I F@$#ing slept with him!!!!
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| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:02pm |
A virus took over my computer and for the past 5 days i've been off-line. But I'm back. Unfortunately, over the weekend, I got the call I was waiting for (3 weeks of NC...and devastated not to hear from him... well, he finally called at 1 am on Friday while I was out with my girlfriends...) I got his message, and my girlfriends begged me not to call him back...at least until I was sober enough to think it through. Reasonable enough, I thought. Then as I was putting away the phone in my bag, it rang again, and it was him. And I picked up.
"Can I see you? I miss you so much...please let me see you, I don't know what I'm doing, I need to see you?" he said. And of course, that melted me, and I agreed to ditch my girls to go see him (but believe me, they were ok with it...they are probably so sick of hearing me obsess over my breakup that they must've been relieved to get some time to talk about something else!!!). I ended up in his apartment...and the rest is history. The next morning it was as though we weren't broken up...which I loved (silly me!!!) yet I hated it at the same time cause I knew it wasn't real. Finally at 2 in the afternoon, I mustered up the courage to "pretend" to leave his apartment (hoping he would stop me by whipping out an engagement ring or something really dramatic and hollywood-esque...which he didn't do..DAMN!) but... he cried (bawled!!!) to me, assuring me he is really confused about things...but never saying "let's get back together"... So I finally left (this time hoping he would run after me screaming my name like a maniac -- of course to then whip out the engagement ring... which didn't happen... AGAIN...DAMN!!!). And I haven't heard from him since(which I expected).
I feel like I gave him his little "Fix". He got a little of me, now he can last for a few more weeks and then call me again to see what he can get. I assure you, my friends, that he will get nothing...but in the meantime, I'm a mess.
Initially, I felt a bit empowered (i.e. "Good, at least I know he's suffering a lot and knowing that he's so conflicted over leaving me feels good" -- and it does feel better than imagining he's an infantile-beer-swilling-philandering-lothario as I have for the last three weeks--)....but then that fake good feeling went away, and I just feel sorry for myself again. Not exactly for sleeping with him, but for not having him as my own anymore. I love him. I really do. I can't make him want to be with me if he doesn't, but I have to do a better job at taking care of myself....I was a big mess before, and I'm still a big mess now, still feeling like an idiot, cause all I want to do is see him again. And again. And again. And forever. I still just want to call him to hear his voice. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

Your ex is only taking advantage of you, he knows you still love him and he is just having sex with you to prove his power on you.
There is nothing that your friends or I can say to convince you that he is not worth it. It is only you who will have to put an end to that crazy obsession for him, it is demeaning and it is humilliating.
Iliana
I know how you feel. The fact that he called me after three weeks was undoubtedly the most delicious moment in a while (really, though, it would've been better if he hadn't...but I was glad to hear from him). Hang tight. He will call. He is giving you some space and the longer you go without talking to him, the less likely you will be to slip up like i did. I know how hard it is not knowing what's on his mind. But if/when he calls, try to be pragmatic about things. He made a choice. Now you have to, have to, have to!!!! take care of yourself.
I forgot what your story is exactly. But it's probably something along the lines of you've been with him for x months or x years and he began to pull away or act funny or wouldn't commit, right? (Somehow it seems like we're all in similar situations.)
Perhaps next time he calls at 1 a.m. what you should do is ask him if he's willing to be in a serious committed relationship with you (assuming that's what you want). And then listen to his answer. If he says that is indeed what he wants, make a date to discuss it with him. But do not, under any circumstances, sleep with him again. It will just set you up on a vicious cycle of misery that could take months to break.
Hang in there and feel free to email me if you need extra support.
Hugs,
Laura