i feel punched in the stomach - what now

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
i feel punched in the stomach - what now
5
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:23pm

Hi guys. Never thought I'd be posting about this. I was involved with a really good, solid guy for a year (actually just had an anniversary). He was honest, ambitious, caring, generous. We fit together well because we had a lot in common and were both laidback and liked the same things. We'd met each other's parents, friends, and had taken trips together. (btw neither of us talked marriage unless we were talking about our friends, so there wasn't pressure there). I thought everything was ok...

Then the breakup last week. Out of nowhere. He said he felt panicked, didn't know what was going on. Said it had nothing to do with me, he was just going thru a lot (recently started a new job), felt a lot of pressure and wanted to make sure he was "doing the right things". I sat there stunned as he told me our relationship was over. He said he didn't want to leave me hanging.

I am really in a state. It's only been a week, but this has never, ever happened to me. I can always see the signs; no relationship is perfect. But we had a year under our belts & were going strong. There were no sudden silences, no harsh words beforehand...NO signs. So I'm just in a state of shock. Any advice, support or interpretation of his behavior would be really helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:28pm
My ex did the same thing the first time we broke up (there were 3 times before we ended it for good). He freaked out. He had just taken a new position at work and between that pressure, the pressure of his divorce and 3 kids and the pressure of me, I was the easiest thing he could just throw away. Out of the blue one day he says "I can't do this anymore". I was stunned. Turns out my ex is just a commitment phobe. Have you talked to your ex at all since the breakup?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:53pm

Thanks so much for your quick response, broken. I definitely appreciate your feedback.

It's only been a week, and he just happened to go out of town right after this. I've been struggling not to call, but I did (guiltily) send him a text hoping he got back safely. What's blowing my mind is knowing how much he preaches about integrity and a man's word and how crucial honesty is to him...he said he'd been feeling overwhelmed for a while (say, Nov) and yet it wasn't until around the New Year that things came to a head.

And when I say 'came to a head', I just mean the abrupt break-up. He just shut me down and told me it was done.

If he wants to be single or date casually, I can live with that. But it's the suddenness of it that's killing me. This has not been his personality at ALL. I'm in my mid-30s and have dated all sorts of guys. I thought we had something really good, so I'm just devastated. I also know he's been in a # of monogamous relationships in the past, so it's not like this is new to him...any dudes on the board who can shed some light?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:08pm
Did he respond back to your txt message? I say give him his space and try to make no contact with him what-so-ever. We are females and will over analyze every last word and action and moment we shared with the ex. He may just need some time to figure things out. I know it is hard to be blind sided and it hurts terribly. There are so many unanswered questions. I begged my ex to take me back the first time around. I was a wreck. I regret that now. I really don't have any answers for you except to say that everyone on this board is here for you. Use it as your strength. Many hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:20pm
He did reply and now I'm just trying to let it be. It's very hard but I have a good support system. I just have those moments where I don't know what the hell happened overnight. Ok, let me log off before I start tearing up. Thx so much for responding. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:47am

Hey! I have a CLONE. My situation was EXACTLY the same... two weeks ago as of 3pm monday.

I too feel punched in the stomach, although let me tell you that you will start to feel better before you think you will. My suggestion is to start writing... write here... write in a journal... start a private blog... write your feelings. Call your friends.

My recent ex also "has issues to deal with" and "things to do" and he didn't want to leave me hanging either... OMG... the EXACT same thing.

I'm sorry... my heart goes out to you and I hope that you can find solace in knowing that you are NOT alone. Lean on those who care... and trust me... no contact is best. Otherwise you will keep ripping the scabs off as they start to heal, making the wound even more fresh each and every time.

Hang in there...