I give up, just can't do this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
I give up, just can't do this...
14
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 12:50pm
I just cannot let go and move on. I KNOW I am better off without him, but it's like part of me just will not accept this. We never even had an official ending, so I feel totally unclosed, and I just can't get past that. He called me the beginning of last week to, I'm finding out, most likely see if I'd answer the phone, which I did. Now I feel like the stupidest fool to walk this earth, and even worse, he's thinking he has me hanging on now, because I haven't heard since. I hate the fact that he thinks he "won"...how I am going to move past that??? Also, I feel like a worthless piece of garbage he just tossed away, like nothing between us ever meant anything, and I'm not even worth pursuing. I am just going through the motions of life, I feel so...blank. Everything just seems pointless.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:37pm
Oh hun, I know how you feel. It's over between my ex and me, but there was never an official ending. He just stopped calling me. Simple as that. I keep beating myself over wanting to hear from him just to let me know it's officially over. But sometimes you just gotta take things as they are. It's hard. It's painful. Just keep telling yourself that there's a reason why this isn't working. And it's in no way solely your fault. There's no sense in playing the blame game.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:57pm

It's only been a short time since things ended--and yes, I know it feels like ages when you're in pain, but my point is, it's *normal* to feel this after such a short amount of time. You just have to keep going "through" to get to the other side of the pain.

But the longer you hold on to thoughts like "I can't get over this" the longer the pain will last. Instead, try to think in terms of "I know it's going to take some time to move on but eventually I know I'll get to the other side". If you've gone through breakups before, you KNOW that's true, even if it seems like you'll never get over it in the moment.

As for the self-esteem stuff, are you working with a counselor on those issues? That's not really breakup related--or rather, the breakup brings it up but it has to be there in the first place for those feelings to surface. So this would be a good time to address those issues in counseling if you're not already.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 2:13pm

Whoa, slow down. I saw on the other board where you got that input about him "wanting to see if you'd pick up" or if "he still had power over you" Personally, I disagreed with what was said there. This is what happens when we're in very vulnerable emotional states, we'll sart to believe the negative things that are being told to us. Why? Well, because we're already sad and upset and listening to negative input is MUCH easier than listening to positive input. It take less energy to believe negative input when we're already negative. You must be careful of the advice and input you let into your life. Know where that person is coming from and what their agenda and motive is.

Ok, so here's some positive input: This breakup is giving you the opportunity to learn something about yourself and how you act in relationships. From your last couple of statements, I'm thinking you could use all the learning you can get your hands on. You're not worthless, you're not disposable. You're good and fabulous and you could use some time to make yourself even better. However, you ARE trying to control this situation, and it's royally upsetting you that you don't have it. Control is overrated, and it's an energy-drainer, so it's best to let it go.

You are CHOOSING to feel "like a worthless piece of garbage" simply because he hasn't called you. Wow. He hasn't told you that, no one has, this is something YOU are putting into your own mind, over and over, and it's becoming a belief of yours, but even though you put it there, you're blaming him for it. This is the start of a really nasty habit and you're going to become a bitter person if you keep doing that to yourself.

What you can do is of course, feel sad that this breakup has happened. You can see it as a time to grow. But wait a minute, hasn't this simply been a situation where one or both of you hasn't called the other? There's been no "breakup" that I can actually recall, just some miscommunication, and then you both stopped talking to each other? Or am I mistaking this for someone else? Help me out there, what's missing? Because if what I said is correct, then this could be a situation where miscommunication and jumping to conclusions *created* a breakup situation, where there was no need for it in the first place, just some honest discussion. Which is still not happening.

Let me know,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 4:05pm

Hi Sandra,

I can't even begin to tell you what your words mean. To be able to take just a little of this pressure off myself is beyond a miracle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am really really really beating myself over picking up the phone Monday. I just which he would call one more time so I could not answer this time...I know it's childish and a waste of time, it's just that he has treated me badly all along, there was a culminating incident, then I answer his stupid phone call...it's like I had so many chances to stand up for myself and I blew each one, and now he ends up on top, with no second thoughts or regrets I'm sure.

