I have no patience, frustrated
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:34pm |
I posted a few times, but in case anyone doesn't remember my situation, my BF and I broke up about a month ago because he is unsure about a lot of things in his life right now. One of them being he is unsure on wether he wants kids someday or not. He broke up with me because we had been discussing this issue a lot lately and both of us were starting to worry a lot about this. He said he felt like I deserved answers and for some reason he couldn't give them to me yet and he felt like he was wasting my time. He told me that he didn't know what else to do right now, but that he didn't really want to lose me and he loved me a lot. He said he just felt like this was the only thing he could do. He said he needed to get his life in order and he felt like he owed that to himself and to me. He asked me to take a break, but I told him that I didn't like the term "break" and that if he was going to do that we might as well break up. So we did. The thing is, it really is sorta more of a break than a break-up, because I still see him weekly and talk to him 1 or 2 times a week. He has expressed to me that he hopes things work out with us and still tells me how much he loves me and kisses me everytime I see him. However, when I see him its a little awkward. He rings the doorbell now when before he would just come in, he asks me if he can use things as my place. Its just wierd. I asked him why and he said he wants to respect me and not upset me or overstep his bounds. I understand that, but its still wierd.
We don't make any future plans with eachother more than a day or two out and I don't really know when he is going to call or see me next. And we aren't physical beyond, kissing and cuddling, though we both really wanted to when he was over last time. He said that we shouldn't do that because it would be too hard for me and I'm already emotional (at least he respects me). So, its just wierd. I asked him to come to a party I'm having this weekend and he told me he isn't sure if he is comming. He said he is worried people will ask him questions.
This whole thing is so frustrating because I feel like we should just be together, yet he doesn't want to yet. He feels like its too soon and hasn't had time to talk to a counselor yet. Which he said he would do. He was gone for a week in Canada right after the breakup, and the next week was the 4th of July so he has only really had a little over a week to find a counselor. He said he checked at work as to what is available but hasn't made an appointment yet. I am so impatient! I always have been a very impatient person.
Almost everytime he is over, I've told him that I just want to go back to the way it was. I want him to be able to figure his life out WITH me, not WITHOUT me. I know that he isn't going to have answers about "kids" for a while and so I feel like he should be able to be with me until he figures out for sure what he wants. But, he still doesn't want to get back together yet. I'm so frustrated.
I feel so happy when I'm with him and when I see and talk to him each week, yet I feel so empty when he leaves and when we don't make plans together for the next weekend or week like we used to. He hasn't spent the night at my house since we broke up and I just feel so alone and sad. Its like we are still together, but not.
My mom and sister keep telling me that I should keep my options open and maybe date other people while I wait for him to figure things out, and then when he tells me he is ready to get back together, go back to him. But I just don't think I can. I feel like its cheating, even though we are broken up. I don't think I could be with anyone else. My heart is only with this man and the problem is, I still think there is hope and a chance we will work it out.
I don't know if I'm being dillusional or what, but I'm hanging onto every shread of hope right now. He really is a great guy. I know that you all are probably thinking that he is a jerk, but he really isn't. He really is a great guy and our realtionship was wonderful except for the fact that he was undecided on kids. We are both still very much in love, but this was a major problem.The break up was sorta mutual, I just wasn't ready for it to happen yet, even though I had been thinking about it. I honestly do believe that he isn't trying to hurt me and I do think that he loves me and wants to work it out. Thats why I just feel like I can't walk away from it. But, this waiting thing is killing me.
I have no idea how long I'm going to have to wait for him to decide if its going to work or if its over for good. I asked him to tell me how long he needs before he feels like we can be together while he tries to work his issues out, and he just tells me he doesn't know and that he feels bad that he doesn't know. I told him that, in that case, it could be forever and he said that he wouldn't do that to me. That he loves me and won't make me wait forever. Yet, he still can't tell me how long.
I'm so frustrated and impatient. I just want us to be together while he figures this stuff out. I want my boyfriend back. I want all the fun times we had back and all the physical stuff too. I miss him so much, and all the things of our relationship. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to do no contact, because I think that it will doom us completely and that we will have no chance of working it out. I feel like if I still try to see him once a week and try to be patient and suppportive that it would somehow be better and we will still have a chance. I'm so tired of the up and down rollercoster of my emotions with all of this. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I need strength to be patient, because this is so hard. I'm in Limbo and it really sucks.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and stop being in limbo. In other words, move on (and stop talking to him) but make it perfectly clear to him that IF and when he decides that he DOES want children, then he should contact you.
I honestly do not believe that will "doom" your chances of things working out...I think they are the same whether you are in contact or not. Actually, no, I take that back...I think the chances are better if you tell him that you're moving on...because then he has the additional impetus of knowing that you might meet someone else who wants kids, so he'd better get his act together sooner rather than later. But regardless of that, if you start to move on now, it will help you be in a better spot if he ends up deciding he doesn't want kids.
Sheri
Nothing, absolutely nothing is more painful than limbo. What's happening to you sounds extremely painful, but I can understand why you want to hang on. I can understand that you would think that staying with him in this odd and painful arrangement and being patient might convince him into wanting things to go back to being how they were.
However ... I really think you should try a couple of different things if you can. First of all, try not seeing him for a month. You can still talk on the phone and email but just not see each other. You could tell him that the way things are is very painful for you and you would like to try spending a little time away from him. He will probably agree to this. I know it seems like a really hard thing to do, but try it. You have nothing to lose. If you can get just a little more distance from him you might begin to see the situation differently.
The alternative would be to suggest a total break for a month or two, where you don't talk to each other at all. I don't think you're going to like that very much, but you know what? If you're going to get back together eventually 2-3 months is insignificant. If you're not, then you'll have a good head start on healing ...
I totally understand wanting to cut through all the pain and feel better again. I put off breaking up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to feel that pain. And I have to tell you that breakup pain, even though it hurts a lot, does end. You know that too ... but the pain of being in a limbo relationship is endless ...
So I remembered the other thing I wanted to say to you last night and that is that maybe you want to give yourself a limit, as in I will only put up with this until the end of the summer or something like that. That way you can get used to the idea of a breakup yet you're still giving him a little time to come to his senses. Then if he hasn't done anything and if nothing has changed by August 30, then you'll know you tried. Seriously imagine yourself in the situation you're in now in three, six or nine months from now ... How does that feel?
It may be that painful though it may be, a breakup and no contact is the most loving thing you can do for yourself now.