I just can't let go of him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
I just can't let go of him
5
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:28pm

I apologize in advance if this is long but I really need advice from people who understand what I'm going through, because I feel like a total wreck right now.

My ex and I are from the same hometown, although he had been living elsewhere when we met. I moved out there shortly after and we began living together, so our relationship moved pretty quickly. Not to mention I got pregnant 6 months in!

Things were so great in the beginning, he was so sweet and kind and caring and affectionate...but I think living together, reality hit. He was in a real relationship and he hasn't been in many of those! He is the playboy type, likes his space and his women (keep in mind this man is 31, not 18!) and after the first few months he started distancing himself from me. It got the worst when I became pregnant. He told me he saw no future for us and broke it off. So I went back to my hometown to clear my head and be with friends and family, and a few weeks later he called to say he wanted to try and work it out.

I wanted that too, so we moved into a bigger place and again things were great for the first little while. Then he went back to his old ways, going out with his friends, not wanting to spend time with me, etc. I suspected he might be cheating and I found proof to back up this suspicion (texts between him and his girl "friends"). I talked to one girl and she confirmed it, and another "friend" of mine came forward and told me she knew he had cheated with one of her friends but hadn't wanted to tell me because she thought it would cause too much stress on me while I was pregnant.

Well instead of coming clean and trying to work it out with me, he denied it all and got mad that I'd snooped and broke it off with me again. This time I moved back home for good and have been living here since we broke up 6 months ago (our baby is 4 months now). He decided to move back here to be around our son, and he did so just last week (he told me the day before). It has been so unbelievably hard for me to get over this man...I obviously meant nothing to him but he meant everything to me.

The things he has done (cheating) and said about me (that I got pregnant on purpose - not true!) are horrible and yet I still cannot get over him. Although it was easier to cope when I didn't have to see him all the time. Now that he is back, I do have to see him all the time and I feel like I've gone right back to square one. I just miss the way things were SO much and I want so much more than what my life is right now, I want a life together with him and our baby. But he doesn't want that and I can't make him want that...I just don't know what to do anymore, or why I can't get over someone who hurt me so badly.

And I don't even want to think about what will happen if he gets a new girlfriend! If I ever see him out with a girl anywhere I will just lose it!!! I wish I could make him see what he's missing and realize his mistakes but it doesn't seem like he ever will, and I don't know where to go from here :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:07pm

You know what, I have a 3 year old daughter with a man I used to love for 6 years. The last year we were together, he left me when I was 6 months pregnant too. But u know what, I had my baby girl and that's all that matters. Yes, its hard. Its going to be forever because that baby is both of yours. You cannot deny the child their father, however u can let the child decide for themself later in life as they grow older whether or not they would still want to be around him. The child may blame you later if you deny the child this. Now that that's said, on with you.

I woke up one day and realized that I just don't care about this guy anymore. I didn't care where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing. It took me awhile and lots of pain and tears, but I got through it. As a woman, we are stronger than we think. If you focus on your baby, your life and all the people who do care about you then you won't have time to think about him and what he's doing. Frankly, get mad. Get mad that he doesn' t care about you... that's enough reason to not care about him. And you know how the saying goes, there's no wrath like the wrath of a scorned woman. It's a healing tactic, and it seems that's what needs to be done. Forget about him. He's not worth you. He doesn't deserve you or the child at the moment. Make him prove his worth as a father first. I did not let my ex see my daughter for the first two years until he came around and literally begged. That was enough for me to see that he wanted to be in her life. He must also care enough "about the woman" who carried this child to "care" about the child. He may not and you may not feel the need to do anything for each other, but he backed out on you and said all those awful things to and about you. YOU have to heal. YOU have to focus on your child. That's the most important thing. And before you know it, your little one will if not already take up all your time and thoughts. And that little man of yours is the only one you should be caring about.

