I feel like I ruined it

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
I feel like I ruined it
9
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:06am

Breakups are never easy. Mine certainly was not -- I am only 3.5 weeks into it.

Even though I broke up with him, in someways I felt forced into it. Everything was fine with us until the topic of marriage came up. He couldn't give a straight answer about what his intentions for the future were and in turn, that made me very uneasy. Although I never said so to him, I think it was obvious that I felt like if he didn't know after dating for two years (and we are older) then he was never going to know and it was just going to go on and on. In addition, he was divorced and had children and had already 'gone down that road'.

Yet, even though I did it and even though I knew I had to, I still have the nagging feeling that it's my fault. What did I do wrong? I'm not a clingy person by nature and I certainly let him have more than enough time on his own. At the end of the day, my needs were/are just important but I keep going back to is it the way I brought it up? How could I have done things differently.

And so I sit and ponder these things, early in the morning, over and over and beat myself up over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:45am

You didn't ruin anything. Two years together is more than enought time to decide if you want to get married when you are older. Don't beat yourself up over this, you know what you wanted, you made it clear and he couldn't step up to the plate.

I know this is painful for you but what would be more painful is if you stuck around any longer. At this point stop wasting time and beating yourself up over how you brought the subject up. Focus on you and your future. If it is meant to be he will move mountains to win you back.

You did the right thing and best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:48pm
Please don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. Two years is enough time when you're older and being with a man who is afraid of commitment is a really tough postion to be in. Marriage isn't something that is negotiable, so if you were to stay with him you would have had to stay knowing that you may never be married. That's too much to sacrifice. The real kicker is that because they can not give you what you need, you have to end the relationship and it's common to feel guilty. But you are not guilty, you just got to the point where you realized he will never give you what you need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:25pm

One person's opinion:

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>>>There's no "fault" here to be assigned to anyone. You and this guy weren't on the same page. We have relationships to find out if we are on the same page.

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>>>Nothing.

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>>>Two years is plenty of time to see what is going to happen in a relationhip. Especially one in which the guy had children from another marriage. Yes, he was going to have an extra degree of reluctance to commit to you. You were smart to have kept that in mind.

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>>>Yes, they were/are, as they should be. (And forget the "but")

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>>>No.

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>>>You could have failed to raise the questions you did. Then you'd be facing the same situation after three or four years.

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>>>And that is a recipe for going nuts. You can't keep looking over your shoulder. You did the right thing. Some of the fallout is going to be painful. But it's done now which allows you to pursue another, much more likely to be productive, relationship.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:33pm
I was placed in the same position as you. Forced to break up with the guy because he couldn't commit.I also did the "looking back" and "it must have been my fault"... but that is a DANGEROUS ROAD.. I'm telling you from experience and living it right now.
Once I started on that path I got incredibly stuck for a few MONTHS. I felt bad about everything and every little detail that had no relevance to the important fact- He couldn't give me what I needed and staying in the relationship longer would have caused more hurt in the future. Please TRY not to blame yourself. I think girls have a tendency to do this...To this day, months later, I still have times when I look back and think "Maybe if I did this then...." but it doesn't help. Try to keep your mind distracted by trying new hobbies and meeting new people. That helped me alot in keeping him out of my mind all the time.
Of course it's hard and it's going to take a lot longer than a month to move on so take things one day at a time....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 7:09pm

Wow -- thanks for all the responses. I guess my confusion comes from if I brought up the marriage thing in the wrong way. If I was too pushy about it. Many talk of how bringing it up in the wrong format can kill your relationship.

Then again, if its something both people want, no one should have to be convinced or coddled when it's such a big decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:20pm

I understand you feeling this way. I brought it up every day for over a year. I was pushy, I handled it the wrong way, but it didn't matter. I apologized to my ex after I moved out and he told me that while the pressure was intense, it didn't matter, it wasn't ME, it was HIM. Like your ex, my ex was not ready and NOTHING was going to change that. If he wanted to marry you, nothing would stop him, certainly talking about marriage would not stop him. Trust me, you did not do anything to jeopardize your chances of marrying him. There's certainly no pressure now and he's not knocking on your door. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm in the same position you are, I'm just saying if he wanted to be married to you, you'd be engaged regardless of the pressure.

He wasn't ready for marriage and that's the bottom line--while I'm sure you regret the pressure it would not have changed anything.

I've had friends who have been in your situation (and mine) and their men have come back and proposed after some time has passed. Those men had to walk through the fire, so to speak, and realize what life without their SO was like before becoming ready for marriage. I've had other friends who have walked out and moved on to find men who were ready. You will be okay, just don't blame yourself, nothing would have made him ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:33pm

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>>>Yes! I am so glad to see that you can see what the dynamics have really been in your relationship and how it ended. Good for you...

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:08pm

I truly appreciate everyone's input here. There are so many ranges of emotions that you go through...almost like you are dry cleaned. Nothing makes you happy, pain might subside but is always there, and eating, well that's not always easy to do.

I guess what is most disappointing is to be let down in such a terrible way. To think that something is really going in the right direction, only for it to not, is like relationship whiplash. And the depression is palpable.

I've done absolutely no contact but it is NOT easy. I'm sure it's making it easier than it would be....but still...my heart goes out to all of you that are going through this now. One of the worst mental pains you can go through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:21pm
I know the feeling. I broke up and I know that it was for the best even though we love each other. I was wrong. I can't even bear to talk to him. I have a crapload of emails form him that I can't even answer. Some days I feel that I suck.