I feel worthless

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
I feel worthless
9
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 1:29pm
Okay....I've posted on here once before and recieved awesome feedback. I hope you can help me again. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who was my first boyfriend. I'm 24 but I was extremely overweight up until I met him and he helped me lose. Anyway, we broke up about a year and a half ago. Since then, we have continued to sleep together and fight off and on whenever he brought home a new girl. He's a very intelligent guy and makes me feel very stupid. He doesn't call me stupid but he says that my emotional problems keep him from being able to communicate with me. I am very sensitive when it comes to him but that is because I admire him so much. So anyway, a few months ago we got into a huge fight and he said that he couldn't deal with me anymore. I was crushed, he said that I make him miserable and he can't communicate with me. That the sex and the time we spend together means nothing. I had a discussion with him one night and the next day he lightened up a lot. We slept together and we started hanging out again. I made sure never to initiate our time together. He always asked and we ended up spending every day together again. We got along beautifully and only argued once over a household matter. The other day we were getting ready to go to the gym and he said "I've realized it's easier to learn spanish by learning whole sentences and not how to form the sentences." I started to agree with him by saying "Yeah because instead of learning to conjugate all the verbs...." He cut me off by saying "I don't need you to tell me why I think it's easier" So I fell silent and decided just to finish changing and go back to watching Youtube before we left. He apologized when I came back to the living room and I said it's cool lets watch the video. Then right before we were leaving he went to go get socks and came back and said "It's wierd that the cat's look away when you look at them." Without thinking too in depth I said, "They take it as a sign of agression." He sighed and rolled his eyes and told me that it was a bad habit of mine to inform him of such base level knowledge. "I really didn't want to go into a whole discussion because I was still a little peeved about him cutting me off before and I didn't want a lecture or lesson on what I had said wrong. So I said I wouldn't inform him about things like that anymore and he said "Well, let me explain why." I said alright and he proceeded to explain that I should have already known that he knew such 6th grade trivia. I should have been thinking on a deeper level. He already knew that cats took it as a sign of agression, he meant that since our cats should know by now that we would never be aggressive towards them there must be some other reason behind them looking away. I just looked at him trying to process the fact that he is upset with me because I didn't initially understand that he wanted a deeper response about the cat's behavior. I said "I must just be too stupid." I was being too sensitive but he had just been very rude a moment earlier. He stormed out of the house a moment later saying he didn't need this @#$% anymore. I ran after him and stopped him saying that it wasn't a big deal lets go back inside. When we got there I said I wasn't trying to piss him off I was being sarcastic because I felt he was rude. He went off about how he needs a deeper level of understanding from a friend then what I can give him. That we could maintain a friendship but the sex was going to end and that he was moving away. I was confused on how we had taken such a jump in conversation. I said "what, what are you talking about, are you moving soon? Are we going to cease having sex immediately?" He said if I wanted to drive fine but he wasn't going to talk about it. I said fine. When we got to the gym I didn't feel like going in, especially since my eyes were still puffy from crying during our earlier conversation. He was upset that I wasn't going in. I sat there for about twenty minutes waiting to look normal and then went in. After the gym I tried to find out what was going on. He wouldn't speak. I tried to defend myself about the earlier altercation and he wouldn't discuss it. I dropped him off and went to go get food. When I returned I asked if we could eventually discuss what's going on. He said no, the answer is no to everything. No sex, no hanging out, no going to the gym. We could be cool around the house and that's it. My question is was I in the wrong? Should I have known what he meant about the cat comment. WOULD ANY OF YOU HAVE RESPONDED ON A DEEPER LEVEL? Did I not have the right to ask him what was going on. Would you even bother trying to maintain any sort of friendship with this man? I feel so stupid and guilty. It's like we can only remain cool for a little over a month and then he can't take me anymore. Am I that obnoxious? I feEl unattractive, and worthless. No one is ever going to see me as a worthwhile person to spend time with, I'm just a comma-a pause before the real thing-a time filler. He is going to move relatively soon for a new job and even if he doesn't I'll just be the roommate. After all this time we spent together I'm just an expendable person. He would rather not have me around at all. How can he not care?
"More and more it seems like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 1:46pm

If you stay in this toxic situation, you will continue to feel worthless. PLEASE, please...move out NOW. And if you're not already in therapy, find a good counselor and start going.

