i hate memories...need to vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
i hate memories...need to vent!
5
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 3:24am

as my last thread illustrated... i go through waves of PANGS where im in this incredible torment... this past saturday night, i spent two hours at my office on campus at 1am crying and crying and crying over my ex... i was trying to study for my stats final exam and everything reminded me of him and all i wanted to do was drive over to his house and beg for him to hold me...

but, hours passed by, i think i failed the exam, and now its monday night... that PANICKY feeling has thankfully subsided, and im feeling a little bit "better." im studying for yet another final tonight - but im doing alright.. at least this subject is not specifically tieing me back to the ex... the only thing i can think of is how i wasted 4 hrs of my time with him the night before the final assignment was due...

i had met with him last sunday to "finalize" our breakup, if you may. it was stupid-closure didnt make me feel better at all. his reasons for parting are ridiculous. his rationality is chicken crap. and when he admitted to me how being with me "just feels right," - i truly thought i was going to punch him in the face. i still dont understand how a full grown 28 yr old man can think and behave like that, and theres still that part of me that hopes with all my might how he will come to his senses. theres still that strong part of me that just intuitively KNOWS how this breakup is wrong...

but really, it doesnt matter does it? does it matter how much we love them? does it matter how much they love us? does it matter how much this is meant to be? does it matter what went wrong? does it matter how happy we were? .. at the end of the day, none of that matters and the only thing we need to know really is how we are NOT with them. blech.

in the last few days, (except for this past saturday) - ive actually been doing pretty well. i havent bawled uncontrollably, or found myself unable to function at all. i have lost my appetitite in the last four weeks, but still - my life is still here and im still breathing and kickin' and alive.. ive realized that despite how much i hurt right now, the cut is really not THAT deep. i felt worse last year when we first broke up - .. so maybe thats some sorta good sign?? overall, im actually doing pretty decent i must say... :)

but anyways, - the one thing that bothers me the most i think right now .. is "remembering" him... i hate seeing things that remind me of him, being in places where him and i used to frequent, smelling scents that link me back to him, eating foods that him and i have shared... all these memories creep up on me and it is in that second (or more) that i sit there in pain and sorrow. like the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (in which i had ironically watched with him!) - id delete every memory if i could. it would definately make this process a lot more easier, i can tell you that.

but yah, i just absolutely hate thinking about him. i hate remembering all the great things we shared. i hate remembering how great he was to me. my mind tonight wandered back to some of the text messages he'd send me, and how he sent me over 500 in one month! i remember how close we were at his parents house just two nights before we broke up, i remember how he kissed me with such affection the last time i dropped him off, i remember his face when we last made love, and when i was out with girlfriends for icecream this sunda night - i remember how he pointed to his mom's favourite restaurant on the last stroll we took together downtown..i remember freakin' everything ---- UGHHHH.

and right now, i feel like i hate him for giving me so many wonderful memories. i wish he was a jerk to me, i wish he didnt care about me, i wish we were never so close... cause then at least i could think of all the bad things and sit here in disgust and relief. but, not in my case... all i have are good things - and im left wondering why and wanting to cry yet slap him at the same time.

i know there is truth to the saying, "time heals all wounds" - ive experienced it myself... but still, until that "time" comes - i want all of this to go away... i want to FORGET about him and STOP THINKING about him!! its driving me mad here... anyone have suggestions on how to delete him??

and oh - i have no good wishes for him. im not selfish or evil or unkind, - but ill be honest here... i have no good wishes for my ex right now. i do not "hope he finds happines" or "wish him the best" or whatever...im still too hurt and resentful of my current situation to bid him well. instead, i hope he never finds happines, i hope he loses his hair and gains weight, i hope he wont wed in the next few years, i hope the next time he has sex - its going to SUCK and he'll lie there and reminice about how great it was with me... i hope to bump into him years from now and ill be all happy and successful while nothing's changed for him... i hope his decision to give up on our relationship will haunt him forever... yes, not nice of me - i know... but i cant help it!! lol

ok - needed that vent - thanks! :)
eeksj

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:00pm

Time to do index cards, so that when the good memories surface, you can remember the reality!!! If you don't know what I'm talking about, read this post (it's towards the end of the post):

