I feel guilty not calling him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
I feel guilty not calling him back.
10
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:27pm

This is something I struggle with and I wonder if anyone else has this problem.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me in April. In September we saw each other for the first time since the breakup and got back together for a bit... but quickly decided to call it quits again.

Now that we're broken up I realize I'm in a pattern with him and I'm trying to break it.

I miss him, so I call him... and we talk and it's good. But then eventually something he does or says hurts me... or it just hurts because we're broken up and I end up sad and/or angry.

So eventually I wait awhile and then inevitably one of us calls each other again and it goes on and on.

So last week he called me and I've decided I'm just not calling back. I wonder if I should give an explanation or something... but that just feels like pulling myself back into it.

It's strange to me that I feel so guilty just cutting off contact with someone who basically broke up with ME.

Does anyone else suffer from this? Is it caused by some weird compulsion to always try and resolve things or always be a NICE person?

I'm surprised at myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:35pm
Me and my ex-boyfriend/bf are doing the same thing you are. We broke up in March, for good reasons and ever since have been off and on and one of us will get in contact and we will go back into the same routine, only I keep expecting things to be different. I just realized that it will NEVER be different and the only way to get out of it is to have NO CONTACT, even if he does call me or text me and I feel bad about not answering, but when I think about it, he doesn't really care anyway. If he did, he would try to actually make the relationship work more, I think he just does it because he knows that he can. And I do it because I know I can and it relieves my lonliness for a couple days, till we fight again. So I wouldn't feel guilty about not answering, maybe after you have given it some time you can let him know that you just needed space and to get over it, but I would wait a long time to do that, if it still bothers you. I know it's VERY hard though, but the cycle will just continue. The last time I saw my ex, I was trying to get a "good" break-up out of him, but just ended up with him again, not getting any answers I felt I deserved and needed. So...I think that no contact is the best idea!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:47am

I know EXACTLY how you both feel. My relationship was a bit different as it was LDR, but in a way I feel it is worse because I rarely get to speak to him anyway so I think that I should when I get the chance but then nothing comes of it aside from my being upset. ):

He has never once contacted me since I stopped but he does reply and is friendlyish when I talk to him. But at first when I just stopped all contact I felt INCREDIBLY guilty about it, in fact I constantly do, even though he broke my heart and has not once called/e-mailed to ask how I'm doing.

It is hard, and I know I constantly want to give in, but I also know it would probably make things worse, though every situation is different and every person deals with it differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:25pm

Thanks so much for your responses...

I think the thing I'm forcing myself to realize is that NONE of my phone calls are innocent. I'm not just "calling to see how he's doing" or "just staying in touch with a friend". If I'm honest with myself I'm calling because I want to get back together and I want him to be my boyfriend again... period. And if he changes his mind about us I'll know about it -- it's not going to be because I was so "friendly" or checking in all the time.

Anyway, it's helped me to be honest with myself about my intentions with him and deal with the REALITY of the situation (which is that I'm hurting and still in love with him) instead of some pseudo-friendship thing where I have to act all over him and okay with being friends when I'm truly not.

I guess I'm just realizing there's something liberating in admitting "I'm not over you. Maybe I won't be for a long time. I can't be your friend."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:40pm

I'm totally with you on that one. I miss talking to my ex, so I try and find some excuse to call him. In the end, he just sounds friendlish but he's really detached and indifferent, so I end up being hurt. It's become a cycle now. I keep telling myself we're just being friends, but the reality is that I'm still in love with him and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. I'm trying so hard, it'll be 2 months soon and he's doing really well but I'm not. And what hurts most is that, he's happy without me.

But the weird thing is, when we're alone, he acts like he's all into him. He tries to cuddle up and has even tried to kiss me on a couple of occassions. I always turn him down but it's leaving me confused. He knows I'm still in love with him, so is he just trying to have fun? He said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, he wants to keep his options open and just date and have fun (i.e be single and enjoy life) but at the same time he says we might get back together in the future. I'm so confused.

Everytime I try the nocontact thing, I fail. Any ideas on how ya'll do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:53pm

Rheasaran...

It really sounds to me like that guy is leading you on -- whether it ends up becoming anything in the future or not -- and that's hard. The whole idea of him 'keeping his options open' in general seems unfair.

One way I've been able to not call someone is by setting an arbitrary date and trying to stick to it. Like "I can't call him for 30 days" and I tell myself that at the end of 30 days I can re-evaluate and call if I want to. The problem is if that's not enough time and I want to call after the 30 days. There's no easy way.

Since my boyfriend called me last this time, I guess in a weird way I'm holding onto that for strength, although I know it means nothing. In my mind I think he's waiting for my call and I guess it makes me feel better... even though most likely he's not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 3:15am

I'm not so sure that just cutting it all off would be what's called for necessarily.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:12pm

There's actually a new update to this...

Looked at his myspace page and saw a new girl on there... whose photo is of her in his room. Wow was that upsetting. And so of course I called him. I'm not proud of it. It's funny how on top of feeling rejected and horrible you have to kind of feel embarassed about how you act as well. Pain and humiliation?

What a difficult road this is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:16pm

GOOD JOB.....well same thing like my situation with my ex....i stop calling him and recently he start calling me and wants to see me...but actually i refused to see him...so yesterday he called me again (block number). he was asking me a favor to help him to fill out some important document...so he ask me if i'm available to see him this saturday...so i paused for a while and he didnt wait for my answer...he said oky i'll be there...ofcourse i dont have no choice i'm just like you.. i felt bad if i do something that he might get offended...

but i'm kinda nervous to see him...but not excited..you know that feeling...i want to call him and make some excuse..but i dont know how..CONFUSING right??

i dont know whats wrong with this guys...for some reason if we stop calling them their the one start calling us again....i'm assuming maybe they realized that they are a big loser without us...what do you think???? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:02pm

Hey Ms. Fairy!

I think the important thing is to go through it in your mind and see if there will be any negatives for you in seeing him.

Are you expecting anything that you'll be disappointed by if it doesn't happen? If not, I'd say you don't have so much to lose. He wants to see you... you have the upper hand... maybe it will be healing to be with him with the tables turned. Hard to say.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:57pm

no i'm not expecting anything...esp about us getting back....well before yah i'm was like every one here...i dont know...its weird just resently i stop thinking about him and i told my friend that my feelings for him was gone....well its about time...its been almost 7mths since we broke up...i'm a type of person if i lost my feelings it wont be back any more...and he knows that....i told him before if i stop calling my ex it means my feeling is gone....so i'm assuming his trying to test me..we broke up cuz he thought that i was cheating on him....cuz my son mention this guy name...he find out from my son that guy was in my house and i never mention to him...so for some reason he start being cold to me(well he has a history of betrayal with his exwife)....

anyways before i'm just like evrybody here trying to save our relationship ...well i'm just a human....i got tired of it....so i stop calling him...and unfortunately he start calling me and making some excuses to see me...but i refused.

so tomorrow he need to do some important docs...he needs my help...actually when he ask me if i'm available..i was about to tell him...i have to do something(you know "excuse")..but he just decide for me...that he will be seeing me.

actually your totally right "NOTHING TO LOSE"....its better to see him and atleast i will totally know if my feelings for him is really gone..