You can't start rebuilding your self-esteem until you remove the poison and make no mistake, he is poison for you.

It's so not about the cat comment or really, anything else you've posted. You are not seeing the forest for the trees here.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 2:30pm
Hello, I want you to re-read your post again and tell me whats wrong with this picture? You got in an argument about agression in cats and he stormed out of the house. I hate that you have to walk on eggshells around him. He should accept what you say when you say it even if it is just trivial. It seems to me that he is highly insecure with his own intelligence that whenever someone interjects a comment that might be "trivial"... he feels like that person thinks he is stupid. It was a simple comment. I mean really... who knew he was an expert on cat aggression or Spanish word conjugation. Que tonto! (How stupid) Kind of funny if you think about it... HOnestly though... How can you maintain a friendship with someone that you are still sleeping with and living with? Doesn't sound like much of a friendship arrangement to me. I think you need to start by moving on from him and maybe the move out would be the best thing. You shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells or run after him or try to explain yourself in any way. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! Repeat that to yourself a couple of times. It's him, not you. And by allowing him to treat you this way and act this way and use you like he is...you are digging yourself into a hole. Your self confidence is taking a downward spiral. Yes, be thankful that he helped you improve your health and body image, but be angry that he is totally destroying your emotional health. You ARE a worthwhile person and someone is going to want to spend their whole life with you. Let him move. Get away from that toxic relationship... it is just keeping you from building up to meeting that person. If he doesn't move, then you move. It just strikes me that someone with his "intelligence" would treat you like that. I am absolutely appalled. Tell him to go to a MENSA meeting if he wants a deeper understanding on cat agression. Start distancing yourself from him and tell him that you think its best if you lived apart. Begin your move-on process, because the arrangement you have now will not allow you to do that. Build your self confidence up. You are not a time-filler. You are a smart, beautiful woman who deserves the best. Screw him for treating you that way. Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? I would go INSANE! No wonder you are feeling the way you do. Believe me though. It's going to be hard and you are going to cry and its going to hurt. Your heart will hurt for awhile, but it does get better. And you will start to gain that self-confidence back up. You will realize that you deserve THE BEST.... not someone who is mediocre like that jerk. So let him go. Gain some strength and get out there. Its hard letting go of the first love. We all do it though, only a select few actualy end up with their first loves. Just remember... there is still the true love and you just havent found him yet. If you need to talk anymore, feel free to email me. You have a lot of work to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 3:50pm
It is time to get out of this relationship. You are far too important to take all this emotional abuse. With the help of your therapist you have to move on.
Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 3:51pm

