i just cant keep going like this
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i just cant keep going like this
| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:49pm |
well iam here iam back again...i just posted a message yesterday. Iam finding this not talking to him thing absolutley killing me...its the hardest thing i have ever gone through.
I talked to him last night...on MSN. I asked why he said he would call and why he said he wanted to get together......and then turn around and not contact me. he said he was sorry, and that he didnt mean to "leave me in the dark" but he has been having family issues..and just didnt want to talk to me when he has been depressed...but in the same breath telling me how he has been going out to the bars a lot latley, going out with friends, planning his bday party, etc. He says that he definetly still wants to see me and he will give me a call soon
It just kills me so bad, he is all i think about...and he just doesnt care..i wish i could get mad and turn these feelings to hate but i just cant, he goes and lives his life..and i sit here and cry...and wait..and hope that he calls.
I felt better after i talked to him....but then now iam sad again..its almost like i get some sort of high from talking to him..and then i come down..and just want more. does that make anysense....i want him to be as unhappy as iam....makes me feel so worthless..like iam not worth it...ugh..i dont know, iam just venting now...i have said this all yesterday.....
I talked to him last night...on MSN. I asked why he said he would call and why he said he wanted to get together......and then turn around and not contact me. he said he was sorry, and that he didnt mean to "leave me in the dark" but he has been having family issues..and just didnt want to talk to me when he has been depressed...but in the same breath telling me how he has been going out to the bars a lot latley, going out with friends, planning his bday party, etc. He says that he definetly still wants to see me and he will give me a call soon
It just kills me so bad, he is all i think about...and he just doesnt care..i wish i could get mad and turn these feelings to hate but i just cant, he goes and lives his life..and i sit here and cry...and wait..and hope that he calls.
I felt better after i talked to him....but then now iam sad again..its almost like i get some sort of high from talking to him..and then i come down..and just want more. does that make anysense....i want him to be as unhappy as iam....makes me feel so worthless..like iam not worth it...ugh..i dont know, iam just venting now...i have said this all yesterday.....

You miss him and it hurts like hell, but it's necessary for self-preservation.
Unless this guy is attempting to do right by you, talking to him right now will only leave you wanting more.
You can cut ties now and work at healing from this hurt, or you can continue to hurt yourself by reaching out to someone, who is obviously contradicting himself.
I hope I don't sound harsh. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I also know that if I continued to talk to my ex-, I would be a wreck.
No Contact is not an instant healer, but it sure as hell beats confusion, in the midst of mourning lost love.
You will survive this.
-Izuri
I know exactly what you mean about getting the "high" after you talk to him and how it makes you feel better for awhile anyway. But then you come crashing down from that high. I have had that exact thing happen to me. I've even gotten a small high if I should see the ex driving on the road - I guess it's because you know where he's at and what he's doing for a small moment. I think it's because the not knowing what they're doing or thinking is the hardest part. So for a small moment, you have that information and are content, but it doesn't last long.
Let him go. I know your heart is telling you differently, but you need to listen to your brain. Trust yourself. I just posted about leaving a relationship after six years. Like you, I broke up with my him five months into the relationship to put a scare in him. To test if he really truly loved me and would work to have me back. He sorta tried and I guess I loved him enough to overlook that. Fast forward six years: I just left him for the exact same reasons I broke up with him five months into our relationship. I'm serious :) And now I have six years to sort through instead of five months.
I know the pain is excruciating. Oh goodness, I know...but you can choose to hold on to something because the pain is too much or you can understand that letting go of someone is painful. You will be OK. You really will be OK. Honestly, I have been telling myself exactly that: I will get through this. I will grow.
Become your own friend. Take good care of yourself. And know that you are actually saving yourself from more pain in the long run. My support is with you.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same spot as you right now. You're not alone. I guess that's the feeling that really gets me down these days...that alone feeling. The feeling like a part of you has been cut out and you don't know what to do. But you're not alone....please try to remember that. I know it's hard....God, do I know. But like everyone says, it'll get better. Guess there must be a reason why there is no "fast forward" button on life, eh?
Hugs,
Karen