I had a breakthrough last night.
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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 12:32pm |
After a weekend filled with wallowing/sadness/anger/too much wine, I was relaxing on my couch all day yesterday. He had gone to a party Friday that I was also invited to with his new girl (even though it's only been two weeks... she's been in the picture for a week). I decided it would be best not to attend the party. I talked a lot of things out with girlfriends, and I'm trying to begin the process of letting go of all this pain. I'm talking about it less, but I still think of it often.
Anyways... my point is this: last night, I got tired of laying on the couch, so I went to Barnes & Noble. I picked up the book Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall. I was stunned speechless when I read the chapter "The Man Without Fault". It was a word for word description of my ex and all of our long running arguments. It really put things into perspective for me, and helped me to stop blaming myself for the demise of the relationship. I also helped me to realize that the relationship was ultimately doomed a LONG time ago. Our destructive patterns had repeated so many times, and I had even given him the same sort of "do or die" ultimatum that the book suggested (even though that was two weeks ago before I read the book).
It's really great to see the words in black and white. That I wasn't just making up these problems out of the blue. He was emotionally withholding, was constantly bringing me down to build himself up, and took without reciprocity. I don't think he is a bad person, but I see him for what he really is right now. The funny thing is that I knew it all along, I just didn't want to admit it, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Today I'm feeling a lot better. I read the chapter again. Naturally, I'm still thinking about things a LOT, but I do feel a little less overwhelmed. And strangely enough, I feel less angry. I almost feel sorry for him... but I won't go that far ;-)

The book and the haircut will probably do you a world of good. Glad you got some outside perspective on letting go of drama that was never yours to begin with ;)
Best,
"It's Called a Breakup" is currently in the mail... I ordered it from Amazon so that the Barnes & Noble clerk will stop looking at me like I'm a wounded puppy.
He was impressed by "60 Hikes within 60 Miles of Atlanta" though... so I've got that going for me.