I feel shafted

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
I feel shafted
7
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 6:34pm
My fiance and I broke up very recently. Initially, he said he wanted us to take some time apart, but then I found out that one day into our "time apart" he was having sex with another girl - by the way, sex with other people was NOT part of the agreement. So, I broke it off. Through a mutual (very trustworthy) friend, I found out today that he realized once I broke up with him that he didn't really ever want to be with me. My question is: how could he have not known this until we broke up? I guess my feelings are that I (like everyone else) wants to feel wanted and I thought I had that with him. I guess I just want to feel that I mattered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:30pm

JS,

I wish that I could answer your question. All I can tell you is that I sympathize with you, my fiance and I broke up a week ago because he "does not know what he wants from his life." I am shocked, taken aback, and feel like just crawling into bed and crying.

The bottom line is that it's not about you. Presumably, this man asked you to marry him. He is an adult, if he did not want to be with you, then he didn't have to ask you. So to say that he didn't ever want to be with you is a cop out and a lie. If he didn't want to be with you, then he wouldn't have.

Second, please ask your friends not to repeat these things to you. It's not helpful and you could have lived your whole life and never have known that he said that.

Third, be glad that you didn't marry this cheater. If he cheated now, then he would have cheated after marriage and it would have hurt the same then, if not worse, especially if there were children in the mix. I know that the third point does not make you feel better. I *hate* it when people tell me that a broken engagement is better than a divorce. They both hurt. But a broken engagement is better than a divorce.

There is a man, actually several men, in the world who will love you for who you are. And not only will they love you, but they will have the maturity and integrity to honor a commitment to you as well.

Hang in there. I know it's tough. Not a day goes by when I don't cry, but things will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 12:41am

Mariposa,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I also feel for you. It kills me to know that some other bastard has done this to another good girl like me. But, on the bright side, we were just too good for them, that's it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:39am
I am going through the same thing right now. About 2 months ago my boyfriend of 2 years told me that he was confused and did not know what he wanted anymore. So I moved out. Well, a couple of days later he told me that he wanted to be with me and wanted me to come back but I was going to wait until he got back from vacation with his mom. Well, in the meantime he found out he was going to Iraq, being deployed. See, his mother hated me with a passion so after he found out that he was leaving I started getting pushed away. Needless to say there was another GIRL. He is 30 and she is 18 and he has a daughter I had been raising for 2 years. He kept saying that I couldnt come to "our" house because his mom was staying with him and he did not want any confrontations during this time. Well, I believed him and respected that. The entire time he was calling me and text messaging me telling me that he loved me and we were going to build a new relationship when he came home. He told me that he could not live without me but he only came and seen me 3 times in a 2 week period. I was blinded I guess. The day after he left while I was at work another employee came up to me and told me that he seen him and "the other girl" on the 4th of July holding hands at his local town fireworks, he is a cop. Well, I called him the next day and he denied everything and I told him I was done. His cousin and I are very close friends and she set us up. She called him to talk to him and he was telling her that he wanted to start things over with me and that he loved me with all of his heart. Maybe a half hour later I called him to find out if he was with this girl and he said that yes they were a couple and she would be writing him in Iraq. I am so heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I cant eat, sleep, or even concentrate on anything. I just cant believe that he left me for an 18 year old after everything I have done for him and his daughter. How can I get over this and how are you dealing with things. I feel as if I was being led on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 6:02pm
First of all, never ever ever forget that he is the one who is screwed up in the head and the only thing you are guilty of is loving another person, which is never a crime. Sounds like your ex-guy and my ex-guy have a lot in common, unfortunately. Every day things are getting easier for me. I guess my real breakthrough was when it hit me like a brick wall a couple of days ago that, "Duh! He didn't love me they way I thought he did." Not to sound flippant, but that has put everything in perspective for me. The reason I'm hurting so much and he (apparently) isn't is because his love for me wasn't ever really that deep. At first, that was a very hard thing for me to accept; I just tried to find other reasons why everything had gone so horribly wrong (ex: he's having a breakdown of some sort and will soon come to his senses). But the bottom line is: if he'd loved me the way I loved him, this whole catastrophe would never have happened. So even though it still stings to think of him with another girl, every day I'm feeling more and more sorry for her and more and more fortunate that I got rid of him when I did. I mean, if this is the way he treats his fiancee, then who in their right mind would be signing up to be his next girlfriend? I pity them both, to be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 12:59am
HI it's Beth. I am more confused now then ever. After 4 days of not calling me I looked up and standing before me at my job was him. I burst into tears and hugged and kissed him. I guess I should have controlled myself a little better. He told me that the relationship with the new girl "was not going like he thought it would." He told me that he still loved me and asked me if I could ever trust him again, I said I dont know could I and he shook his head yeah! He then went on to tell me that "she" kept telling him he was acting cold and distant and he was hoping she would break things off. He kissed me and told me that he loved me and he would call me that night. Well he fell asleep and called around midnight. I asked him if he was going to break things off with her and he said "I dont know." He told me that we would talk about it tomorrow (today) and he would call me. Well, he did around noon but I was at work and he did not leave a message. I havent heard from him since. I am so so so so so confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 10:13am
I understand how you feel. I know it's hard but you have to just remind yourself that it's his loss. This guy doesn't sound very worthy of someone who obviously cared about him and wouldn't hurt him the way he saw fit to hurt you. His lack of respect for your relationship reflects badly on him, not you. I hope you feel better soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 3:17pm

Try to stay strong sweetheart. The fact of the matter is that this new relationship of his isn't working out exactly as he had planned and now he wants to come back to you like nothing ever happened. However, you need to recognize that no matter what he says or does, the fact remains that when given the opportunity, he treated you like garbage. You deserve better! He's made his bed, now he's going to have to lie in it. He's an adult and made choices to turn his life upside down. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life, but at least in my case, I tried to talk with my ex about things (I had so many questions!) and all it did was keep stirring up those negative emotions. It was almost like a drug to talk with him, as if there was still some window of hope for that old relationship. However, there never was any hope for that old relationship and all I was doing was torturing myself. It's been six days since I've talked to him and every day I grow stronger and am feeling more at peace. Hang in there! We're pulling for you!

Jennifer