i have to do this and i'm so sad
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i have to do this and i'm so sad
| Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:39pm |
Hi there, I've been posting on the ask the relationship saver site and now that I know it's time to break it off with my boyfriend after three years, I'm finding it to be the toughest thing I've had to do. I haven't done it yet but I've commited myself to ending it by next week. I don't even want to break up but the truth is, I have to. we spoke about marriage a few weeks ago and when I asked him when he's thinking about getting married, all he said was he's not thinking about it AT ALL (he's in his early 30s) and doesn't know when he even wants to. i asked him for a timetable and all he did was shrug. to me, that told me how he feels not just about marriage, but about me. shrug. he doesn't know. what makes it so painful is that we've had such wonderful, memorable times together these past few years-- he's introduced me to his family and friends and been with me through hard times-- and very soon, it will all amount to absolutely nothing. i feel like a failure. I'm in my late 20s, all of my friends are married or getting married, and after three years, my relationship that I thought would go somewhere is worthless and has been a waste of my time. i do love him and it makes me feel worse when i think of all the good times we've had and how much we have in common. it's going to be so hard for me to move on from this. a friend of mine who's told me that she thinks I deserve better has offered to fix me up with a coworker she said wants to have a serious relationship and she wants me to give him a chance and not waste my time anymore. this guy sounds great, but it's so hard imagining myself kissing someone else at this point. i'm trying to remind myself over and over why this needs to end but all i can think is how much i'll miss him. there's so much i'm going to miss in our relationship. i feel like no one else is going to make me laugh the way he does, have the same interests, hold me the way he does... how will i be able to replace this and learn to accept it from someone else? i'm afraid of what my life will be like once I tell him it has to end...

Hi,
I totally know what you are going through. I was in a relationship for 10 years, he totally took over my life (I let Him) because I thought he was going to be committed to me. After 5 years we had a daughter, he never even moved in always had an excuse why he couldn't. I did break it off after the first three years. He begged me to take him back he even gave me a ring. But when marriage came up he would say he wasn't ready he wanted to grow his business. Then the cheating began or I found out about it. So, here I am 11 years later with a 5 year old that has never lived as a family. I decided last year that I was all done and told him it was over. It was very hard to do, and of course he thought that it was just me complaining again... well I stuck to it... 3 months later I met a wonderful guy and I am very happy, something I have not been in a very long time. But guess what... Now my ex is very upset that someone else is with me and does nothing but cause grief for me and uses my daughter to get to me. He didn't want to be committed to me when he could and now that I am headed towards future happiness he says I should be with him.
I had to end it and I did... Stay strong you are very young and have only invested 3 years of your life don't be like me and wait 10 years!
Good Luck!
So sorry you are feeling this pain.
I can understand your feelings of wanting to take your relationship to the next step. I was going to be married in less than a month, but two weeks ago, the wedding was called off. So needless to say, I am devestated and heartbroken. He won't be back. I have to deal with that.
A few years ago, I was engaged to a guy. He was sweet at first, never really had a girlfriend, and acted like he wanted to get married so much. When time passed and I asked him when we could set a date, he put it off over and over again, and would get angry when I would ask him about it.
We were engaged for about two years, and one time I thought I was pregnant. He told me he didn't know what I could do, that I would probably have to go on welfare because he couldn't afford to have a child.
Thankfully I was not pregnant. Some time later, after acting like a jerk, he distanced himself. When my grandfather died, I was at home one night crying alone, and asked him to come over to comfort me. He told me "Amber, people die everyday. I am busy with my friends."
One night, I thought he was trying to reconcile, he took me to a love movie, went out to dinner and came back to my house for snuggling. I was happy and thought we were getting back on track.
The next day I saw a listing for a Pearl Jam concert, and called him to tell him I was going to order tickets for us. I couldn't reach him all day, and it was his off day. Later in the evening I got a hold of him. He was quiet and didn't say too much. I asked him point blank if this 'was it'. He said yes, it's over. No reason given, nothing really said except it's over. He never told me why. Didn't see him or speak to him for over four years after that. (Well, a year ago he called to apolgize for being such a childish jerk and wanted to meet with me, of course I told him no. It had been over four years, but I guess the guilt was weighing on him...he wasn't happy)
The thing is, after my heartbreak, I did date. Soon after he did this to me. I dated a lot. That's a bad thing to do. Bad things happened. I was lonely, and needed a replacement. Time is the best medicine for pain.
What I am trying to say is, when you have wants and needs in a relationship that the other person is not willing to give to you, it is very unfair. It may not work out. You want more, you want marriage, a future. You love this man and have had good times with him. The more you pressure him, the more it could push him away. You will need to decide if your ultimate goal with him is marriage, and if he can't give that to you, you may need to leave. Let me tell you, if you have a child with him or you keep on this relationship, it could get worse down the road.
And dating right afterwords is a bad idea. Take it from me, I have dated the wrong guys for a long time. I always wanted to get married, and tried to find someone who wanted the same. And when I did find that someone, and set the date, paid for most of the wedding, it was cancelled a month before. It will hurt like hell.
It will pain you, and it will confuse you. But think of what is right, what you want too.
Don't let this become bitter. Sit him down and be honest with him. Honesty is the most important thing. Nagging will only make things work.
You know deep in your heart what you want.
Just hold off on the dating, because it may seem like it will help heal your heartbreak, but it can really lead to more devestating heart break down the road.
i was with my ex for three years too. we had wonderful times together. we had the best relationship i have ever had. i am 27 now, and feel like i'll never get married or have a family.
it does hurt. i know.
we both have different religions, and he insisted before we were married that we would work it out. but about two weeks ago, he changed his mind and moved out.
we had a great relationship and a great friendship. so this is tearing my heart out. having to call my family and friends and tell them the august 28th wedding is cancelled. i am boxed up in my house all day crying and missing him.
i went to a picnic the other day with my family, and embarressed myself by breaking down in tears when someone asked me when i was getting married. i had to literally run away humiliated in front of about fifty people. how terrible i felt.
but honey, it will take time to get over. it will happen. your heart will heal.
i do not realize now that if i had married this man, that we could have a terrible debate constantly about our religions. he also had other issues, (no, not cheating) but porn issues i wasn't very pleased with because he lied about it constantly, which led me to distrust him. ecspecially when i would find very disturbing sex stories, so distubing i won't even go into.
do this if you have to. you know if you have to.
and the pain will be there, and i know you're scared of it. it's hard to deal with, but you can. you need to spend time with family and friends. get out and do things. i lost my job two weeks before he left, so that really gives me added stress on top of my lonliness. and sometimes i wonder if i could find someone else. but i am scared to do that. i dont want to spend anymore time with someone who doesnt want what i do or who will lead me on for three years and ditch our wedding. there is nothing wrong with dating, but don't fall hard for just one guy. date a few, don't do it with them, just date them. play the field without 'playing the field'. but don't commit yourself to anyone after you let him go.
you will need time to heal and move on. and you will. i promise. it will be hard, but this board is here to vent your feelings and get support. so do that. vent.