I got jealous, he left. Need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
I got jealous, he left. Need advice.
3
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:10am
I need some advice and frankly ashamed to ask for it. I'm in my early thirties and based on my previous relationship relationship experience, I should be able to deal with this situation, but I am so confused and having a tough time getting closure on this situation, so I am turning to you for advice.

I was dating a fellow for about a month and it was fabulous. All signs indicated both of us were into each other. We had a connection and spent 3-4 days together a week. As mentioned earlier, it was fabulous - great conversations: humorous and serious, common activities: jogging, eating out, wine tasting, we were both career oriented, taking great pride in our contributions at work, and we were also sexually attracted to one another.

Everything was going rosy until we went to dinner one night and I noticed he had a scratch on chin with 2 little bruises right below it. I asked him where he got the scratch and he said he didn't remember, he may have got it mountain biking 2 days prior.

I immediately go into shut down mode. I think he is lying to me and get really quiet. I'm already a very jealous and insecure person - not a positive trait, I know, but I am going to therapy to work through those issues. He keeps asking me what is wrong and I say nothing, although something is obviously wrong with me. We leave the restaurant and go back to my place. When we got out of the cab, he asks me again, what is wrong. I finally confess that I find it hard to believe that he does not remember where he got the scratch and bruise on his chin.

He gets extremely angry with me and states that he can't believe he has to explain to me where he got the scratch. I tell him I'm sorry, I just find it hard to believe you can't remember where you got such a rather large scratch. He states that he see where this is going and storms off.

A couple days later he stops by my place to tell me he can't see me anymore because my behavior was was out of line. He said that for me to react that way after one month was inappropriate and he couldn't handle it. He said maybe after 4 or 5 months, fine, but after one month - it was too much for him.

I was totally confused. We were what I thought, extremely close, and I had no idea he would react that way by confessing what was really bothering me that evening. I am trying to reconcile the good times we had with that one negative interaction we had and I'm confused. Was what I did really that bad and warranting of him leaving me?

Would love your thoughts.


Edited 10/4/2004 2:11 am ET ET by smrtyjnz

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:48am
No, I don't think what you did was bad and warrants being left. Then again, I always tend to sympathize with jealoous people since I'm one myself.

It sounds to me like he's the one with the problem here. The two of you might have used this as an opportunity to explore your feelings and discuss where you think the relationship is headed. If he really cared about you he would have been concerned about your issues and would have tried to allay your anxiety.

I'm not sure that being together one month versus four or five is really the issue here. It sounds to me like the two of you were spending a lot of time together and perhaps went too far too fast. In most cases, from what I've learned, that's just not a good idea. I know it's tempting because in the beginning everything is so exciting and you just can't seem to get enough of each other. Unfortunately seeing each other too much in the beginning often leads to abrupt endings.

As much as you loved this man and thought this relationship had a future, it doesn't seem like he felt the same way. I was recently involved in a similar situation ... We were together for 3 months and started off pretty quickly. Within 2 months he started taking me for granted, and when problems arose he just shut down. I felt so hurt and insulted that he wasn't willing to work on our problems that I left. I'm not sure it's a question of who's wrong and who's right in my situation or in yours. But it does sound like you need to accept his decision and move on.

It's good that you're in therapy and dealing with your jealousy issues.

Please keep in touch and let us know what's going on. We're here for you and for each other. (You can also feel free to email me through my profile.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:22pm
Hey there! Just read up on your delema. What happens in relationships is many people are attracted to the same types of people sometimes people that remind them of past relationships. Most likely he had a bad experience with a woman who was jealous or someone who didnt trust his behaivor in the past this is most likely why he reacted the way he did. If he really shared the same feelings for you as you did for him then he would give you a second chance to prove yourself to him. Lets face it- its not like you asked him for his baby on the second date! You might want to try and talk to him and communicate yourself and your reasons to him with what you are going through- if he doesnt bite, he isnt the guy you thought he was and hes not worth your time- if this is the case youre better off because you were walking on invisible egg shells the whole time. Remember- its better you know now what kind of guy he is instead on later when you two have made more of a bond! He atleast needs to give you the respect and decency to hear your side of it- and if he doesnt- he wasnt worth it! stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:39pm
Welcome to the board!! I also have trouble beleiving his story....I could see if he had a bruise on his leg or something and not knowing where it came from because I get unexplainable bruises all the time but a scratch on your face......you're going to know what caused it unless you were *REALLY* drunk. And if he would have just said he got it mountain biking....that'd be fine but since he said he didn't know....then came up with the mountain biking....it sounds fishey....he would know if he hurt his face mountain biking or not!! I can't help but think he's on the defensive trying to cover something up....and yes I could be wrong but that's just what my gut feeling would be. I'm sorry you're having to go through with this but I guess it's better to happen now then a yr or so down the line. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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