I feel so stupid, why did I blew it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
I feel so stupid, why did I blew it?
5
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:28pm

Hi I'm new here but I really need help.

My boyfriend of two years dumped me by phone yesterday, and I feel like my whole world is falling to pieces.

Here's what happened:
Last thursday we had a huge fight, the worst part, over something really stupid, It was entirely my fault.
He is really close to a co-worker that happens to be my cousin, I hate it, I don't understand why does he care so much about her.
During the argument, that started over a decision he had made at work relating her, I asked if he had some sort of realtionship with her (deep down I know he doesn't, he's not the cheating type, but I said it anywhay). Maybe I said it out of anger in the middle of the whole thing but he refused to answear my question. This made me really mad and I turned into a real bitch, and said some really nasty things, and I know I hurt him.
After the fight he said he loved me and didn't wanted to fight anymore (obviously not affecionate and loving, but at least kind and nice), I was also tired and we dropped it.
To make things worst his birthday was on saturday, and what I saw as an opportunity to make up, turned out worst. I didn't saw him on friday, since I was trying to get things together for a surprise trip to the beach with some friends; plus I was working on a huge birthday card that kept me up all night.

We had already agreed that on saturday it would be just us, celebrating, but when I called him early morning he said he wasn't going to make it. He had already made arrangements to visit a client out of town and could.
I was furious, all the effort for nothing...I said he was ungrateful and he said that he will call me when he got off.
He didn't untill around 7 pm, already too late for what I had planned, we agreed to cath a movie and dinner, and so we did. He again was nice and all but not loving like always. When we got to my house my sister and brother were there, and sice they're good friends with him, they brought a cake.
Before he blew the candles off he thanked me for all the details (including the huge card) and the wonderful time we had.
We seemed OK, not great, but OK.
We didn't saw each other on sunday, and yesterday morning when we did saw each other really quicly again it seemed fine, as if something was still bothering a bit, but making an effort to kiss me and said he loved me.

I called him around 6pm to ask how his day was, and was surprised by the tone in his voice, he acted really cold and distant...I asked what was happening and he basically dumped me.
He said that our relationship had to many ups and downs and was too complicated, that we had no future, since he loved me, but didn't liked me.
I was shocked, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I begged him to please give me another chance, give us another chance to make things work. He said no.
I started crying loke crazy, I was totally heartbroken, after much talk he said that maybe we should take about a month separated to see what happened, at first a I agreed, but then I notice that what he was trying to to do, was to distance himself from me slowly and eventually break up anyway, so I said no.

After much begging, and pleading, he said that even when if it were up to him we wouldn't remain together he would give us that chance.
I felt relieved in a way and scared in another, I felt that he really didn't wanted me with him anymore.

Today I saw him, and he didn't made any move towards me, I felt bad, but pulled myself together and kissed him, acted as nice, and loving as possible just. I thought that as in other times when he's mad, that would help out, but he wouldn't respond.
Eventually and slowly he seemed ease up, but said again that if it were up to him we wouldn't be together.

I don't know what to do.
Should I give him the time he asked for? Maybe we'll come out of it stronger.
Should I just let go? Just the thought makes me feel like I'm drowning.
Should I keep up with this and hope that eventually things will get bakc on track? He's the man I love, and he still says he loves me, so why not?

Please help me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:14pm

I think the best thing you could do, both for yourself and for this or any other relationship you are in, would be to go to counseling to find out why you behave the way you do. If I were in his shoes, that would be the biggest single thing you could do to show me that you were serious about changing that aspect of yourself.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:16pm

Ouch.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:01am

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
All the advice you have been getting I'm sure is very constructive I just wanted to say stay strong and make sure you look after yourself. I know you must be in a bad place right now but don't forget about you and what makes you happy and try to do those things. And also I would say ask yourself why did you act in that way about those things? I feel like I did that too in my relationship, reacted badly, closed off quickly, but there were deeper reasons for me reacting in that way that stemmed from him. I don't know your situation fully this was just my experience.

Thinking of you and stay strong, I feel your pain, I've done it. THe crying like crazy, the begging, the making of agreements ('let's have a break'). Hope things work out the way you want them to but if not you will get through it because I think we are all stronger than we think we are. Good luck.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:15am

Hi again everyone!

Thank you so much for responding, I really need support right now.
I understand that it was my fault, not that he was perfect (he also had a lot of commitment issues), so I'm doing my very best to figure out what to do.

Do you seriously think therapy would help?
Just for me or for both as a couple? (We did agree to give it another shot)

Thanks,

Daphne.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 11:56am

Yes, I think it would help--I'm not sure why you think anyone would suggest it if they didn't think so???

I would start with individual counseling since at least based on what you posted, it sounds like the issues are with your behavior and reactions to things. Perhaps adding couples counseling at a later date would be appropriate but I would definitely start with individual.

Sheri