I have to break up, but how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
I have to break up, but how?
5
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:19pm

So, my problem is slightly different. I made the mistake of dating a widower, with kids living at home. We go out once a week, he doesn't call or email in between & I can't contact him because of the children. I don't exist even in the vaguest of terms to any of his friends or family members. He wants nothing to do with any of my friends or family. Basically I'm treated exactly as a mistress, except the wife is dead. Since this isn't the sort of dysfunctional relationship I'm looking for I have to end it. He's just so nice and I just don't want to take my place as that heartless shrew. I met him at work 8 years ago, while his wife was still alive, absolutely nothing went on, but I did put him on the "If he ever gets divorced list." Last December he turned back up at work as a widower. Like a fool I started dating him. Now the relationship is nothing more than a weekly date, I told him I felt like the other woman, and he told me (in true oblivious male manner) that he wasn't seeing anyone else. I let the subject drop, but it's all I think about. Somehow he has made me question everything about myself, my self esteem has started to crumble, so I know I have to break it off.

So here it is. How do you dump a guy nicely & without calling (e-mail seems like the only option?) It has to be clear, because I can't unleash the friend bomb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:51am

um wel if email is the only way you can think of then do it that way. at least you get to say everything you want to and you have time to think about it. but why not do it during one of your weekly dates... it may not be too bad doing it in person.

well whichever way you choose to do it the only way to do it is to tell him exactly what you feel. your reasons aren't bad.. well its not like your breaking up with him for someone else, etc. if he really wants to keep seeing you then he'll make compromises and start involving you into his life. if he doesnt, then he doesnt, you just move on. im sure that he will understand your reasons and he may feel bad or hurt but he wont blame you at all for feeling the way you do.

good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:55am

ohpleasestop...

Pianoguy got a couple of different impressions after reading your ivillage user name! !

ANYWAY...send out an email to the widower indicating that the current arrangement the 2 of you have ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU! He'll use the "I'm not seeing anybody else" and "you're the only woman in my life" lines a few more times. But once he realizes that those lame excuses aren't going to keep you by his side....he'll either have to come up with one or two solid incentives to keep your relationship intact----OR LET YOU GO!

Just be prepared for either...okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:22pm

hi ohpleasestop

well for me its better to be honest and tell him your true feelings. i do understand that he got hurt that the wife die. there nothing he could do with that right? BUT WHAT ABOUT HIM HE RATHER BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. IT SEEM THAT HE DIE W/ THE WIFE TOO. WHAT ABOUT HIS KIDS AND FAMILY THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE NEEDED SOMEBODY TO BE WITH HIM TO SUPPORT HIM, LOVE HIM AND ETC. UNLESS HE PREPARE TO BE WIDOWER FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...AND THATS THE PROBLEM FOR YOU THERE.

WELL I'M ASSUMING HIS NOT READY TO MOVE ON AND I GUESS ITS TOO EARLY FOR HIM TO HAVE SOMEONE. I THINK HE FEEL GUILTY IF HE JUMP TO A NEW RELATIONSHIP.

WELL IF YOU THINK HIS WORTHLESS GUY. TELL HIM STRAIGHT UP THAT HE NEED TO BE STRAIGHT TO THE POINT WHAT HE REALLY WANT AND IF HE TOLD YOU HIS NOT SURE...TELL HIM YOU WILL GIVE HIS TIME TO THINK AND FOR A WHILE STOP EMAIL, CALLING OR HAVING CONTACT WITH HIM. AND ALSO TELL HIM HE COULD CALL YOU IF HIS READY TO FACE THE REALITY!!!!

ATLEAST YOU GIVE HIM OPTION AND IT WONT LOOK THAT YOUR RUSHING HIM. ALSO HE WILL THINK YOUR A NICE UNDERSTANDING PERSON NOT A PUSHY ONE. I HOPE YOU GET THE POINT GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:18pm

Well I'd like to thank you for your input.

I basically e-mailed him with the "call me we need to talk, ASAP" phrase. He did, he really is a keeper (if only I had a time machine!) I told him basically that this wasn't enough for me, & while I understood that he had kids, I'd rather move on, than feel guilty & isolated. He trotted out the "I have kids" line which is always his reasoning for everything (wow that sounded bitter, I wish he would make something up, like I was combing my sea monkeys!) Apparently the kids require 24 hour monitoring since my lofty request for an impromptu 5 minute phone call was nearly insurmountable. He didn't take the news well. I laid it out that I needed more and that I knew he was too busy, he did the kid excuse thing, I told him I understood but that didn't invalidate my need for companionship. I then started to cave & said if he wanted keep dating that I needed him to be more available (which is a giant understatement.) He went into "I have to take this in & think about how I can make this work." Which is of course reasonable, but I don't like all this drama & personally I don't see how it could work out, he'll tell me what I need to hear then do exactly what he has done all along, right? I know he feels guilty about dating & I'll never fully understand his point of view. If there is someone out there that can could point it out to me please do so.

It basically boils down to me needing more of his already too hectic schedule, if he ponies it up then I'll just feel more guilty. I just don't see the dilemma, we have to stop dating, either I will freak from the guilt & loneliness or he will stroke out from all the stress. I didn't get the impression that he was going to see the infallibility of my logic and agree to end it, so now I've made it worse by going spineless and leaving the decision to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 6:55am
Hi ops ~ I'm gonna remember the sea monkey line for my next SO, and I like your 'serious, but trying to be workable' method of dealing with your problem ... listen to your gut instinct here.