I fell out of love

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
I fell out of love
6
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 4:35pm
How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in? How do you tell the perfect man, I have no feelings for you? Why can’t I just love him? Why can’t I have passion for him? Why have I done such a good job “faking” it all this time?
How do you tell someone who is crazy about you, “I’m sorry, I just don’t love you.”
Someone I’ve had children with and someone with whom I’ve shared the last 9 1/2 years. Dreams change, people change, feelings change. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know what needs to be said, can’t be, with out doing so.
I don’t know that I ever really have been IN love with him. But I loved him and cared for him. I don’t want to hurt him…and I know this would crush him.
He took me out last night and kept saying, “I’m having such a good time with you” and “we’ve really done things right” and “I’m so happy with you”...all of which I answer, yeah….me too.
It’s been a while since I was “in” love w/ him and lately I feel that I don’t love him at all. But I care for him, because he is a good man. He is a good father and actually is a quite good husband. But I feel nothing for him.
I am a little nervous of being alone, sure. But I’m unhappy.
He is a good father. I wonder if sacrificing my children’s happiness for my own is ok? Would it be better to “stick it out” until they are older? Or would that just make things worse? Would it teach them to settle and stay where they are unhappy someday?
I can will myself to not fall for someone else, I can will myself to stay with him, but can I will myself to be in love with him?
I want a divorce…but I don’t want to hurt him. This would be such a shock for him. I’m just so much happier by myself. There is no one else, there isn’t even the thought of the possibility of someone else…there is only the feeling of, “I don’t want to be with him”.
What now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:29pm

hi

i think its better to tell him as soon as possible..he has the right to be free..i know you guys have some kids. but this is not a good reason to stay in this relationship.

i know someone she been married for 14yrs with the husband...10yrs ago she end cheating coz she doesnt feel that love anymore with the husband. she been cheating on him for 10yrs...last yr she broke up with the other guy..coz i thought she want to fix the problem with the husband...and later i find out that she start dating someone else. i ask her why she just let go of the husband..she told me she cant..coz she just used that his around also. well its confusing.

atleast you... i'm proud that your not cheating on him...but dear i think its better to set him free...and find someone that will love him.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:31pm
I was married 11 years to a guy that was a pretty good husband and a great father (married too young). I don't think I was ever really in love with him but, like you wrote, I cared for him so much. I thought I could learn to love him, however it was never passionate. In fact, it was a rather boring relationship. I wish I had tried counseling, instead I just hit him with the news one day. He took it so hard, and it has also been very rough on my daughter who is 11yrs old. I really regret not trying to work it out. See if counseling helps before divorce. When I filed my lawyer asked me if my husband had been abusive, unfaithful, etc. I replied no. She then said, "Well then why are you divorcing him?" I really did not have an answer. Trust me, try to salvage it and make divorce the last option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 8:56pm

I'm in the same boat as you are. My husband doesn't love me the same way I love him. He's not passionate about me, and its not reciprocated. I feel like a complete loser, but I had to do what I did. We were togther for 10 years. I loved him with all my heart and gave it my all/everything/life. But, over time, he started to change. He started to take me for granted, but I kept loving and loving.

Anyway, I told him last night that I'm over it. I want out. It hurts, but I think this is the right thing. I struggled with this decision and also feared that I would be alone. However, I think that it will work out in the end.

Stay strong to what you believe. You are worth every single energy in the universe. If you're not happy, then do something about it. Everyone deserves to be LOVED. If nobody will, then love yourself.. that's where it should begin!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:06am
Thanks for the advice. I think I am going to try some counseling on my own to figure out if it's just me...or whatever. Thanks so much for the kinds words too. I was a little scared that people would be like, "what the heck is your problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:41pm

I'm glad you're getting professional help. Don't worry about how other people react. If they tell you that you are strange or weird, then they are simply not your true friends. You are going through some tough times, what you really need is a friend to lean on who won't take advantage of the situation or judge you.

Good luck - and nobody here on iVillage will ask you what the heck your problem is! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 7:44am
I know this was a while ago that you posted, but I was wondering how it turned out. I have been with my husband for almost 9 years and while we have our problems that we see a counselor for, it get sbetter and then goes right back downhill. I was hoping to hear how it is going with you and find out if the counseling helped you or you opted for the "out". I too feel horrble that I would hurt him, but I am so unhappy. Hope to hear how things have turned out for you.