Welcome to the board civiljenna,


It's time for you to move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 3:56pm
What kind of deeper conversation can you possibly have about cats and their aggression? You are saying that you feel stupid and worthless around him and that is because he feels stupid around you and by cutting you off and giving you a "lecture" about how to explain "trival" matters makes him feel better about himself. It also strokes his ego because everytime he gets emotional and storms out you go running after him trying to patch things up. He does that on purpose. He wants to feel wanted because he is extremely insecure. He might not come off that way and you might think the world of him and others might think the world of him but he does not feel that way about himself. He craves your attention just the same as you crave his, the difference is he is only using your attention to make him feel good about himself and he is selfishly not ever thinking of you or your feelings and he puts you down to make himself feel good. Living together is tough. I don't know your situation but I would agree with the other posters and say get out soon! If you can't do it immediately, do a little experiment - next time he tells you its funny that leaves grow in the spring and you say something about photosenthesis and he tells you that your stupid and he knows stuff like that and then proceeds to storm out because you are not deep enough - don't run after him. Let him walk......and walk and walk and walk. Lock the door. When he asks what's up say you thought the answer was "no" to everything. No sex, no roomies, no friendship, no relationship, you are just abiding by his wishes and are just "not deep enough to discuss it anymore".
The thing is I and all of us on the board can tell you what to do but the when is up to you. You aren't going to do anything until you are ready. You will know when you've had enough. Gather this information, make a plan, and when the mood strikes you will stand up for yourself because despite what this rotten person says or does to you you are worth it. You do matter and you are not hopeless. You are strong and can make it on your own. Be grateful for how he helped you but thats all he gets. He doesn't get the beautiful, intellegent, strong finished product. His loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 8:46pm
The thing is that at first I could see where he was coming from. I was an emotional wreck and would do anything to get his attention. So of course he wouldn't have respect for me. I was his best friend while we were dating but it deteriorated after he dumped me. He went from seeing me as a friend to seeing me as someone he hurt that he had to help, to someone who bothered him constantly with her broken heart. So when he eventually got so sick of my whiny ways I could understand and didn't hold it against him. But he called off our friendship and the sex about three times and always starting hanging out with me and sleeping with me again. Why is this? If I was so unbearabe (which I really was) why didn't he just keep up with seperation. So this time around I took a different approach, I never initiated the time we spent or the sex. I never whined or complained to him, the only disagreement we has was over the furniture arrangement in the living room which only lasted an hour or so. Still, this situation only lasted for two months and already he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me or hang out outside the house. I didn't do anything. Here's my theory....I'm his roommate and he wants a good relationship but I've worn his patience so thin he just couldn't deal with me even if I was better. This is really what I think and so now I don't know how to live with what a pathetic person I've become. This was my best friend. He valued me and I destroyed it. I hate myself.
"More and more it seems like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:25pm

oh hon can you see what this is doing to you? you're putting all worth about yourself in his hands. if he treats you good you feel good about yourself. if he treats you bad you think you're the worst person in the world. you are not pathetic and you're not horrible to be around. he has complete emotional control over you and he's playing you like a puppet. you need to walk away. don't let someone else show you who you are and are not. get out of the house for good. start doing things for yourself and not just for him. it seems that all your energy is going in what to do to make him like you and want to be with you. what about focusing that energy in trying to make yourself like you more? get out there. discover what you want to do and what you like to do and who you are outside this relationship. you have so much in you. you just have to look a little deeper. cut him out. focus on the people who love you for who you are. if you want to feel better about yourself that can only start with you. no one can teach you how to love yourself. you have to do it. rediscover yourself away from him.

good luck. we're all here for you.
hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:06am
Thank you, that helps. I feel so lost.
"More and more it seems like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:50am
I know you feel like all of this is/was your fault. I feel that way about my breakup, if I did this, that or the other thing different none of this would have happened. Its just not true and its not worth dwelling in the past. You can't see it now, you are too wrapped up in the situation to see what is really going on. Maybe you were an emotional wreak, maybe you were clingy and it turned him off, but you said you backed off and he came back to you and initiated the hanging out and the sex. When he pulls it away for no reason you think it was something you did....you didn't do anything! And when there is no clear cut reason as to why he's pulling away you, and just about everyone who's gone through a break up, internalize the problem. We make excuses for why he's acting the way he's acting and the blame usually lies within ourselves because we only know what we are feeling. You don't know what he is feeling so the sooner you stop trying to figure him out the better you will be.
You love him. You can't change that. But, you can't change him either and he is not one of the good ones. And anyone who makes you feel that you are worthless is someone you have to cut out of your life. You said he helped you to feel good about yourself when he helped you loose weight, like I said before, be grateful for that but now he is not doing that anymore, he's making you feel bad about yourself when you should be celebrating your accomplishments.
I know its hard and it will take time but take your first steps. You will go through some dark times, we all are, but it won't be forever.