I feel so violated! Am I overreacting?
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| Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:20am |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years - since we were 17. For a while I have been unhappy with our relationship - I felt that he didn't respect me or care about my feelings as much as he should. Whenever I brought this up he would either deny or, or promise to change - I always wanted to believe him but he never changed.
So we split up - I moved back in with my parents. But he pleaded and promised, and we agreed to give it another go - start afresh. Then one day he told me that he'd been addicted to internet porn for a while whilst we were together - I was completely shocked, as whenever I'd mentioned porn before he'd convincingly denied liking it. I'm not completely against porn - I wouldn't mind him looking at it as long as I knew about it, and we have watched it together a few times. But when I quizzed him about this he admitted that whilst he was pretending to be working he would secretly be looking at porn: this really hurt me, because whenever I asked him to spend time with me he would yell at me and say he was too busy, and now I find out that he just wanted to get rid of me so he could look at porn in peace. It's the sneakiness and lying that really upset me about him looking at porn - and although he said that he was addicted I think that may have just been an excuse, in the same way that he claimed to be addicted to spending when he was getting me into debt. Anyway, we had a big talk about honestly and openness, and he promised to be honest and open with me in the future. And I wanted to believe him.
Then I went to visit him for a week (since we split up we have been having a long-distance relationship). We had a good time together and were planning our future together. But when I asked to look at his phone he got all freaked out and wouldn't let me. I was playfully trying to get it off him and he shoved me away hard a couple of times, and even threatened to throw the phone out of the window before he'd let me see it - yet he denied that there was anything he wanted to hide on it.
Eventually I got it off him, and discovered what he was trying to hide - pictures of me naked or in my underwear that he'd taken secretly whilst I was getting dressed, washing or sleeping. I felt so sick! How could someone I've been with for 5 years treat me like that? I feel completely objectified and violated. I asked him if there were any video clips of me on the phone - he said that there weren't. I looked in the video folder - there were several clips of me naked that he's secretly taken! He said that he couldn't remember taking any - I looked at the dates, and a few of them had been taken THAT VERY DAY, so he obviously must have remembered doing it.
I broke up with him immediately - I know now that I can never trust him again. I am worried that he has more pictures/ videos of me - maybe he secretly filmed us having sex! Maybe he's put clips on the internet!
But part of me worries that I am overreacting to this . . . It could be construed as just a bit of fun. But he KNEW how would feel about it, and he knew what would happen if I found out . . . He has asked me before if he could take naked pictures of me, and I said that I really didn't feel comfortable with that. So why did he do it??? I feel like I never really knew him at all.
Thanks for letting me share this; I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my friends or family in real life.
He's been texting/ e-mailing me since I broke up with him, saying how heartbroken he is and asking for another chance etc - how dare he?? That WAS his final chance! He should have been really trying to make things work!

Well,
Taking pictures- naked ones even are normal(for lack of a better word), especially one thats long distance...what I dont believe to be normal is taking them without your knowledge. If it made you feel awkward, which it obviously id, then you have every right to express your anger...He needs to know that what he did crossed some major boundaries- even for a couple thats in a commited relationship.
How would he feel if it was someone else that took those pics without you knowing? Hed be furious. So, whats the difference? he did it without your knowledge, so he is no better than the perv down the street.
Best wishes,
Any time your feelings, emotions, or body are used in a way that you do not allow or are not comfortable with, it's a violation.
goodness....what a jerkkk???
sue him...let him pay for what he did to you.
Rayemond,
You are so NOT overreacting. That is a horrible, unethical and mean thing to do.
Chances are he did or is doing something with the pictures that he took of you. Like you are suspecting, he might have uploaded some of them to websites etc. That would be one explanation for his bizarre behavior. I don't know if you could get records from his phone service but if there is a way you could, you might be able to tell. In lieu of that, I'd suggest doing a complete search of every site you can find where users can upload pictures and making sure you're not on them.
What an awful guy. Sorry to hear you had to go through that. Online porn addiction is bad enough, but this is just sick.
Hugs.
Edited 11/16/2006 2:56 pm ET by devuchka