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmendingbro&msg=9612.1

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:30pm

heres the sad and horrible and unfortunate thing... i do have index cards...but theyre not all that effective for me since 1)theres really nothing i particularly hate/do not like about my ex... everything that i would consider a "negative" attribute - is still something that i adore about him nonetheless, 2)i had to force myself to come up with things i hate about him and upon doing so - feel even more sad at how there isnt anything, and 3)upon going through the index cards, i fail to convince myself of how much i dont like about him and in the end - get more sad when i realize that i love everything about him!!! ahhhh...

so instead, i wrote new index cards instead the other night...and instead of having things like: "he chews with his mouth open" .. my index cards were more like: "hes not right for me if he gives up on me" and "ive gotten over him once, i can and will again." ... more "empowering" than anything..

i cant say that theyre all that effective.. but im trying??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:46pm

So he never once in the whole time you were together did something that upset you? That would be pretty amazing if so. If he did, however, I'd focus on things like that, not qualities and characteristics, but specific examples of things he did that were negative.

If he really treated you perfectly in every respect and never did *anything* to upset you, then, yes, you'll have to focus on the fact that he ended it, so that in and of itself means he's not right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:13pm

You know what.....separate the "memories" from your "expectations and emotional associations with those events" and you would not have this problem - period the end.

Here's the thing.........when he was kissing you so tenderly....you weren't engaged only in "the moment" - mentally and emotionally. YOu were thinking and feeling as a response to the thought.......(couldn't feel without thinking!)........his love for me as Iunderstand it makes me feel so secure about my life, makes me so comfortable in my own skin, it eases my fears about "what if" and it calms the anxiety of "if only".

That's what you "associated" with his tender kisses.

If you can step OUT of this context for a second...I know you can, anybody with a vivid imagination can do this. Envision somenoe that you dated 2-3 times......and put that "kiss" into a scenario with them. Them kissing you that tenderly and affectionately...and bam......oh my god, there isn't all that "feeling" there isn't all that "expectation" as a result of them being "an expert kisser".

Because if that had happened on date 2 or 3.......at your door....you'd have been "wow'd" by the kiss itself....but you wouldn't have thought about your future, your needs, you wouldn't have had expectations as a result of that kiss regarding your future in any way, or your identity.

It would have been more practical, logical and correct an assessment....man, that guy can really kiss and it brought me to my knees, let's NOT do that again until I am in a position to drop the thong and get it on.

So what is giving you the grief is the return in full of 'what if and if only"....and that clouds your ability to hear what he said objectively.

The reason the "closure" session produced nothing of value is that closure is what you give yourself by determining "it's over for me, becuase i require it of me'....and that leads you to close the door on possibility of what if and if only and reuniting with them.

It's not good for you, and like a mature person - you're going to dowhat is right and good for you - this is over, it hurts, it stings...but it's over and move on. Mature people realize in great pain there is great progress - but ONLY if they require it of themselves. Ask anybody who's lost the love of their life to death...or worse and yes there is worse and it's not lsoing teh relationship - it's traumatic physical distress that causes ths person not to be who they were, but still be here in the present. Think Terry Shiavo.

So what you're suffering from is all the hopes, dreams, expectations, and desires that were so pretty wrapped - that you prematurely unwrapped and got out and started to utilize, as if the wedding had already happened, so the presents you received were now yours to use.

