I guess this is where I should be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
I guess this is where I should be...
5
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 9:17pm

After almost 9 years, I WANT to move on. there's been many times I've wanted to in the past and haven't been able to do it. He is my closest confidant and we are great friends most of the time. there is no romance or passion between (especially not on my end). so much I could write and tell you all - but the bottom line is still... I WANT to move on - I want the chance to find someone more suited to me and me to him. And even if that's not the case... I don't want to be the weak person that stays with someone just because she's afraid to be alone.

But ALONE is truly what I'm going to be. My friends have all married and are busy with their babies. I have NO clue how to go out there now at 29 and meet girlfriends that are real about friendships (e.g., Sex and the City). And while the "relationship" with him was not going to go anywhere or ever be anything more (my decision - not so much his) he WAS my companion in so many ways!

I was reading this post... http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=18710.1&ctx=0 and everything in it struck home. 2006 is my "3-0" year! It's scaring me! I want to have hope but I'm not sure I believe in "love" anymore. Yes, apparently I have issues way past just breaking up with a man I've spent almost my entire 20's with (well besides the others I sprinkled in there).

Anyway... I guess this is the board I need to hang around awhile. Read what you all have to say... share my thoughts and see what wisdom can be imparted to me!?

It's hard to walk away from something that ISN'T bad... but I don't feel completely happy in - course is it really the relationships job to make ME feel happy!? Is that something I have to find within myself... so how much weight should I be putting into the relationship... am I being unfair to it... or can I really be happier in another... or will that only be the case for a short time... deceiving me and making me think it is IT... only to marry and find 9 years into it I'm feeling EXACTLY as I am now!?!?!? ARGH!

XO
K

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:54am
??? anybody out there? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:19am

K (or sortaconfused)....

Pianoguy is curious about how "visible" you are to the outside world? If you've spent the past 9 years in the company of someone whom you (obviously) have no romantic feelings for...does anybody else know YOU EXIST?

While you might think you're "doomed at the age of 29"....you've got the option of getting involved with people who share your hobbies and interests...take an enrichment course at a college...volunteer some of your time for a favorite charity...or start your own business?

The point is...each of these options gives you AN OPPORTUNITY TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!

If you'd rather compare your drab lifestyle to the "more exciting options" your friends have...you'll wind up going nowhere! Rather than write yourself off at the age of 30, why not turn things around and look at this "new decade" as a time for change and personal growth?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 8:45pm

I'm sorry to hear about your situation; I know how hard it is to be in a relationship that is "good" but not "good enough." I have definitely been there. So, the question I think you need to answer first, is whether or not your relationship really is good enough. In fact, there's a book out there on this very topic "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" or maybe it's "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave," but either way, I'm sure you could find it if you're interested.

I stayed in a "good" relationship for a long time. He and I had fun together, he was really sweet, nice, friendly, etc. I loved that when we went to a party together, he would go and socialize and then all night I'd have people come up to me and tell me how cute he was because he was so friendly and nice to everyone. That part, the social stuff, was great. But, we had issues. We didn't agree on hardly anything; he's religious, I'm not, he was a spender, I'm a saver, he loved traveling, I'm more of a homebody, I believe that a 27 year old in the suburbs should own a car, he refused to buy one, etc. Pretty much, aside from going to parties together, if he enjoyed something, I didn't. Eventually, I decided that being in the relationship was just not good enough, because he and I were just not compatible.

Anyway, I know how you feel, and it is scary to think you're going to be alone out there; however, I don't think you should let fear keep you in a relationship that isn't good or right for you. Maybe your current friends are married, but there are millions of women who are 29 and not married. You just need to find them. You can do that by joining clubs, taking classes, and just generally being in public more. It is doable.

I think what you need to do is really be honest with yourself about both your happiness and your relationship. Try and figure out what is making you unhappy (a counselor may not be out of line, it could be very helpful) and then do what is going to be best for you in the long run. I tend to think that if this guy really is "the one" for you, you could take a break to do some soul searching and you will find each other again, but that is just me.

It's hard, but you can figure things out! Hang in there and post here anytime!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:25pm

Piano and Nikki - thank you both for your replies - both good, thought-provoking replies.

Is my situation uncommon for this board or did my post scare everyone away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 3:32pm

In my opinion, your post/situation is just one of those things that is hard to really understand or give advise on if it hasn't happened to you.

Nikki