I feel like a total jerk

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Registered: 03-08-2007
I feel like a total jerk
11
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 7:44pm

So, here I am thinking I am ready to move on after only three months.

I go on two dates with this really nice girl and we have a terrific time.

Then, during the third date, I start feeling like I am comparing everything the date does with my ex. By the end of the date, I feel like I miss my ex too much and I can't see myself going forward with the new girl if I keep thinking of my ex.

We were at her house, and I really didn't know what to do, and so I told her I am sorry but I thought I was ready to date but it feels like I am not.
She tells me to get out so I leave. It all happened in like 30 seconds or so.
Next thing I know, i am driving home and feeling like a total jerk for saying that to her and leaving.
I know she was really excited about being with me and I hurt her big time.

She emailed me this morning and asked what happened. I emailed her that I was sorry but I don't think I am ready to date anyone even though I thought I was. I also said in the email that even though I had a great time with her, I am not ready so I don't want her to get more into me if I am not ready to get more into her. I said it wasn't fair to her.

Now I feel like a total jerk and hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt.
Today all I keep thinking about is why did I do this and why did I think I was ready?
It makes me feel like I am not a nice person. My ex said to me once, that I have to force myself to be nice to people.

Rob

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:59pm

Oh boy...
Well I'm actually currently in the same situation as your ex. My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me after 4 awesome months together saying he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now because he's so confused about things, and that he still is in love with his ex. Unlike you, they broke up about a year ago, so he's had plenty of time to get over her. I won't bore you with my sob story so I want to give you my point of view as a woman in your girl's shoes.

Firstly, it would've been a good idea to let her know what she was getting herself into. Like tell her that you're fresh out of a relationship and want to try things out, but not to get too upset if things don't work out. God I wish mine would've done that. It's really sweet that you seem to care about her feelings, but she seems to be overreacting after only the third date. You guys weren't in a solidified relationship yet, so honestly don't feel like a jerk. You were honest and didn't want to hurt her, that shows that you can be nice to people and not force it. You had good intentions to start dating again and good intentions with her, so no worries. You thought you were ready, and it shows that, obviously, you're not. It's a REALLY good thing that you realized this now instead of doing what my ex did; be in a relationship long term and THEN breakup. You're trying to move on, and thats great! You're making an effort. What I would do is take some time for yourself. Go on a vacation. Take up a hobby. Talk about this with friends you trust.

One thing I would advise you to do is next time you start dating a woman, tell her your situation before you start getting serious and then break her heart. Good luck! :)

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:36am

I agree with jules up to a point on the telling someone about just coming out of another relationship, I don't know, it just kind of puts a damper on the whole thing to begin with, and three dates does NOT equal serious anyway. So telling this woman by the third date was MORE than appropriate. Your date is the one with the problem, not you.

Your date pretty much overreacted to your news. Saying "get out"? What a drama queen. Three dates, that's it. it's not enough to throw someone out of your house for, geez lady. She's disappointed, sure, insulted, maybe, but if she's heartbroken at this juncture, I'd say she has issues anyway.

But then there's you and your actions. Here's where I'm going to take you back to your own training and insight recently. Your landmark training is all based in the Law of Attraction, so didn't you in fact bring this about because you were consciously focusing on your ex? You're saying now that if you're thinking so much about your ex, that this date must not have been right, that you must not be ready to date yet, when in fact, *you* thought about your ex, and then *kept thinking about her* so you did this to yourself. If you'd taken a breath to bring yourself BACK into the present moment, back into the actual date you were on, back into the company of this new woman, you wouldn't have been comparing her to your ex and (wait for it) *erroneously* feeling that if you're thinking so much about your ex, that this must not be right. As if you had no control over what you thought.

Go grab your landmark notebook out again and read over the part where they must have talked about self-fulfilling prophecies and how we are the ones who create them by giving them thought and then give them birth by continuing that thought whether it's good or bad. Read that again, whether it's good or bad. Your belief that you're not ready to date stems from the same place any belief does: recurring thought. That's it. But since you control what you think, you can change your thoughts and therefore, your beliefs. You can equally tell yourself you are ready to simply date, and then give life to that thought by *acting* it out. Thoughts, feelings, actions. All three must be present and firing.

