I feel worthless
Find a Conversation
I feel worthless
| Mon, 04-30-2007 - 1:29pm |
Okay....I've posted on here once before and recieved awesome feedback. I hope you can help me again. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who was my first boyfriend. I'm 24 but I was extremely overweight up until I met him and he helped me lose. Anyway, we broke up about a year and a half ago. Since then, we have continued to sleep together and fight off and on whenever he brought home a new girl. He's a very intelligent guy and makes me feel very stupid. He doesn't call me stupid but he says that my emotional problems keep him from being able to communicate with me. I am very sensitive when it comes to him but that is because I admire him so much. So anyway, a few months ago we got into a huge fight and he said that he couldn't deal with me anymore. I was crushed, he said that I make him miserable and he can't communicate with me. That the sex and the time we spend together means nothing. I had a discussion with him one night and the next day he lightened up a lot. We slept together and we started hanging out again. I made sure never to initiate our time together. He always asked and we ended up spending every day together again. We got along beautifully and only argued once over a household matter. The other day we were getting ready to go to the gym and he said "I've realized it's easier to learn spanish by learning whole sentences and not how to form the sentences." I started to agree with him by saying "Yeah because instead of learning to conjugate all the verbs...." He cut me off by saying "I don't need you to tell me why I think it's easier" So I fell silent and decided just to finish changing and go back to watching Youtube before we left. He apologized when I came back to the living room and I said it's cool lets watch the video. Then right before we were leaving he went to go get socks and came back and said "It's wierd that the cat's look away when you look at them." Without thinking too in depth I said, "They take it as a sign of agression." He sighed and rolled his eyes and told me that it was a bad habit of mine to inform him of such base level knowledge. "I really didn't want to go into a whole discussion because I was still a little peeved about him cutting me off before and I didn't want a lecture or lesson on what I had said wrong. So I said I wouldn't inform him about things like that anymore and he said "Well, let me explain why." I said alright and he proceeded to explain that I should have already known that he knew such 6th grade trivia. I should have been thinking on a deeper level. He already knew that cats took it as a sign of agression, he meant that since our cats should know by now that we would never be aggressive towards them there must be some other reason behind them looking away. I just looked at him trying to process the fact that he is upset with me because I didn't initially understand that he wanted a deeper response about the cat's behavior. I said "I must just be too stupid." I was being too sensitive but he had just been very rude a moment earlier. He stormed out of the house a moment later saying he didn't need this @#$% anymore. I ran after him and stopped him saying that it wasn't a big deal lets go back inside. When we got there I said I wasn't trying to piss him off I was being sarcastic because I felt he was rude. He went off about how he needs a deeper level of understanding from a friend then what I can give him. That we could maintain a friendship but the sex was going to end and that he was moving away. I was confused on how we had taken such a jump in conversation. I said "what, what are you talking about, are you moving soon? Are we going to cease having sex immediately?" He said if I wanted to drive fine but he wasn't going to talk about it. I said fine. When we got to the gym I didn't feel like going in, especially since my eyes were still puffy from crying during our earlier conversation. He was upset that I wasn't going in. I sat there for about twenty minutes waiting to look normal and then went in. After the gym I tried to find out what was going on. He wouldn't speak. I tried to defend myself about the earlier altercation and he wouldn't discuss it. I dropped him off and went to go get food. When I returned I asked if we could eventually discuss what's going on. He said no, the answer is no to everything. No sex, no hanging out, no going to the gym. We could be cool around the house and that's it. My question is was I in the wrong? Should I have known what he meant about the cat comment. WOULD ANY OF YOU HAVE RESPONDED ON A DEEPER LEVEL? Did I not have the right to ask him what was going on. Would you even bother trying to maintain any sort of friendship with this man? I feel so stupid and guilty. It's like we can only remain cool for a little over a month and then he can't take me anymore. Am I that obnoxious? I feEl unattractive, and worthless. No one is ever going to see me as a worthwhile person to spend time with, I'm just a comma-a pause before the real thing-a time filler. He is going to move relatively soon for a new job and even if he doesn't I'll just be the roommate. After all this time we spent together I'm just an expendable person. He would rather not have me around at all. How can he not care?

If you stay in this toxic situation, you will continue to feel worthless. PLEASE, please...move out NOW. And if you're not already in therapy, find a good counselor and start going.
You can't start rebuilding your self-esteem until you remove the poison and make no mistake, he is poison for you.
It's so not about the cat comment or really, anything else you've posted. You are not seeing the forest for the trees here.
Sheri
Good luck
Welcome to the board civiljenna,
It's time for you to move.
The thing is I and all of us on the board can tell you what to do but the when is up to you. You aren't going to do anything until you are ready. You will know when you've had enough. Gather this information, make a plan, and when the mood strikes you will stand up for yourself because despite what this rotten person says or does to you you are worth it. You do matter and you are not hopeless. You are strong and can make it on your own. Be grateful for how he helped you but thats all he gets. He doesn't get the beautiful, intellegent, strong finished product. His loss.
oh hon can you see what this is doing to you? you're putting all worth about yourself in his hands. if he treats you good you feel good about yourself. if he treats you bad you think you're the worst person in the world. you are not pathetic and you're not horrible to be around. he has complete emotional control over you and he's playing you like a puppet. you need to walk away. don't let someone else show you who you are and are not. get out of the house for good. start doing things for yourself and not just for him. it seems that all your energy is going in what to do to make him like you and want to be with you. what about focusing that energy in trying to make yourself like you more? get out there. discover what you want to do and what you like to do and who you are outside this relationship. you have so much in you. you just have to look a little deeper. cut him out. focus on the people who love you for who you are. if you want to feel better about yourself that can only start with you. no one can teach you how to love yourself. you have to do it. rediscover yourself away from him.
good luck. we're all here for you.
hugs!
You love him. You can't change that. But, you can't change him either and he is not one of the good ones. And anyone who makes you feel that you are worthless is someone you have to cut out of your life. You said he helped you to feel good about yourself when he helped you loose weight, like I said before, be grateful for that but now he is not doing that anymore, he's making you feel bad about yourself when you should be celebrating your accomplishments.
I know its hard and it will take time but take your first steps. You will go through some dark times, we all are, but it won't be forever.