I feel soooooooo guilty...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
I feel soooooooo guilty...........
3
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 6:29pm

He called last night and we talked for about an hour. It seems like every time we talk we just have to rehash everything. He has done some things that were definitely deal breakers, but the bottom line is I didn't love him deeply enough to make it last forever. And it's kind of like the chicken and the egg--if I had loved him more and he had felt more secure in the relationship, maybe he wouldn't have done the things he did???? I know he is dysfunctional and does not know how to have a healthy relationship and that is why I could not give my heart to him totally--but I still feel so GUILTY for hurting him and for letting the relationship go on much too long. I felt better last night after I talked to him because I realized how warped his opinions and attitudes are. And I called my best friend and talked to her about it and she confirmed that he is messed up. But I have felt so bad all day.

My God, this is so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 12:10pm

Don't feel too bad. In a way 'rehashing' can just validate that being out of the relationship is the best place for us.

You feel guilty because he's projecting his hurt on you everytime the two of you talk. He's heaping it on, because he wants you to feel bad. It's not about him understanding what happened, nor does he want insights as to why it happened, he wants you to feel bad.

You had valid reasons for not giving your heart. Hang in there.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 3:10pm

I know, but sometimes it is so hard to accept that I couldn't find a way to make it work. I think about the good times and I start questioning if the bad things were really bad enough to end things. Common sense tells me that if I gave it another chance things would probably be great for a while, but eventually old problems and doubts would come back and I would be in the same situation again. I went through this in my last marriage so I know how it works.

He's left the door open for me. I'm to call him if I ever change my mind. It's hard to walk away from someone who cares for you knowing you may never find another who will. I have to keep rehashing his faults in my head to keep it straight. Sometimes I feel pretty good, but most of the time I feel like crap and am on the verge of tears. Everyone I have talked to has told me I did the right thing, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 3:15pm

Everything is a process - grieving as well as forgiving ourselves. Would you be 'settling' if you went back? Would the issues just go away? Feeling regret and guilt make you human, but also try to focus on changing the G in guilt for a G for Gratitude.

My best to you.


Carrie