I feel myself starting to lose it

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
I feel myself starting to lose it
8
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 1:41am

I'm just another girl going through a hard break up. I need advice. Im 17 years old and this is my first major breakup. The pain is unbearable and im not sure what to do with myself anymore. I had been with this guy for almost 2 years, and we have been friends for even more. He was the center of my world for two years. The only person that had ever truly understood me and my crazy mind. we had everything in common. And throught the course of our relationship there have been so many inside jokes, burned cd's, song and movies dedicated to eachother, and everyday items i cant even look at anymore without bursting into tears. every time i hear the song "dream a little dream" and "The way i am" theres this horrible crushing feeling in my chest. He was such a wonderful person and i fell head first into what we had. I opened myself up to him completely and told him things about myself i had never told anyone before. everything was going great last may 5th (cinco de mayo) we celebrated our two year "togetherness" and we were both super happy. then about two weeks ago, out of the blue...he started acting different. we used to talk for hours and hours over the phone about anything. there was never and akward moment and we never held back from speaking our mind. Then suddenly he stopped talking. Now that it's over im starting to see the problems in the relationship. I would always be the one to take the initiative and call or text him. he never really made much effort, although he promised so much and i knew it was hard for him to express himself because he comes from a very reserved family. i started getting upset because i felt i was the only one putting anything into the relationship. he just found it so hard to find the time to call...which hurt more than anything because he would always make the time before. He told me that hes been feeling different for a long time, he feels pressured and that theres things he needs to do before he can commit to someone. I feel lied to, i feel weak, and i feel betrayed. he said he still loves me and that he'll always love me, that im the only one for him. He just cant keep the promises he made to me, for us to be together. He emailed me a week later to check in. And i started to get my hopes up. i tried talking to him about it, but it didnt go good. he kept saying it was all his fault and that he couldnt be there for me like i could be there for him. but he just cant do it anymore. I told him that it was too hard for me to keep hearing from him and i didnt want to talk to him anymore. im not ready for that yet. he seems hurt by that because it was so easy for him to just be friends again. I want to be independent and learn who i am without him. but it's so hard because every aspect of my life reminds me of him and hes taught me so much about myself that it feels like hes the only person who will ever be able to make that deep an imprint on my heart. Im worried that im never going to forget him and ill be miserable for along time. I donno...im just so sad and confused....

any tips?? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 9:15am

I'm so sorry forwhat you're going through. I can really feel your pain through your post. I remember feeling the same way after my first serious breakup. he is not doing you any favors by telling you that you're the only one for him, and stuff like that, because your relationship is over and you cannot wait for one another to change. You will find other people and have other experiences. Just the fact that you were able to feel this amount of love for someone means that you can feel it again for another person.

The problem with relationships when you're 17 or so is the fact that these relationships do not last. They can't. They're teenage relationships, and you will change drastically for the next decade and a half of your life. A relationship can't go through that amount of change and still be compatible. In five or ten years you will both be different people, you will have different jokes and a broader range of experiences. You will not be compatible with one another. It's EXTREMELY rare that two people go from high school sweethearts to an old married couple (and still be happpy)... Throughout your life and especially from your teenage years into your adult years, the needs and wants that you have for a relationship change so drastically.

I have been reading and responding on these boards for years. It is easy to spot the teenage relationships from the adult relationships by what the poster is writing about in terms of NEEDS - The women from 15-21 or so need the feeling of being someone else's world, and having a man be their entire world in return. Your age group longs to feel needed and to have similar interests and personalities.

Eventually when you evolve into an adult, your needs become more refined and specific. Your shared interests and inside jokes don't matter as much. You find yourself needing someone who has a compatible outlook on life, who complements your personality and makes you feel like a better person, not someone who consumes your world, but someone who makes you feel comfortable with your own independence.

Sorry if I've gone on so long. I guess I am at an age where I remember being 17 very, very well, and it's impossible to impart upon you the amount of knowledge I have gained on life and love since then. A lot will change, that's all I can say to you. I do want you to know that it gets better. Your world feels like it has ended but it has not, I know it's hard to see this as a new beginning but it really is. You have so much to look forward to in your life and if you are planning on college next year then I am absolutely positive that you will find a wonderful guy in that amazing stage of your life. Please find as much comfort as you can in your friends and family and if you ever need to vent here, we will be here to listen. Just because you are going through a breakup doesn't mean you are alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 12:23pm

*Hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2011
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 5:05pm

Honey - I do know how you feel - everyone here has given you tips that are absolutely TRUE.

How long will this pain last (and taking the advise of no contact) - as long as you let it - don't put your guard up when meeting new guys - ok - there will be someone else - it just doesn't feel like it now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 12:10am

I want to thank you all so much for your support. It helps to know that your not the only person whos ever given their all and then had their heart shreded up. I can feel myself starting to get better, focus my attention on things i love, and not things that we loved together. Im starting to laugh and smile again, and although hes constantly in the back of my mind, im able to go through my day without wallowing in my stupid self pity. The funny thing: I hear hes taking it harder than i am. Some of his friends have called me recently and told me that hes been acting rude and bitter towards everyone....i know it sounds bitchy...but part of me wants to say "thats what you get" but then the other part feels bad and realizes that it's probably just as hard for him as it is for me....probably even harder because he was the one who had to break it off. hmmm....i guess its true what they say? time does heal. thank you again. :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 8:45am

I think it's totally normal to want him to hurt. The worst feeling in the world isn't when someone hates you - It's when someone is just apathetic to you. I am so glad you are feeling better. Just take things day by day, it sounds like you have a good support group of friends!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2011
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 4:31pm

Good for you! You've got a pretty good head on your shoulders for your age - keep it up!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 08-08-2011 - 2:01pm

I know you don't want to hear that you're still a child, and this is a minor bump in the road for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 5:29am

i can feel your pain because i also passed through that and everytime i remember it , its make me cry