I feel like I don't know him anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
I feel like I don't know him anymore
1
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 2:43pm

It's been 18 days now since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. And 16 days since we've seen each other and spoken last, when I picked up my things from his house. He's 33, I'm 27. In short, he's unsure of me and the future, of committing. Something in his gut is saying that this isn't right, and I guess I'm not it for him. It was hard for us both, we both cried. We had a very easy and enjoyable relationship -- it's been a big shock and adjustment to me, and to our friends and family, too.

I left communication up to him and we both agreed we needed some time to not be in touch. He said he'd want to call to check in in a week or 10 days. It's been 16 now and he has not called. I vowed not to do it, and I won't. I gave him communication as his to own.
But I feel hurt that he has not phoned. I feel like a final conversation could be good. That I could tell him how I feel and how these weeks have been and I can tell him that I can't see us as friends or staying in touch, but wanted a last goodbye and to tell him I have not stopped loving him, and if he realizes what he's given up and wants a chance to repair it, that he can contact me. But otherwise, it's too hard to have continuing contact. Who knows what that will accomplish -- friends say no contact is better, no need to have a last conversation. Just leave it all behind. But it is so hard to throw it all away when I do not want to.

I feel like I do not know him anymore, and that makes me so, so very sad. That I knew him inside and out, had him in my life every day, knew his plans, his thoughts, and his feelings. And from a man who is not terribly good with communicating and is not very emotive, this was big. I guarantee I know him better than anyone on this planet, and I can love him better than anyone ever could. But now I feel like I do not know who he is.

It's such a huge disconnect. It seems so surreal and it is incredibly unsettling. I imagine he is not in touch because he feels awkward about things and maybe cannot give me any more answers or insight into why he left. I think he is just burying all of this and not dealing with it. Brushing it aside, not thinking of me, not thinking of our memories and plans and times together. And I feel brushed aside. Incredibly disposable. How can he not reach out to me when he knows how devastated I am?

I know from mutual friends that he is doing okay, and has asked about me. I know that I cross his mind every so often. But he's in my head 24/7. I cry every day, I feel empty. And I am so, so sad that I do not know him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 5:36pm

Erin...

Pianoguy thinks you should seek out an alternative form of entertainment...and FORGET ABOUT THE PHONE CALL FROM THE EX!

I realize you feel badly about the split. But unless your EX has the mindset to "kiss and make up" when he feels like it....HE WON'T!

You're trying to justify his reasons FOR NOT CALLING....which is a MISTAKE! Moreover, it's not a good thing for your mind, body and soul!

Move in a different direction...and expect nothing!

Pianoguy