I am learning more and more about him as I try to work through this. He was always a very selfish, self-centered person, very, very sure of himself. Arrogant is an understatement. He used me in a multitude of ways, I won't even waste anyone's time going into that issue. All he did was take, take, take, giving back very little. But I was ALWAYS making excuses for him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, telling myself hey, nobody's perfect. And when we were together he was so kind and generous with me (I've since figured out, of course he was...so I'd keep obliging all HIS needs) Now I know better. And we never had an official relationship "label" I think he just kind of assumed, hey, if you're seeing me I don't expect you to be with anyone else (he had said this once when I had the nerve to bring it up) So I know there is absolutley nothing worth preserving with him, I know that now 100%. If it was someone who really mattered, and I knew was good for me, I would go to the end of the earth to resolve any sort ofmiscommunication or other problem. That's why I am SO frustrated with myself...everyone is like, he's no good, he never treated you right, why do you even care, you're better off, etc. I want to scream and say I KNOW this but I am stuck!!! Why can't I push past this??? It's like a he cast a spell on me or something.

I actually had two therapy appointments this week and I cancelled them both. I chickened out...I've been to therapy several times before and the results were very frustrating. I had seen one psychologist and 2 MSWs and I felt completely misunderstood. They kept trying to address stuff I did not have issues with, and I felt like they completely ignored the issues I was trying to get help with. It was a giant waste of time and money. I seem to get way more out of talking to people like this, friends, family (although I think if they hear this guy's name much longer they are going to strangle me, him, or both of us). I also do a LOT of reading/research.

It's an esteem issue, I know. And the ironic thing is I am always the person people come to with their problems, and I seem so good at helping them, I don't know why I can't take my own advice.

Again, Sandra, THANK YOU, for giving me some ability to see a little sliver of light. I am printing your post to read whenever I need a dose of strength and reality. Thank God for people like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 4:25pm

Welcome to the board mysticgirl05,


I agree with slowing down, you are allowing your head, thoughts and the opinions of others to get the best of you.


Let me break down your post to hopefully change your perspective.


::I just cannot let go and move on. I KNOW I am better off without him, but it's like part of me just will not accept this.


This is your state of mind and it's normal to feel this way. But it's also a choice. You are getting something out of staying in this place (state of mind).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 7:49pm

Hi Carrie,

Thank you so much for your input. I actually read the "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" a while ago but I think I need a refresher. And I have heard the David Burns book recommended many times so I'd like to check that out as well. I guess I can look at this as a good time to really learn to build myself up and be strong. Self-esteem has always been a problem for me.

I guess, like a lot of things in life, we can never be truly certain why something did or didn't happen, and there can be a LOT of theories as to the why, as I'm seeing here. I can also see that you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. I'm hoping that since I at least know and understand this guy is no good, I am that much ahead of the game and the whys will eventually quiet down and one day go away completely, along with the feeling of having to be the one to "win". This must be the true definition of "peace of mind". I have to admit I do like your take that it's possible HE was the one with the weak moment when he called me. I never even considered that possibility. He always acted like such a pompous a-hole that the idea of him having a weak moment brought a smile to my face!

Thank you again! *HUGS*

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:56pm

You are definitely not a piece of garbage. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years a month and a half ago and it really hurt then and it still hurts now. But I've been trying to go out and meet new people, hang with friends and do the things that I like to do. I try to fill my free time with as much things as possible to lessen the time I have to think about him.

He has not won anything. And if you continue to believe that, you will only feel worse about yourself. I keep telling my self that if my ex wanted to be in my life, he would be. My joy comes from knowing that at some point he's going to sit down and wonder what the hell he did and he's going to regret every minute that he spent away from me.

