I F@$#ing slept with him!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
I F@$#ing slept with him!!!!
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:02pm
Hi Guys-

A virus took over my computer and for the past 5 days i've been off-line. But I'm back. Unfortunately, over the weekend, I got the call I was waiting for (3 weeks of NC...and devastated not to hear from him... well, he finally called at 1 am on Friday while I was out with my girlfriends...) I got his message, and my girlfriends begged me not to call him back...at least until I was sober enough to think it through. Reasonable enough, I thought. Then as I was putting away the phone in my bag, it rang again, and it was him. And I picked up.

"Can I see you? I miss you so much...please let me see you, I don't know what I'm doing, I need to see you?" he said. And of course, that melted me, and I agreed to ditch my girls to go see him (but believe me, they were ok with it...they are probably so sick of hearing me obsess over my breakup that they must've been relieved to get some time to talk about something else!!!). I ended up in his apartment...and the rest is history. The next morning it was as though we weren't broken up...which I loved (silly me!!!) yet I hated it at the same time cause I knew it wasn't real. Finally at 2 in the afternoon, I mustered up the courage to "pretend" to leave his apartment (hoping he would stop me by whipping out an engagement ring or something really dramatic and hollywood-esque...which he didn't do..DAMN!) but... he cried (bawled!!!) to me, assuring me he is really confused about things...but never saying "let's get back together"... So I finally left (this time hoping he would run after me screaming my name like a maniac -- of course to then whip out the engagement ring... which didn't happen... AGAIN...DAMN!!!). And I haven't heard from him since(which I expected).

I feel like I gave him his little "Fix". He got a little of me, now he can last for a few more weeks and then call me again to see what he can get. I assure you, my friends, that he will get nothing...but in the meantime, I'm a mess.

Initially, I felt a bit empowered (i.e. "Good, at least I know he's suffering a lot and knowing that he's so conflicted over leaving me feels good" -- and it does feel better than imagining he's an infantile-beer-swilling-philandering-lothario as I have for the last three weeks--)....but then that fake good feeling went away, and I just feel sorry for myself again. Not exactly for sleeping with him, but for not having him as my own anymore. I love him. I really do. I can't make him want to be with me if he doesn't, but I have to do a better job at taking care of myself....I was a big mess before, and I'm still a big mess now, still feeling like an idiot, cause all I want to do is see him again. And again. And again. And forever. I still just want to call him to hear his voice. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:23pm
I can imagine how you feel. I was almost ready to do the same and I don't know how I found the courage to say no.

Your ex is only taking advantage of you, he knows you still love him and he is just having sex with you to prove his power on you.

There is nothing that your friends or I can say to convince you that he is not worth it. It is only you who will have to put an end to that crazy obsession for him, it is demeaning and it is humilliating.

Iliana
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:51pm
I honestly don't know what to say either. It's been almost 3 weeks and I haven't heard from my ex and I wonder if he'll ever call again. At least you know you've been on his mind. I have no idea what my ex is thinking or feeling about the breakup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:09pm
Dearest Cl -

I know how you feel. The fact that he called me after three weeks was undoubtedly the most delicious moment in a while (really, though, it would've been better if he hadn't...but I was glad to hear from him). Hang tight. He will call. He is giving you some space and the longer you go without talking to him, the less likely you will be to slip up like i did. I know how hard it is not knowing what's on his mind. But if/when he calls, try to be pragmatic about things. He made a choice. Now you have to, have to, have to!!!! take care of yourself.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:15pm
I'm so sorry about what happened to you adgrl. I think I posted sometime last week about the 3 week mark always being problematic because you're removed enough from the breakup to not be all devastated so you trick yourself into thinking that maybe, just maybe you can be friends ... and then you go and do something impulsive like have sex because it feels good and you miss him so much and then usually you end up in more pain than you were to begin with. That's been my experience with the post-breakup sex experience anyway. Everytime I've done it, and I've done it several times, I've regretted it. I'm not judging you mind you, I'm just saying BTDT and I know it hurts like hell.

I forgot what your story is exactly. But it's probably something along the lines of you've been with him for x months or x years and he began to pull away or act funny or wouldn't commit, right? (Somehow it seems like we're all in similar situations.)

Perhaps next time he calls at 1 a.m. what you should do is ask him if he's willing to be in a serious committed relationship with you (assuming that's what you want). And then listen to his answer. If he says that is indeed what he wants, make a date to discuss it with him. But do not, under any circumstances, sleep with him again. It will just set you up on a vicious cycle of misery that could take months to break.

Hang in there and feel free to email me if you need extra support.

Hugs,

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:53am
Time Time Time- Take care of yourself- you said the magical words. Some people look at breakups in such a terrible way but they are really opportunitys. These opportunitys make you eventually go out and find out if he was really right for you. Hes got to do that too- however- dont go back and sleep with him again. They move forward and you are still on lock down for a while- women just have more emotion to what they do where as men can just do it and not think about it. We ponder it and evaluate it and reevaluate it and on and on and on!! Get your mind off of him by doing things you used to do when you were single. If you know he isnt thinking of you- why waste your energy thinking about him? Get out of you lock down mood and start doing what hes doing. Take a lesson from him- hang out with your guy friends and get their oppinions on what to do with yourself now, BEST ADVICE comes from men because theyve had the right idea for years- they can walk away and never look back. Women cant. So start going out with your friends- and dont cut them short because the x wants time with you- OH- How special for him- she cut her night short with her friends and ran to me when I called her! Nurse Betty! Would he do the same for you right now? Hum- auta try it some time- bet not. Hope things work out for you- youll get through it! best of luck -stacy