I feel sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
I feel sick
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 4:40pm

Sorry in advance is this is long.

I just broke up with BF of 3 years . . . and I got blindsided. I didn't see it coming. We had a discussion about 5 months ago about where we were going and at the time we just put it on hold because of work/family/house issues. In retrospect I supose there were signs about his inability/unwillingness to commit, but we seemed to be working through that slowly. I thought things were going well in the past few months but I guess I was wrong. I had no warning (literally he came over, helped me do some things around the house, watched tv for a bit and then said "we need to talk"). Within an hour he was gone with all of his things (I told him to take them).

I was with him through the lowest point of his life (his words not mine) where he went through a major depression and gained almost 50 lbs and did nothing but work and sit on the couch. He told me at the time that I was the best thing in his life and the only reason he hadn't completely lost it. Now he's feeling better and getting out and about again, and I guess doesn't need me anymore. I feel a bit used to be honest.

His logic is that after three years and at our ages (I'm 31 he's 37) he should know for certain that he wants to marry me, and the thought causes him anxiety.  He says he still loves me and will always be there for me and eventually wants to be a part of my life (whenever I am ready), but personally I think he's just trying to make himself feel better. I never asked him to marry me. I have things to do before marriage, I just wanted to know that is where we were headed.

 I know the first question everyone will have is "is he cheating". I asked him and he said no and I believe him. One of the things I admire most about him is his honesty and when he gives his word he follows through. I guess I should be happy that this happened now rather than a year or two or three from now, but it still hurts.

How long will it take to feel "normal" again. I can't believe at 31 (almost 32) I'm starting over again. Sigh.

Bex -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 6:09pm

He may not be cheating, but I'm betting he has his eye on someone else.

He realizes you're a good person, therefore he feels bad about hurting you, but he wants this other person bad enough to end things with you.

I do realize I am speculating, but usually when a breakup comes "out of nowhere" it's because someone has met someone else.

Take some time to feel bad (because it's ok to feel bad), then get yourself outside and meet up with friends for some fun.  I mean, holding your stomach laughing fun, because you could use it.  Once some time has gone by you'll be ready to get back out there.  In the meantime, be nice to yourself. 

Also, remember NO contact...don't text him "just to say hi", don't look at his Facebook, no emails or calls.  Any contact will make the pain last longer.  No matter how tempted you may be, do NOT text him!  And have a friend with you if you've had a few drinks because for some reason we all think it's a good idea to contact an ex when we're tipsy.  And if he happens to text you, ask him to stop because you need to think about yourself right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 9:16pm

Yes it's always devastating to be broken up with esp. in a long term relationship.  I do think he did you a favor in a way--he's right, after 3 yrs, if he doesn't see your relationship leading to marriage, and if you eventually want to be married, then why hang on.  Maybe he found someone new, but maybe he just realized this wasn't what he wanted.  It is better to do it now rather than later.  I also don't think he should be part of your life unless it's a very long time from now--you need time without him to get over him.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 2:16pm

Thank you both for your kind words. It really is helpful, especially as I am learning to move on from this.

I am lucky in that I have amazing friends who have been there for me since day 1 (actually since hour 1 really). They have ensured that I am not alone and are calling constantly.

 I know that this is for the best. He has major commitment/procrastination issues and in the long run, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I think the hardest part is breaking my "habits". Today I had a difficult day because somthing happened at work and I actually picked up my phone to text him out of habit before I realized I don' t have that option anymore. It was a completely unconscious habit because I don't actually WANT to talk to him right now. I know there is nothing that I can say or hear that will make this better, so I have no intention of even trying.

I know there are going to be hard times ahead (like when I come home and find he has left my things on my doorstep . . . I told him to do so as I don't want to see him and he knows my schedule and can stop by when I am not home).

Any advice for keeping it together when you can't fall apart (i.e. like work). I am having such a hard time concentrating but I can't take time off :(

Bex -

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 2:33pm

The purpose of dating (usually) is to find someone to be with for the long term. Your realtionship has run its course and has served its purpose. You two have discovered you are right for each other in the long term. So now both of you may move on to hopefully find that long term partner. There is no right and wrong here. It is commendable that he sat you down and broke up with you honestly. So many relationships do not end that way, there is cheating involved, etc. You found out after 3 years it didn't work. Couples break up all along the time continuum. Sometimes decades later, so there is no time marker you can pass and feel safe.For that matter many married people break up too so in a sense, their marriages were just another form of dating.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: mahopac
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 3:39pm

Aw Bex, I have no words of wisdom on this subject.  Normally I wouldn't even post on this board, but we know each other from another board, so I just wanted to say, gentle hugs to you. 

As much time as you can spend on things you enjoy, do it.  Take time to be outside, go do something he didn't like to do, etc.  It just takes time.  You are a very strong woman, and you will get through it.