We women are smart, beautiful and independent as soon as we start believing it. No one else in this world should define who we are and who we can be. Do not give him that power. Whenever you do something make sure you give it your best shot. If you don't try you will make yourself unhealthy. Don't give him the power!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:21pm
Thank you! I really needed to hear that. I was feeling stronger and more secure last night and this morning, now tonight I feel myself slipping back : ( so reading your words is helping. I'm just missing him (stupid, I know, but I can't help it) wondering if I should be doing something, trying to figure it all out..I think I better just go to bed! Anyway, thank you again. I hope we both keep feeling better and one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, say WHAT were we thinking?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:24am
Wow! You and I are in the same boat floating aimlessly about at sea. Having read what you've written and the responses actually helped me too! I know I give my ex too much power over me. I break down and cry every single day and it gets soooo tiring!!! I do know that I'm fabulous and beautiful however, but my personal issue is that EVERY man in my life tells me the same words--your perfect; I can't believe you aren't married; you offer everything a man could need and want; your gorgeous...blah, blah blah...and then they suddenly start acting distant and walk out on me. This is the 3rd breakup (although, one was a rebound and soo not hard to get over! lol) I've had in the past year yet definitely the hardest as we were talking kids and looking at houses. I really thought we were "doing" something. I do believe my ex knows I'm wonderful and probably thinks about me a lot. Do I think he loved me? No. I thought he was falling though. In my situation, unavoidable circumstances may have caused us to break up but like you, my needs were never adequately being met. I don't know how many times I had to ask for more attention that never came. Calls were few and ALWAYS ended with "I'll call you back" and guess what..he never did. He always had time to text random impersonal stuff, but never had time to talk much. Communication was TERRIBLE between us. There was none. And I felt like he started looking for things so he could say "ah ha! she ISN'T perfect!" SO, again, like you, I also know I am better off without my ex. But that doesn't change how I feel about him. All those issues could have been worked on. But he decided to walk away instead of putting in the work. That is something I had no control over. I do know that someone who truly feels I'm worth it would have stuck it out. This knowing vs feeling thing sure is hard, isn't it? Hurry up time, and pass quickly!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 9:29am

I know...you wish you could just hit "fast forward" to where you know you'll start feeling better, right? Even this morning, I was going over the situation in my head, for the millioneth time, every word, action, expression, etc. ever said between us, trying to search for something, anything to explain this. I am having so much trouble just letting go! And what makes it hard is I am not even sure what I lost...our relationship was never clearly defined, one of the things that was always bothering me, so it's like I miss my...ummm...boyfriend? friend? friend w/benefits? Who the hell was he, anyway? That makes me even more mad at myself that I can't just say, ah, the hell with it, who cares and move on. I am the type of person though who when there is a problem, I think it should be fixed! I keep thinking like there is something I should be doing, something I am missing. I know, given the circumstances, I should just walk away, but part of me thinks to do that is irresponsible and immature. I guess that's why I constantly go over and over it in my head. Like the expression, "If the horse is dead, get off." Hmmm...I am trying but I seem to have my foot caught in the stirrup!!!

And I don't get this just not calling! If someone does not want to be with me, fine, I would never want to "force" someone into that, but don't just DISAPPEAR! Talk about immature. I could see having a couple of casual dates with someone and they don't call, fine, that happens on both sides, we've all been there/done that. But when it is someone you have spent time with, someone you've grown close to, shared things, in your case, talked long-term stuff like house, kids...it is the height of inconsideration to just bolt without even an explanation. Even something as simple as it's not working for me, sorry, is flat out better than just ignoring the person. Part of me wants to call him and tell him this, but I know that would probably not be the best idea. I want to clobber him...especially since he pulled this garbage 6 months ago as well.

I get the same string of compliments from guys too...so beautiful, so sweet, how is it you are not taken, your ex must have be crazy to leave, etc. then the same thing, eventually *poof* they're gone. But this most recent guy was not like that...he was a motormouth, but reserved when it came to romance. So when there were things here and there I felt like it was genuine (one thing I've learned is that when guys come on strong with the compliments they usually turn out to be problematic), I felt like I was breaking through and he was coming around. But then he disappeared too! No logic at all!

It's so hard to just chug along and not think. I wish I had more to occupy myself so I wouldn't think about him so much. I have a lot of friends at work but no one really outside of work. There are a lot of people in my area but not really many constructive ways to meet them, plus I am shy, so that doesn't help.

Well, sorry to ramble...I hope you feel better fast, and Happy 4th of July!!!

-K

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