Wrap all those hopes, dreams, expectations and desires - onceyou clean them up, rearrange them for your new set of goals and priorities and values to some degree......and put them back on teh shelf. They'll be beautifully wrapped, with you full well knowing that you have no real desire to open them prematurely. YOu'd rather use them "together"...and unwrap them together....rather than "on your own because you can".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:29pm

I saw this post and it reminded me of a very similar situation that I was recently in myself. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years and when we first split I would say the chances of us getting back together were better than 50/50. We had been living together for the past two years. Ironically we moved in together after our first breakup. I'm not going to paint you a rosy picture of how wonderful our relationship was or anything like that, truth be told it was pretty much hell. After I had moved out this past october we missed each other. We would see each other regularly, still say "I love you", sleep together (sometimes we had sex, sometimes we just snuggled), all that good stuff. Then in November, on Thanksgiving, the backslide began. I had a dream about being at her wedding reception (no, I wasn't the groom). I woke up sweating and shaking. That was the begining of 3 months of getting little to no sleep, literally three to four hours a night. I missed her terribly, I missed snuggling up to her every night, her conversation, basically I missed everything about our relationship. Around Christmas my diet had become almost nonexistant, I was probably taking in less than 500 calories a day, sometimes I wouldn't eat for a couple days. I lost twenty pounds in less than a month. Eventually I nearly committed suicide and ended up in the hospital for a few days to get sorted out. When I returned home from the hospital I realized something though. I realized that after being with her for so long that she pervaded everything around me. Gifts from her, her photos, and other assorted items were all over my apartment and these things constantly reminded me of her absense from my life. So, for the next week I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Her gifts to me went into storage, her photos were either cut up or stowed away for a day when I can see them again and not feel the hurt caused by losing her. I mean I was literally finding things everywhere, especially the photos...they were used as bookmarks, in folders, sitting out, on my wall...everywhere around me. Yes, putting her in a box or the trash may be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life...I literally balled for hours every day as I did it. I kept asking myself if I was ever going to be finished...then one day it was finished and I felt a lot better. That was until she started emailing me the next week. She appologized for how she had treated my during our relationship and said many, many nice things about me...things she had never said to me while we were together. Deep down I was hoping for a reconsiliation, but was once agian lead to a disappointing end. When I realized that a reconciliation wasn't going to happen, I told her to just leave me alone...that if we aren't going to be together that I would rather have her out of my life completely. It took a 20 gallon tote to pack her away, there were DVDs, a Playstation 2 system, clothes, all kinds of things. On top of all that stuff I put her favorite picture of me. I'm peacefully asleep in the photo and underneath the photo I wrote a note to myself asking if I am really ready to open the box because doing so really is gutwrenching for me. I did have to go into the box just the other week because I was giving my younger brothers one of the PS2 controllers because theirs broke. Obviously I wasn't quite ready yet. I thought I had taken all her pictures out of their frames and sealed them an envelope but there was one that wasn't and when I picked the frame up and saw her face again I cried my eyes out. It's now been nearly a month since we have last spoken or seen each other other than twice where we have been in the same place at the same time. We pass by each other without saying a word and even though it hurts it's better for us both that way.

Why did I tell that long story? Merely to ask this question and make a couple of statements. Are you surrounded by things that remind you of your ex? If you are, please for your own sake, trash them or put them somewhere where you aren't going to see them all the time...it just multiplies the pain you feel by not being able to be with him when you miss him. You may think that they comfort you but really they're just binding you to the past and to hopes for a future that probably won't happen. Seeing all of those happy memories around only makes you want for more happy memories with that person. I was prompted to write this primarily by you saying you were having trouble eating...I know how that is and it's awful. Losing 20lbs. in a month was not good at all for me, I'd hate to see someone else travel down that road...it doesn't only effect your body but also your mind.

By the way, Erin...I really liked your analogy with the wedding gifts, I know exactly where you're comming from. I can't wait to unwrap my gifts again someday with someone that deserves to unwrap them with me but currently they're on my shelf collecting dust and I have no plans in the near future to unwrap them again.

-Shawn