I just CAN'T do this!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
I just CAN'T do this!!!!
3
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:03pm
Its been six weeks since I've seen my ex and five weeks since the break up. I have really tried to get better and in so many ways I have. But I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop trying to figure out in my head what happened and why. The scenarios I come up with kill me. And everyone tells me they know he cared deeply for me...yadda, yadda, yadda...RIGHT!! Someone who cares deeply doesn't walk away without a word!! They don't send you an email telling you they may be getting re-deployed and need you to think long and hard about the situation, all the while, giving the email a blow off feel to it. And they don't ignore your response to said email!! I hear about people who were verbally or even physically abused and THAT I could walk away from. No question. If he had been mean...if he had really done something, or if I had done something...then I could accept it better. But when things were good--not perfect, but nowhere near a break up point--and you really thought someone was falling in love with you...how do you just "let go"?? I can't. Time they say...it takes time. Well I'm tired of waiting. I NEED this out of my system. The torture is too much to bear. Acting like I'm strong and ok all the time is getting on my nerves. Constantly blinking back tears at work--where I can't even get any work done--is causing me anxiety (after all..can't let someone see me crying at work!!! egads, the shame!) Getting anxious as the weekends approach because I know I will be alone for two days crying all the time is too much. I went on a date yesterday because someone said I needed to get back in the saddle. My heart wasn't in it and although I had a nice time, there was no connection there. No attraction. Not for me anyway....he's smitten though. He kept telling me how stupid my ex was for letting me go. How wonderful I am, how I offer everything a man could want and need--all the crap EVERY man in my life has always said--before they walk out the door. Although I do agree that I'm fabulous, and it is nice to hear, its also not so nice to hear because it just holds no credibility for me anymore coming from a man. In fact, the whole time I was on the date, I was thinking about HIM. I cried all the way home and that was a 40 minute drive! Sobbed for another half hour once I got there. I cry all the time when I'm alone and I just want to stop. I want to stop caring for someone who clearly doesn't want me. Someone who has made it clear he doesn't care...maybe never even did...I'm not living in fantasy...I know he isn't coming back. Oddly enough, as much as I pray for him to do so, I also pray just as much for him not to. But the pain is still there because unlike him, I can't turn off my feelings. 'It will get better' I'm told. And yeah, I do know that it will, but WHEN? I know there is no answer for that question but I can't keep wishing I'll lapse into a coma every night and stay asleep for months! How do I survive the time it takes until this IS better? No one can tell me that. No one can tell me how to make this easier. How to stop crying!! God, I hate the crying!!! I hate that I'm forever falling apart when I've probably been obliterated from his memory by now! I NEED this to be over for me!! I really, really can't keep living like this!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:14pm

Sniglet1, you gotta ask yourself, why this guy has so much power over you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:17pm

i know it really feels and hurts like hell because i am exactly in the same place you are, and just finished another 'trip' to the ladies' room to cry....so no one would see me...i know what it feels like to be living your life in a fog, forget what you are working on, carry on conversations with friends and co-workers and actually not hear a word they've said to you, but.....i have to believe that, even tho' it truly feels like your heart is breaking and you can't eat....it will just take time. this message board has helped me tremendously just within the past 2 weeks. the people who post here are genuinely compassionate and offer some great advise, so stick around....doesn't it help you feel a little better to know you're not alone and many people are and have been going much of the same heartache? i'm so sorry you're hurting, but i promise it will get better. it's okay to cry...even that sometimes makes you feel better.

Welshgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:17pm
Gosh....sorry guys! I totally ranted there didn't I? WOW!!! Well, I melt down about once a day and I guess that was it for today! Thanks for listening. And although that is how I feel a lot of the time, I do know I don't need him. And a huge part of me doesn't even want him. But God, I hate being ignored! He had nothing to say to my response to this and who likes being dumped?! Sigh...I'm feeling much better right now and know that I will get through this. Just wish time moved faster sometimes. I've made a lot of progress in just 5 weeks so I should be proud of the small things and not so hard on myself for the bigger things out of my control. Its the crying that actually scares me because I hate being alone most of the time and thats when the tears come. Crying makes me feel extra out of control and extra lonely. Eek! Bad combination. Anyway....thanks for the links and words letting me know I'm not alone!