I feel foolish!
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| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:14pm |
I feel foolish.
In a nutshell…
I’ve been dating this guy long distance for nearly 2 years. We work for the same company and get to see each other quite often. We’ve gone on numerous vacations together and always had a wonderful time. I’ve been to visit him and vice versa.
He’s 12 years older than me and has been through a terrible marriage/divorce. He’s still dealing with the past. I don’t have the same baggage as he does, bitterness, fear, etc.
I’ve broken up with him on several occasions, knowing that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, never forcing a “marriage” issue on him, but telling him that I wanted to be in a fulfilling relationship and that we couldn’t possibly have one long distance.
He asked me to move in with him to see if we could have a future together. And even though we’ve known each other for 2 years, I never felt comfortable with up and moving just to “see” if things work out.
Last time I went to see him was at Christmas. I felt that he was very uncomfortable with me there (which was later confirmed), so I left early. I was tired of back and forth thing... and as soon as I got home I notified him that we could not be together and broke things off. I was hurt that things didn’t work out, but at the same time, it was closure for me and an opportunity to move on with my life.
Then a month later I receive a call from him. He was begging and pleading to come back, telling me that he doesn’t want me just to move in with him, but to move as his wife. That went on for a week, I was very skeptical of his comments. How can someone be so fearful of that sort of commitment and change his mind so soon???
I called his sister and she assured me that he truthful, because she saw the pain he was going through, the pain of loosing me, me, the best thing in his life. So I believed him and I believed that he was ready to move on from his pain and anger caused by his ex-wife. I agreed to start looking for a ring. I even told my family.
However, 2 weeks after I agreed to come back, I started to feel hesitation on his part. No wedding date was set, no ring discussions took place, nothing….
He was here last week, I decided to confront him on the whole issue (which I’ve tried to do on couple of occasions already and each time he told me that he still wanted go through with it). This time he looked annoyed and finally told me that he hasn’t spent enough time with me to feel comfortable with his marriage decision. I was devastated! It was his choice to come after me and beg, plead and make promises. And now this!!!!! I started crying, he completely shot down. I kept on saying how unfair he was. That it was all his idea and that he mislead me. His only response to me was “Okay”, nothing else.
I dropped him off at the airport the following morning, he said nothing that night and nothing to the way to the airport. Nothing!
I have not had any contact with him since.
I am soooo angry and hurt. I just can’t believe how someone can be such a coward! He could have been a man about the whole situation! He could have told me about his hesitation the minute he felt it! Instead, he strung me along. Selfish! I also am angry at myself for believing him, even though my gut feeling was telling me otherwise. I feel foolish! Now I feel that I’ve been fed nothing but B.S.and I fell for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I move on from this?

wow, there are several things in your posting that made me want to respond. But first- hugs to you for all the confusion you've been thru!!!
I too dated someone for nearly 2 years LD and it's tough. But you seem very mature and realistic about your situation, so you have that going for you. It was good of you to trust your instincts when he was being wishy washy with wanting you/not wanting you.
I hate to always post this for others because it sounds like my default answer, but he sounds like a commitmentphobe... have you ever heard of the book "Men Who Can't Love"? You may want to check it out... I highly recommend it.
I know how you're feeling in regards to being hurt that he did not say much of anything in the end. (I too had a 'no response' when I broke things off with my ex.) I too told him he had 8 million chances to say goodbye, to tell me it was someone else, to just say we wanted different things. But sometimes they just don't do anything, and you have to find closure on your own. So if you feel he's being selfish (and he is), then start being selfish too.... take care of yourself and begin to move on. You're going to have to summon all your strength and start realizing no one should string you along this way. It's not fair to you and your feelings.
And venting here is a good way to start the process... it's tough, but we're here for you!
unpredictable_life...
Pianoguy doubts that there's a single person (male or female) who visits this board who hasn't done at least something stupid "in the relationship department" one time or another? So stop beating up on yourself!
I honestly think that getting over "past baggage" varies from person-to-person. As much or as often as we claim to be 'over' a former partner...sometimes the reality of that remark IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE!
What puzzles me about your situation is this? How can you continue to "break-up" and "return" to the same person so many times.....knowing that the same pattern will eventually repeat itself? This makes no sense at all.
As for "moving in with him"----FORGET IT! FWB would definitely be to his benefit and not necessarily YOURS! If the man honestly wants to "court you" with the intention of marriage, let him make an HONEST EFFORT! Otherwise...let the baby cry as much as he wants to....but don't fall into his trap!
Simply because...you'll enter any future marriage "as his mom" and not as HIS WIFE! Seriously...you might want to think this out---before you commit yourself to a lifetime of "adult motherhood!"
Pianoguy
I really appreciate your reply to my post! Every little bit helps.
I will go get that book.
I am not trying to find excuses for myself. You make a very valid point. I never asked for anything from him. Each time I left, I had no intentions of coming back. He was the one asking to give it one more try. This time, he was talking marriage. And I believed him. No more!
No more drama!
Thanks for your input, it really helps.
Good luck and hugs!
Thank You! You are absolutely right!
I can't control/change anyone's behavior, nor do I want to. So good riddance to bad rubbish.