I feel sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
I feel sick
6
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 6:17am

Hey Guys


I have had the worst year of my life. I was meant to get married earlier this year but because of family and relationship problems my Fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: heartbroken85
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 1:33pm

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, I would say to give it time and when things settled down your head will be clearer, marriage is a big decision, you would want to start with the right circumstances and timing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: heartbroken85
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 2:57pm

Alright then, let's get you not hating yourself, ok?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: heartbroken85
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 5:14pm
Hun,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: heartbroken85
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:22pm

Hi...


I was reading your reply to the first post and you said to have faith.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: heartbroken85
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 5:29pm

I think when we find ourselves in valleys of despair, we have to remind ourselves we really are not alone. And we also have to remind ourselves, sometimes forcefully, that for every person out there who thinks they have it bad, there is someone out there who has it worse. Not saying your worries aren't real, what I'm saying is that there is nothing that cannot be made better. That's not to preach, that's to do some shaking up.

I think you need to remind yourself of the humanity of people, and that your world includes more people than you. That's not saying you're self-centered, but when we're in despair, we tend to forget that other people also have feelings and worries, so I'd suggest that you start volunteering. Volunteer at a shelter for women and children who've escaped abusive homes. No, I'm not kidding. If you want, you can also volunteer at the Humane Society, Habitat for Humanity, a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. You'd be surprised at how giving of yourself actually replenishes the joy you thought you were missing. The Dalai Lama says that sharing compassion is the best and quickest way to happiness.

When I say things like that to people on this board, I know they must be shaking their heads thinking I've missed their point because this board is about breakups and heartbreak and "him". No, I haven't. They've missed their own point ;) The thing about sadness and despair, heartbreak, is that in order to bring ourselves up and out of it, we really cannot sit and keep doing the same things over and over that actually brought us into it and are keeping us there. We also need to truly see for ourselves that whatever our situations are, there IS a way out. Comparing our situations side-by-side with folks who truly have it bad, puts things into perspective and helps you see that the problems are surmountable.

And when you do that, you thank God or whomever your Higher Power is, that there but for Grace, you are. It could so easily be you. So start to number out to yourself the things in your life that you are grateful for. Write a list, add to it each day.

....."I feel so sad and lost and have no idea what will become of my life now. I do yoga once a week and work out alot..but I am just going thru the motions. I have to force myself to do anything and nothing feels fun. How do you find faith in life again? Any ideas? I'll try anything to feel better. :("..... Read my response to heartbroken, and the exact same thing applies to you, too, or anyone who finds themselves in the muck of it all. If you're doing yoga/workouts once a week, kick it up to three until you feel better, then you can find your best schedule. Do it at home with a DVD if you can't afford the classes. You'll have to keep forcing yourself to do anything and practice focusing on even the tiniest good thing about it, being wherever you are; it's hard at first, gets easier with practice. When you're somewhere, I don't care if you're dancing in a club, working out, or washing the dishes, FOCUS on what it is you're doing and where you are. Fight back thoughts of elsewhere. If you keep thinking that there must be something else you should or could be doing better than wherever you are now, either go DO that thing and focus there while you're there, or start learning to enjoy and focus on where it is you are. Life is a combination.

I think people say, "We only go around once," and don't really think about what it is they're saying. We really DO only go around this one time in this one body in this one plane of existence. So why not pay attention to the moments?

You said you don't have faith in life anymore, but I don't buy it. Do you or do you not get up every single day? THAT is an act of faith. You brush your teeth and comb your hair, put on makeup? Do you or do you not go to work? Again, an act of faith. Working out? Faith. Do you have friends, even just one primary one? Faith. Paying attention to and having these are all acts of faith. How? Because tomorrow it could all be over and yet here you are, living your life. That's faith, so recognize it as such. What's missing is the fact you're not enhancing these moments, not paying attention to them. When you get up, give thanks that you can get yourself up out of bed without help, that you have a bed of your own to sleep in. When you brush your hair, be thankful you don't have to wear a wig due to chemotherapy. When you go to work, do a good job, smile at and thank the secretary or stockperson, the food services person at lunch. When you work out, choose something in each workout to focus on, whether it's your breathing, your form, your reps. Call a friend you haven't talked to in a while and ask them their favorite childhood memory, pay attention, don't chime in with your own story, just listen to theirs. You have this one moment, pay attention to it.

There are SO many ways to enjoy every moment you've been given in life, and make no mistake, it is truly a beautiful gift. Practice what I've suggested, and I think soon enough you'll be able to find other ways to enhance each moment. And the joyfulness will come. That's not to say you'll never be sad again, that's part of the human experience, but you'll be able to pull yourself up and out of it better and quicker. If you have a minister, priest, rabbi, personal counselor or the like, ask to speak with them about joyfulness. Living a full life does not require living it with someone else in the picture although of course that's possible, it actually means more of what I've described above. When you make the effort to enjoy your life in its smallest moments, the rest somehow seems to work itself out. Go ask, see what they say.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
In reply to: heartbroken85
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 11:30pm

Hi, I'm also going through a rough break up. Not as bad as yours because I wasn't engaged yet but I did saw myself marrying my ex. I know that this is hard specially after you both love each other so much. But you have to see that if he doesn't want to go back with you there's no chance of the relationship working. It takes two to tango! About you sleeping with your friend, you shouldn't feel bad is not like you're with your ex. Is true that you're close but not close enough for him to blame you for cheating. You did not do anything horrible so stop beating yourself up, besides you don't know if he hasn't done the same thing. You obviously shared something special and beautiful but the truth is that you two been close is not helping you at all. I think that you need sometime apart, you need to meet new people, take a trip. Do everything in your power to get him off your mind and your life for a couple of months. You'll see that after, your mind will be a lot clearer and you'll see things different. I'm not saying that you're going to stop loving him but you will be able to decide if the relationship has another chance. I know that the advice everybody gives you might seem impossible to do, but it isn't just lift your head up and try. Live day by day like if it was the last and stop feeling horrible for something that's is not even worth the time. I hope I was able to help. Best wishes and prayers.