Finally, dating is just dating. Seriously. For you and anyone else who reads this, dating is simply getting to know another person in a social setting. NO ONE says it has to lead to anything, not relationship, not romance, not the One, none of it. If people give it more weight and credence in the first stages, the first few dates, that's their own problem. So get over this, readjust your thinking, and get out there again.

The only thing you have to tell a potential date is that you're looking for friendship that in the future may lead to more down the road. That's it. If they're an emotionally mature, well-adjusted person, that's all they're going to need, if they're not, you don't want to date them anyway. Don't go spilling your guts about past relationships, not quite ready for relationship, etc., in the first few dates. Not sexy, not nice.

And one last thing, I promise: "Moving on" doesn't mean you're necessarily ready to create a new relationship. Moving on means you're willing to get on with your life, and that includes opening up to the idea of the possibility that there *could be* someone else for you in your life. With that definition, are you moving on or not? I'd say you are.

Best, 

~Sandra
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men




Edited 5/27/2007 9:39 am ET by cl-i_b_sandradee

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Registered: 02-13-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:20am
Hello,all the replies are very right on, but i am like your ex also dating someone for a month after he just got out of a long term relationship, to have my heart totally broken after an awesome month! he had made plans for the next 6 months for us etc. so normally i wouldn't have gotten so attached I'm not like that at all, but it seemed so perfect, but it was too soon & he was still confused & his ex was always hovering around, they didn't get back together, but it was just too much too soon, which sucks, because it was awesome, & it still hurts, as we don't talk at all now. i think he is still of unsure of his feelings in general not just about me, he does need to take some time out, but I just really think anyone in that situation really doesn't know what their feelings for the new person are, because they really havn't given them a fair chance till they are really over the ex. Moving on too soon just hurts alot of people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:24am

Sandra,

What are refering to by landmark training, laws of attraction? Is it some book? I'm interested.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:33pm

I think you were just being honest. By a third date you've given someone enough time to figure out how you feel about them. It's not a lifelong commitment. While I can understand how she could be sorta insulted. I mean, she didn't make you forget about your ex, it's not as if you had formed much of a relationship.

I would rather have someone be honest with me. If I really liked the guy I would just say that maybe we should step back a bit and just be friends for a while. Hang out in a non romantic way. If I didn't really like the guy then I'd just say whatever, thanks for dinner, see ya.

I believe in honesty. Since my breakup which has lots of issues, I've been heading to the local watering hole when I get lonely. I don't go to meet men but just to talk to people, male or female, for company. There is a guy there who I know is interested. I know he wants a long term relationship. The other night I felt it was only fair to explain to him that I wasn't ready to date. He accepts that and asked if it was ok to just hang out and talk like we've been doing. He is a very nice guy and if I didn't have all these unresolved issues I'm sure we would enjoy going out. I told him that so we just continue to visit when we are both around and keep it at that level.

You tested the waters and found you weren't ready. That's ok. Don't feel like a jerk. Just keep it at the hanging out level for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:49pm
Personally I feel what you did is commendable and not many have the wherewithall to do it. Rather than beating yourself up give yourself a pat for your honesty. If your date is hurt that pain arises from somewhere else. Three dates is not long enough to assess someone thoroughly enough to determine if you want to spend the time and energy moving toward a primary companionship. The most that should happen is a slight sting regarding poor timing. Timing in what we don't necessarily have control of. So you discovered you are not ready. Keep up your recovery and try again the next time. It is that simple. Our minds make it hard. Be true to yourself, have empathy for others and live within the bounds of the law. That is the makeup of a great citizen. Nice is the result of this preferred behavior. Doesn't take phony conscious effort if your begin with the right motive. Now go be "nice." Let the rest work out just the way it is suppose to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:21am

Law of Attraction is a term, at least for my understanding of it, that collectively describes methods of spirituality and science which state that the present condition of our lives, is the end result of what we've somehow drawn to ourselves, through our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, most times a combination of them. At its heart is the belief that since all is contained within the Universe, that at some level, everyone and everything originated from the same source and is therefore connected with and must somehow affect each other, no matter how small the interaction is, which in turn, must affect us. Some people don't believe in it, even though it's as universal as well, the Universe. It just "is."

