I hurt him and I can't stand it
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I hurt him and I can't stand it
| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:03am |
My boyfriend and I have been together for two and half years. I would say in the last year things have been heading towards a break up. We got into a stupid fight on Saturday and didn't talk to one another until Sunday night. We both did a lot of thinking in that time being and realize that I have too high of expections for him. He will never be the man I want him to be. He is so crushed and I think that he is really beating himself up. I don't think this is a reflexation on him but on us. We don't work together and really that isn't his fault but he is taking all the blame. I just want to run back into his arms because I can't stand the fact that I hurt him. We just spoke on the phone so sometime this week I am hoping we will get together to talk things out but I am afraid the minute I see him I am going to melt. I know that for myself I need to get out of this relationship but I love him and don't want him to hurt. What do I do?

You can't take away his hurt. Just treat him with respect and allow him to say what he needs to say. If he asks for an explanation, do the right thing and give it to him. But as far as taking away the guilt or hurt or whatever you are feeling, that's part of the pain of breaking up- it goes with the territory no matter how you cut it. He's feeling super rejected and if you've ever been through that, you must know how awful it is for him. Do the things for him right now that you wished someone would have done for you. Or, if you've never been through the torment of rejection, pretend for a minute that you have and imagine how you would want to be let down. You wrote something about having "too high of expectations" of him. If YOU think they're too high, then why do you have them? That's not making a whole lot of sense to me. I'm sorry that both of you are going through this but you cannot fake feelings and if this is truly what you want, then he has no choice but to accept it and move on. Just treat him well. I can give you the don'ts based on what has been done to me:
1. Don't breakup suddenly without any hint that things are not working.
2. Don't tell him it's him or that you had "too high expectations" which clearly implies that he is lacking something.
3. Don't make it permanent unless you really really mean it- in other words, don't breakup and then realize 2 months later you want him back. If there's even the slightest chance it might work, sit down with him and ask instead for a "break" and limit contact for a while. Basically, just be really sure you don't want it before you make it permanent.
4. Don't say things like, "someday somebody will come along for you." UGGGGHHH!!!! totally patronizing and hurtful.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for you response. I think my expections are resonable they just put pressure on him. I want certain things out of life and out of him. I think this is where we both get so frustrated. Thank you as well for the break up advice. I am not sure if I want this to be permanent. He is coming over tonight so we can talk things out.
Thank you to the other respondee as well.