Good luck! I hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:43pm
Congratulations on your new baby! That is truly a blessing. MOre than ever, you need to focus on that. I have to ask the question... what exactly do you miss? He distanced himself, he left you when you were pregnant, he cheated on you and then had the audacity to say that you "got pregnant on purpose." It seems like the majority of your relationship... has been spent with him running around on you behind your back and then saying awful things about you. Look at it this way... He is 31 years old and is not capable of commiting to anyone or anything. That is a red flag right there. There is nothing you can do or say to change him or his ways. You can't make him see his mistakes or realize what he is missing. He has every opportunity to get you back, but he doesn't take it. You want to have a life with him and your baby. He obviously doesn't want that. You can't change that. My advice is to start moving on. Decide on custody and minimize your interaction with him. Don't put yourself in a position to see him by visiting his regular hangouts or bars. Separate yourself from the thing that is causing you pain. Why is it that we tend to gravitate towards the things that cause us the most pain? It's like crack to a crack addict. It hurts us so much, but we can't give it up. You want so badly to change him, but you can't. I gaurantee he will always be this way.. even when he is 50. You said, "It has been so unbelievably hard for me to get over this man...I obviously meant nothing to him but he meant everything to me." You know that you don't mean anything to him. So how are you going to change that exactly? Again, you can't. Start beginning your move-on process for your sake and your baby's sake. You deserve so much better of a man than what he is, because honestly... he is not a man at all. He is a coward and a playboy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:51pm
thank you...that does make a lot of sense...I guess I miss the way he was, when things were good, even though that didn't last long! I hate the thought of him being like that to someone else, I hate the thought of him with someone else, period. And when he started acting like an ass, I mean what if he was that way just to ME? What if the way he was in the beginning is how he is all the time to a new girl? With us, it was like reality (bills to pay, a baby, etc.) Just makes it hurt that much more...and this guy is friends with all his exes (more than friends apparently, since one of them is one of the girls he cheated on me with), after telling me that every girl he's ever dated has cheated on him, yet with me, the one person who truly cared about him, he cheats and even now acts like he can't stand to be around me. And now with him living here, I can't get that distance I need, it was hard enough with him living away and now I'm going to have to see him all the time...


Edited 4/10/2007 11:53 pm ET by hm06
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 11:50am

Hi HM,

I hope this helps.

"And when he started acting like an ass, I mean what if he was that way just to ME? What if the way he was in the beginning is how he is all the time to a new girl? With us, it was like reality (bills to pay, a baby, etc.) Just makes it hurt that much more".

I sat with this exact same thought for about two months after I found out my ex had rebounded with someone new two weeks after we broke up. We were together 3 1/2 years, lived together for 2. All I can say is there is no way. There is no way he suddenly becomes this grown up man who doesn't mind responsibility. The minute any relationship turns "real", and by that I mean the woman turns real in their minds (real needs, real expectations) then these types of guys are out the door and on to the next surface relationship. When that woman turns real the pattern repeats itself. It's hard to realize this because we constantly think, "but they were so awesome in the beginning. so perfect for me. maybe I did something to change how they felt about me". You have to constantly remember that was only this guy at the beginning, but real effort must be put in throughout the entire course of the relationship to make it work.

Also, I think this statement is pretty telling of what kind of person he is...."yet with me, the one person who truly cared about him, he cheats and even now acts like he can't stand to be around me". In his mind he equates you with growing up, commitment, responsibility. All the things he knows he is not capable of or man enough to be. He has to show you hatred, otherwise he would have to face his flaws. It's a solid facade, but seriously, is anyone really buying it? It's frustrating to deal with someone like this, but the more you educate yourself about his issues I think the better you will understand that your relationship problems were completely his. Not yours. You know what a real relationship takes now, and you know he is not right for you because he doesn't. Keep trying to move forward and have as much limited contact with him as humanely possible. It will get easier for you. I promise.

Good luck to you,
Car

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:41pm
First off, I want to tell you that I totally feel for you. Reading your story almost made me cry because I'm going through something similar, and I couldn't imagine if we added a baby to the mix. But as much as you probably don't want to hear that if a man cannot appreciate you & can go back and forth like that, he isn't even worth you being with. Maybe the moving so fast has scared the hell out of him, and that's understandable but he should be honest about it and not send you on these emotional rollercoasters. It is so true that a person can only treat us in a manner we allow them to. Rejection is a hard thing to get over, believe me I know. But you are the same person that he fell all in love with and wanted to share a home with. I doubt that you have changed, so the problem is not you or that something is wrong with you. The problem is him, and until he can really be a good father/significant other, my advice to you would be to try to accept that for now you two might not end up happily ever after and put that focus on your baby instead. As soon as he sees you getting on with your life, and sees that your life is not all about him, then maybe he will straighten up. Good luck!