I fell for him once again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
I fell for him once again
5
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 2:15pm
I recently tried to make things work again with the sme guy who broke my heart just 8 months ago. Everything was great at first. Then his ex approached me one day and told me that while me and my boyfriend were together the last time he cheated on me 3 times with her. I confronted him about it and he confessed. So we decided to work through it. Stupid me. I told him he could not have any contact with her. He agreed. ANd we tried to make us work. Then just last week. I foudn them two together, just ahnging out but it was enough. I blew up and we fought and then decided to end it. I just dont understand why I keep going back and why I keep trying to hold onto something that hurts so deeply. Why can't I let him go? Why can't I move on. I was doing so good we broke last time and it was for 7 months. I was doing really good, seeing other people. And then he showed up one day, on my door step and confessed feelings to me that I though were genuine. So now after everything that has happened in the last week, why did he say it if he didn't mean it? I am so confused and so desperately seeking a friend to help me get through this. It has been almost a week and just now I am starting to realize what I am loosing. And I am scared and I don't know how to sleep alone anymore. I don't know how to think and I don't think I know how to love anymore. Why do I do this to myself evertime he walks in the door... why don't I just say no, not this time....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 2:56pm

hey there...first i want to say i'm sorry for all your pain, i think everyone on this board can relate to having pain/sadness/hurt/tears....all our situations may not be the same, but pain is pain. 2ndly, don't beat up on yourself...we've all been there. we are all human..including you and we make mistakes, but it is neccessary in order to learn and grow...there is something here in that you need to learn, a lesson, and until you figure what that is and work on it, it will keep coming up...you kept taking him back, partly could be love, but more so probably attachment, afraid of letting go, fear of being alone....there are so many reasons why we stay in toxic or "bad" relationships...we need to figure out what those reasons are and work on those issues before we can really let go of these relationships/ex's, especially the toxic ones....and like i said to another person on here, no matter how much you tell yourself or how much others tell you to let go of him because he's a jerk etc., you can't and you won't (atleast not for good) until you are really ready in mind, body, heart, and soul. I want to quote something out of a really helpful book called "Faith in the Valley", which i think will help you understand or accept why you keep/kept taking him back...."We may know the behaviour is unproductive or inappropriate. We may now it is foolish or dangerous. Still we insist it must be done. That is how we get ourselves in trouble, hurt, or embarrassed. In response to what we do, we feel bad, beat up on ourselves, or blame others. Whatever we do, we do it because we need to do it. No matter how foolish, hazordous, or outlandish it may be, it is simply another lesson we must learn in the classroom of life"....Iyanla Vanzant. I know it's hard and you miss him, i was with my ex for 4 yrs(lived for 2) and when we broke up, and i moved into my new apt....i was devasted..coming home to an empty apt, eating dinner alone, no one to talk about my day with, going to bed alone, waking up alone....there were days where i was afraid to go home after work, because i didn't want to face all that, but i had no choice i had to...i'm still trying to get used to that and it's been a year since our break up...I'm kind of used to being by myself, but i haven't fully healed or let goed of him yet...but that's because i have different issues(issues of guilt/regret..i broke up with him and did some not so nice things). So even though our situations are different and there are different issues....like i said before...pain is pain, sadness is sadness...etc..so i know your pain and the fear of being alone and lonely.

One last thing...i know i'm rambling...but you said you were realizing what you lost and it's making you sad....what did you lose? you lost someone who cheated on you repeatedly and obviously has issues of his own that he's probably not ready to see and work on...I'm not saying to hate him(because anger only gets you so far), or that he's a horrible person...yes what he's done to you is horrible and dis-respectful...but none of us are perfect...we all make mistakes, the difference is some of us are willing to admit our mistakes/apologize for them, and work on ourselves/issues so we don't make those same mistakes again...unfortunately i don't think your ex is one of those who realize what he's done...atleast not yet...so bottom line, you need to be apart...you don't deserve to be with someone who's going to keep cheating on you, and let's face it, until he works on himself, he won't be able to give you what you want and deserve. and you should really take this time to really work on yourself/issues...learn, grow, and heal....that's what i'm trying to do, and i hope you do too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:47pm
Here is a thought that will save MANY of you time. People cannot help being who they are. If you have a cheater, this is who they are. If you have an enabler and so on..get it. How about this? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 4:53pm

I am sorry you are hurting once again. It's only natural to want to believe people, especially when you have a tender heart for him. Of course you hoped for the best and wanted it to work out, and had the very best intentions! One thing you can do is KNOW that you gave it your all, you tried to forgive him and love him despite his misgivings and baggage, and he didn't cherish you like you deserve. You can't dwell on why you did what you did, and why he didn't follow thru with his promises. I'm sure he could see what he was missing and in his own way really cared about you, but still has so many issues with his past or just isn't man enough to do what it takes to make a long loving relationship but thats all done now. I don't think he came back to you with intent to hurt you at all. I'm surprised he can pick out his own clothes in the morning,lol. I'm sure you are absolutely wonderful and he knows that, but he can't commit to you like you deserve. He doesn't need to string you along and hurt you anymore. You are going to be ok :)

warmest wishes to new beginnings
Grace

And here's a thought... what if you knew that inside his heart he wanted to try again but wasn't completely sure if it would work, would you want him to try again and see? Or have him drop it to spare feelings since there is a chance it might not work out???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 6:33pm

Sorry you have to go through this.

::I just dont understand why I keep going back and why I keep trying to hold onto something that hurts so deeply. Why can't I let him go? Why can't I move on.

You want a different outcome to the situation. You want him to want you, to feel the same and you want to 'win' over his ex. You want to be better than her. You want to make him love you more, care more, be better with you.

::And then he showed up one day, on my door step and confessed feelings to me that I though were genuine.

He manipulates your feelings with words. Sounds like you like verbal validation of who you are as a person and what you mean to him.

Short-term counseling can help you work through those issues.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:39am
hi there, i have to disagree with you on that.....you cannot judge people from past behaviours/and their past period....we all make mistakes, and we all have issues...yes, if someone is a cheater, and don't care to figure out what issues may be causing them to do this(repeatedly), then most likely they will keep doing it, and that goes for anything...but there are many people who do seek help in some way or another to resolve these issues....and those people should not be judged for past mistakes, no one should...you should look at the kind of person they are now, not what they did in their past.....i don't think anyone of us has NEVER made mistakes, or done things we didn't regret after......now would we liked to be judged on those past mistakes...I know i wouldn't. Our mistakes are there as opportunities for us to learn and grow...some people realize this and try to find the lesson, learn and grow, some don't care, and you won't know that unless you get to know the person NOW....so it really isn't that simple and black and white to say..."once a cheater, always a cheater".