I honestly don't know how to reconcile t

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Registered: 10-14-2001
I honestly don't know how to reconcile t
9
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:10pm

I honestly don't think I'll reconcile someone I lost 5 years ago.

I am grieving, like never before, a bf I had between the ages of 31-34. I feel sadder than ever that I didn't "bite" and didn't commit more fully to him. I am looking back and feeling it was much more special than I appreciated at the time. I am just sick about it. I see, back then, I was trying to be so "high minded" when we split...when I should have expressed my feelings about it. I fear that because I was trying to be "spiritual" about it, I was actually covering up real feelings down below. I fear that I communicated that I didn't care..when I really did.

This man loved me. We were REAL friends...not like the internet older men who call on me...we had the real thing. We were of similar age and backgrounds and connected on an emotional level. He wanted to marry me, commit...but I, stupidly, held back. Finally, after leaving abroad for work, he dumped me for a young Spanish girl...only to have that relationship end. Then he presented me with a ring...I was so hurt by then, felt like "second best" I could not do it.

If I had married him, my mother could have been at the wedding! I had a FAMILY with him! He told me once "You ARE family to us"...I would just die to hear those words again. I can't believe all I had and now I am grieving more than before...could feelings be bottled up this long? I don't know.

I guess I know why I am having these feelings now. I saw him last fall...only for him to abandon me once again. We made plans, as friends, to go skiing. Then, after I had purchased all my clothes he sent one email and just said "change of heart" and that was that. I emailed him back several times, telling him over and over that I wanted to ski with HIM and he mattered to me (his complaint was that I just wanted someone to ski with an he wasn't important) and he could not even reply once. I don't know what else I could do but reassure him that wasn't the case. Then I had dreams of our relaionship all summer...which made me happy at first because I was sure I'd hear from him once he felt better about himself. But as the months went by, nothing. Then I was in deep pain, waking up in the middle of the night wondering what happened, why I chose what I chose, what could have been. I realize he will not call. We will not even be friends. I so wanted to know him again!!! Just last fall he asked if I wanted to go to lunch, on a motorcycle ride or to a concert. Just last fall!

My dreams made me remember all the details of our relationship. They made me realize what it was to be in love again. I had forgotten. And because I know we won't even be friends, I am so sad. I feel I'll never reconcile this.

Thanks for listening.

Soliel
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:48pm

I'm sorry you're going through a case of the "what ifs"--that's very painful!

I may be confusing you with another poster and if so I apologize, but if I'm remembering correctly, you practice (or have practiced) Buddhism and meditation, is that correct? It seems to me that would be a help to you in getting to acceptance of what is rather than what might have been. I know those are concepts I've struggled with myself (e.g. living in the moment and letting go of what might have been) but it just occured to me that your practice might help you in this regard.

I also think that if you think something will or won't happen, then that thought will influence the outcome (kind of the principle of the Secret or the law of attraction). So if you don't believe you'll reconcile this eventually, then that will be the reality.

Sheri

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:42pm

I have a question for you:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:58pm

I'll try not to bore you with details...but I have to clarify the situation.

It was about 5 years ago he said he wanted to be with the Spanish girl (then changed him mind afterwards) and about 2 years ago, he was about to be engaged with another European girl (but that blew up as the parents put a kabash on it).

So, you see, when I got together with him last fall, we had only gotten together because my mom died...not to "get together" again. After all, HE just came from being engaged. I don't believe I was "high horse" then..as for years he was casual with me. I was only responding in kind. It totally shocked me that he seemed hurt.

I didn't call not because I was afraid of being weak...but because I had really thought he would respond to my email. After waiting a bit, I was terrified to call. After all, he ended our ski trip with a quick email that left me shaking and upset.

I know it's hard to explain these things in a quick post. But, believe me, in the last few months I really did open my heart to him (not being casual), told him how much I loved him and felt we had something special and how I really was so thrilled to know him again. I have heard nothing back. I did my best reaching out to him in the last 8 months or so.

K

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:06pm

Hi there.

Yes, that is right. I do wholeheartedly believe in those things. By the way, I apologize for talking about them so much prior...irritating to those who are not into it.

I do believe in those things and really do believe peace can be found in all circumstances if you have a good practice and are strong at training the mind. I have had some success with that but lately with all the pressures I am under, I have succumbed. I don't feel so strong right now.

My spiritual stuff has kept me afloat, that is for sure. And at moments, I do feel peace about things. But I am wondering if all that stuff covered up my grief when it first ended. I sometimes wonder if it actually hindered healing by not going deep.