You can find parts of this in many resources, from ancient texts, to the Bible, to the Koran, to Zen and Buddhist teachings, to unstructured spirituality, to modern-day physics and psychology.

The following are simply my own personal observations. Choosing simply the more instantly recognizable elements, and the ones I can pop somewhat off the top of my head to the best of my recollection:

In Christianity and (parts of this) in Judaism, "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find," also, "Whatsoever man soweth, so shall he also reap," "God made man in His image."

In Islam and Hermeticism, "As above, so below. As within so without." "God is all, all is God."

In Taoism, "Because the Great Integrity created the universe, and the universe created the earth, and the earth created us, we are all incredibly great." (I did have to look that one up)

In Kabbalah, everything came from one source of energy, the source is God and the flow of energy is called Light which is made up of pure Love, therefore Light = Love. The soul was the Vessel that God filled with Light (Love). Since we all have souls we must all be Light, therefore, we must all be Love and the best way to experience our Love is to share it with other souls.

In psychology, positive thoughts bring about positive actions, negative thoughts bring about negative actions.

In logic, "For every cause there is an effect, for every effect there is a cause."

In classical physics, "For every action, an equal and opposite reaction." All things are made up of molecules, all molecules made up of atoms, all atoms are made up of particles (protons, neutrons, electrons) which connect to each other with a certain affinity or "attraction."

In particle or quantum physics, the Uncertainty Principle was debated in Copenhagen as this: One camp said that because we can know where an particle's been, we can pretty well predict where it will go and what it will be. The other camp says that simply because we know where the particle's been, doesn't mean we can assume where it will go, the future is uncertain until it's actually observed and even then the observation is biased by the person doing the observing. The extrapolation of that is that all things and all people are made up of particles, so this applies to them as well.

Ok, my brain hurts ;)

robp mentioned in his earlier post about his Landmark training, so I looked it up, and in reading the syllabi, course descriptions, etc, the teachings and training seem to be rooted generally in the same philosophy as what I've described above, but then again, this stuff is pretty universal as you can see, what some people would call common sense anyway, but the trick is that at the same time that this is all generally "well-known," people forget it applies ALL the time, not just sometimes, in ALL things and ALL situations, not just some.

Just here lately it's kind of exploded all over the media due to several books, movies, etc., like 'What the Bleep Do We Know and 'The Secret,' in movies, in books it's "The Power of Intention," "Creating Magical Relationships," "The Power of Positive Thinking," "Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, " it goes on and on. Most people have forgotten or don't even realize the Bible and other religous texts have a large number of references to all of this.

I've spent the last year reading a mountain of books, attending seminars, and I noticed they all had this common, general theme of everything is connected, and everything happens for a reason. What we as mere mortals ;) don't always realize is that *we* are the reason our lives are the way they are, we've shaped it through our actions and reactions, choices, thoughts, and beliefs.

In the context of breakups vs. romantic relationships, I'm not sure I can fully decribe in words the joy and hope that I consistently feel now, or how easy it was to finally let go of the pain, the grief, the sadness, the sorrow, the anger once this all clicked for me. What I know is that this past year has been one of transformation, and that I've moved forward simply by reaching back into the most basic nature of who and what I am, think, and believe. My life and my relationships have vastly improved because of my awareness and decision to live consciously on a daily basis.

Of course, as with anything, take what you can and discard the rest. I hope that answers some of your questions, maybe it'll spark others.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 6:46am


Thank you so much for all your information! I appreciate it greatly. One more question if you don't mind, when you say how you live consciously now & how it has helped you. can you just elaborate a little on that?

Thanks so much Sandra!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:49am

Thanks for your input. As a matter of fact, I did tell her straight out right away that I have only been out of a relationship three months. She had reservations about that but I seemed pretty sure that I was ready and I guess she somehow, felt I would be.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:54am


Sandra, thanks for reminding me about what I got out of Landmark. No kidding! The past is the past...

I did have an awesome time over the long weekend though and didn't dwell on it hardly at all.

Thanks again.

Rob

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