys because I just wasn't feeling it, it was me, and not them. I was so afraid that I was letting something get away but I've never regretted my decisions. Sometimes as much as you want to love them the way they deserve, you can't force it.

I am seeing someone who is crazy about me and I am just not sure. I am either holding back because I still think of my ex, or there just isn't a spark. I want to give it a chance because he has great qualities, but there is just something missing. I am more afraid to break his heart than anything but I don't know if I'll ever be crazy about him.

However, I'm sure that there is someone who can give you butterflies, and you'll know that you can't imagine ever being without that person... it's something worth waiting for!! I think you know you made the right decision, but if it haunts you still than really think about it before trying again, it could hurt him worse than ever. Good luck to you, try just wishing him the best, we all deserve that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:59pm
You did the right thing. I'm an example of marrying that kind, caring guy even though I didn't have strong "love" feelings for him. I thought of him as a good friend, but really nothing more than that. But I went ahead with marriage thinking I would just grow to love him and that once we were married, I'd feel different. I remember right after the ceremony walking out of the church I thought, "boy, I don't feel any different". Wierd thought process, but true. The marriage ended in divorce after 13 years and three kids later - I just couldn't kid myself anymore. I actually did my ex (and my kids) a disservice by marrying him. So you are right to go with your gut feelings. You can't kid yourself into loving someone even though he may be a great guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:55pm
iliana,

I know... that's what I'm thinking when I want to kick myself in the butt for leaving. BUT... what I'm talking about is "chemistry".... that which makes the difference between a friend & a boyfriend.... a husband & a roommate...... I'd like to think I'm not expecting too much?!?!?!?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:04pm
Kassie, Candlerose & Schnoodle.... thanks for the encouraging words. :-)

Schnoodle.. I am sorry to hear of your divorce. I guess that was my "million dollar question"... can you grow to love someone in that way? And I imagine some people can...

My counselor told me, just like what was said... just because a guy is really, really nice doesn't make him marriage material. Some people just aren't right for eachother. And.... she also said that if you don't just feel it... you are leaving yourself wide open for affairs later on down the road.

It's still difficult......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:21pm
I really emphathize with you -- I broke up with someone about two months ago and feel terribly sad even though I did the breaking up!

In terms of the issue of chemistry -- yes, you need it in a marriage! Now, it's one thing if you're not feeling "that way" about the person after two or three or four dates. Then I'd say, give it a chance. But after more than 2 years? It just wasn't there with him, and you did the courageous thing by breaking up with him. I know it's a cliche, but sometimes loving someone really does mean letting them go.

You're sad now, but give it time ... just remember how it feels to be with someone you don't have that kind of spark with! It feels like something essential is missing -- and that's why you ended it! I can understand your being jealous about the new person he's with -- I'd try, if possible, to avoid any contact or information about him. I really think, in the long run, you'll be so glad you made this very difficult decision. You really did the compassionate and honest thing, for yourself and for him!

hang in there,

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:42pm
Welcome to the board!! I know that it must be soooo hard to end a relationship with such a great guy…..and it must be even harder to see him with someone else. But you did do the right thing. It’s unfair to lead someone on once you realize it will never work. If you didn’t love him “in that way” in 2 ½ years, then you probably would have never loved him in that way. You could have stayed and tried to make it work but I don’t think you would have ever been truly happy. And yes, you’re still hurting now…..but it will pass; you’ll move on and eventually find your true happiness. Stay strong and think positive. Feel free to post on here whenever you like!!! Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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