I hate to say it, I really hate this age of 40. Everything comes to a head right now. All the serious issues are coming to a head. Of course, I lost my mom last year and that exacerbates everything.

Thanks for listening.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:44pm

As far as being positive about him and I being friends again...I was until the months wore on and I haven't heard from him. It's been 9 months now? My faith has wavered for sure.

My door is open. I think he knows it. I have no idea what is going on in his head.

Oh, gosh, impossible to explain such a thing on this board. All I can say is one time he really loved me and we had the real deal. And, as much as I write and tell him how I feel, he hasn't written back. I think the signs are saying he won't. However, I am open if he does...but I don't want to be waiting.

Life is too much right now.

Oh, I have studied the principals of the LOA. I know one thing about that law. You can't will someone in particular to love you or do what you want. You can imagine the "essence" of what you want in a relationship but do NOT define the HOW. Because everyone has their own desires, including my ex. If I get to experience love like that again, I will consider myself very lucky.

K

Soliel
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:50pm

Oh, no need to apologize, I just remembered that was something you were interested in, not that you overdid talking about it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. That combined with turning 40 and having the loss of this love come up for you again has to be tough. Hopefully this will turn out to be yet another challenge to be gotten through and mastered (in the whole scheme of things) and you'll come out on the other side just fine.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:22pm

Yes....turning 40, losing your mom, and having dreams of what it was like to have love like that in your life...yes, it's all thrown me for a loop.

Plus, all the pressure of career, where I am going in life, etc. is leaving me unsettled.

I can't help but review my life and wonder what I should have done better...in everything. I see what I could have done better in relationships. It hurts right now to think of these things because I've waited precious time and feelings and probably hurt a couple of people with my unskillful actions.

Also, even though I have friends here and there and a social life, I feel lonely. I probably should get a therapist but that runs up against my financial stress. I think only with a therapist can I just unload all the tears.

Oh! Speaking of the LOA...I was reading a book on it this morning while getting tea....and I DID feel good, if for a bit. I do believe it's excellent for "creating your life". Once I get thru this rough time, I hope to be able to have energy to concentrate on these principals.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 10:00pm

First off, I can see that my words have somehow stricken a particular note with you, that's not my intention.

I understand you've written emails to him over the past several months, but are you sure that the reason he's not responding isn't because that email address isn't active anymore? Plus, I don't know about you, but me, I'd want those sentiments told to my face, preferably, or second best over the phone if face-to-face isn't possible, or, as last resort written out in longhand fashion, snail mail if you will. To me, those kinds of thoughts and feelings, just don't belong on email, it takes away most of their power as email is a very casual, very informal method of communication.

Last thing: If as you say you understand the law of attraction, then you'll remember that this trying time for you won't go away on its own and waiting for that to happen *before* you concentrate on focusing your energy will probably lengthen its stay in your life.

Just food for thought. I do wish you the best.

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Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 1:20pm

Hi Sandra

Yes, I understand completely what you are saying about using email for important words.

Here is how I am 99 % sure he got it:

When we were planning our ski trip, we emailed mostly. When he cancelled on me, he emailed. I wrote him back IMMEDIATELY from that email...the very same day. He stopped writing back at the point. So, since we used it a lot up until that moment and he responded to me up until that moment, I am pretty darn sure he got it. He just didn't want to write me back.

Later, a few months later, I gave him a call...he did not call back. He has a cell phone that leaves one's number. I don't have any address for him, so that is out of the question. If I did, I would have surely written a note to him that way instead of email..but email was all I had. He shouldn't complain, he ended with me for the Spanish girl via email.

So you see, I did try. I couldn't have written a snail mail note as I don't have his parent's address.

I think you are being a bit hard on m about the Law of Attraction stuff. I am really doing my best. One of the adages of that law is if you are feeling really bad your goal should only be to move up a little bit at a time. When YOu are feeling real grief, really high thoughts/feelings are not available to you yet. You climb up the "ladder" slowly.

Still, I do make an effort everyday to feel good. I am taking dance, I take long hikes in the early mornings with my dog, I hiked with a friend today, I've been "going out" getting dolled up, I created a succulent cactus garden, making a list of places I want to visit, making goal lists, fixing up and organizing my home, creating social parties for my friends, doing yoga, meditating, reading my spiritual stuff...I am doing whatever I can to feel good.

This sounds goofy but this morning me and a friend got up early to walk. As we were on the beach, I said "let's sing"...and we sang some common traditional songs. Singing is pretty healing and good for the spirit. I highly recommend it.

As for being positive about me and my ex... I guess I should not totally close the door. It's been 9 months. I think the best thing for me to do is send thoughts of forgiveness. Just writing that is healing for some reason.

Soliel