I just don't understand!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
I just don't understand!
22
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 11:51am
My boyfriend broke up with me Monday night. This was after 11 months of a lot of great times, with the underlying awareness that I was more into it than he was. We discussed this fact several times. It never made me feel good to know I was falling for someone who wasn't falling for me, but when we were together it felt so good, and he was so many good things to me. For the past 11 months he was so supportive of everything I went through, and was there for me so much. I rarely have boyfriends because I would always say "I would rather be alone than be with someone I am just half into." I never thought I could end up with someone who was just half into me. I am incapable of staying with someone and showing them the care he showed me if I am not totally into them, so I still can't understand how he could do that. We discussed breaking up a few times throughout the 11 months, but both of us always wanted to continue because we liked eachother SO much. Long story short, he ended it this week. While I know it isn't everything I needed or deserved, what I can't get over is how great things were, even that night...before he brought things up. He had been away over the weekend and a little less than his usual communicative self, which hurt me greatly-forcing me to look at what wasn't quite right. When he returned and wanted to hang out, I wanted to as well...and we had such a great time and I could tell he missed me and was happy to see me...there was still passion...there was passion when we cried and held eachother in my bed that night breaking up...he cried, I cried, we kissed, and cuddled and cried. I just can't stop thinking about all the good times that were happening up to the very end...and the week before. I can't stop feeling like he could change his mind, but I don't really think he will. I can't stop wanting to call him or email him, but I won't, even though he told me to if I wanted to. It hurts so bad and I don't know when that will stop. I don't even know if I have a question, but I needed to vent.

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anonymous user
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:45pm
i know you would probably rather hear advice about what you can do to make things better or to feel better and i can't give that to you, but i want you to know i'm in almost the exact same situation and your not alone. i was with my boyfriend for 10 months and we broke up on monday too, and i think the break up was similar to yours in the way that we cried together and talked about everything and comforted each other, which was nice, but it also makes it harder to leave i think. even though i know it was the best thing for me and for us because our relationship was far from perfect, i'm heartbroken and wish not really that we could get back together, but that our relationship could be as good as the amount i love him if that makes any sense. i just know how scared and alone you must feel because i feel the same way and you should know that you're NOT alone and someone is going through a very similar and hard thing. good luck with everything and keep me posted! <3
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Registered: 06-22-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 4:39pm
Hey there, thank you for responding. It does feel a bit better to know someone else is going through something similar. I do feel like I want advice on how to get through this, but I have read a lot of it online, and while some of it helps, mostly I think it just takes time. I still can't deal with life right. I am at work right now, so it is extra fun trying to deal without crying when that is all I want to do. Everything I do or see reminds me of him in this city (NYC) and in my room, but I don't really have the funds or energy to change the decor. But every street I walk on or subway I take I find more memories. This is so hard. What sucks is that I rarely fall this hard for anyone. Not that I want to go through this ever again, but my point is that between my last love and this love, it was 5 freakin' years! I don't wanna have to wait that long to find this feeling again...but I want to find this feeling with someone who has it for me. Why does it seem like some people have it so easy while others so hard?
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anonymous user
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 5:53pm

i completely know what you mean about everything reminding you of him. it's so hard and seems so rediculous that literally EVERYTHING seems to carry part of the past in it. i honestly believe that as each day passes and a new past with new memories for you is created, those memories with him will fade from your mind and you'll be reminded of something new. but for the time being, i think the best thing to do is every time something reminds you of him take a minute to really think about that memory, smile because you know that it was a fun and special time in your life, and then move on to something else. if you take the time to recognize that memory completely, the next time the same thing reminds you of him, you won't think about it as much. i hope that makes sense.

and you WILL fall in love again! obviously it's not going to be right away because you need some time right now to figure out who you are again without your ex boyfriend, but once you rediscover who "independent you" is, you will know what you want and what you need in your next relationship and you will be with someone who fills those wants and needs and who recipricates your love. and now you have this experience in your belt so you won't settle with someone who doesn't give you all the love you deserve. you deserve the best, and you will get the best. just have faith that time will get you there! and i am always here if you want to vent,

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Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 6:39pm

I'm not sure why you would expect to deal with life "right" less than one week after your breakup.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 9:08pm

Well, thank you both for your insight into my venting, it is unbelievably helpful! What did we do before the internet? I mean, I have great friends, but being able to read about and message with people who have recently gone through this is invaluable.

I know that I shouldn't be normal yet, I realize it hasn't even been a full week. It is just so hard, because you can only stay in your apartment weeping in your bed for so many days. I did that basically Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I had to go to one of my jobs, not too stressful, but still got me out of bed. It was nice out so I went to Central Park and allowed myself to cry a little in there. I found a part of the city he and I never were together and felt relieved that at least the scenery wasn't reminding me of walking hand in hand down that block together. I spent a bit of time reading through some breakup/crisis type books in Barnes and Noble and made it home rather late. But I HAD to be at work today (and tomorrow), and I definitely escaped a few times to my back room to let it out. That was where I spent my break, since my appetite isn't normal and I could only eat half my sandwich, then I cried and closed my eyes for a bit. I guess you have to just keep doing this, going through your life trying not to cry...and letting it out when you can.

He says that he is always up for talking with me, but it can't be like it used to. I don't think he will suddenly wake up one day and realize he loves me back. That is the only way I could be with him again.

Do you think there is any chance it will take me another 5 years to find something like this with someone else? That is how long it took from my last love. I know none of you know this answer, but I ain't 23 any more, I am about to turn 29 in a month(the day after he and I would have celebrated our 1 year together :(). I am not really in a rush to be married, but I want to find someone who loves me as I love them. Why is that so damn hard?!?! I don't want to have to go through this again, it is like being physically ill and having no clue how long it might take to run it's course.

It is in my nature to overanalyze constantly, and I know this is a bit premature, but I keep wondering if the something I did wrong in this was love him or need him as I did. There were times throughout our relationship when I would hold back since I knew he wasn't where I was. Anytime I demonstrated my feelings about this and about his not being where I was, he never made me feel awful for having been honest or for having those feelings...his just didn't match up. Is needing or loving someone too much a mistake people make in relationships? The thing is, I don't get in relationships very often, which means I spend a lot of time on my own, enjoying my independence and not "needing" someone. So when I find someone that I feel very strongly for, I can't help but give it my all. I am in it for real. I am there overlooking things that normally might turn me off, because I love that person. In my first real relationship, that love was returned. In this relationship it wasn't (well, only on the surface of things it was). I don't know if I should feel that I made a mistake in loving like that. It is the only way I know how. If I don't feel that strongly for someone, I have long since parted ways. So when I get with someone and our feelings aren't the same, my love/need will obviously put pressure on them and ultimately push them away. I don't think I should change though, I just need to be with someone who feels like I do, right?

okay, you all will be sorry you ever said to vent!

but thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 12:33pm

....."Do you think there is any chance it will take me another 5 years to find something like this with someone else? That is how long it took from my last love. I know none of you know this answer, but I ain't 23 any more, I am about to turn 29 in a month"..... Girl, you get no sympathy from me on the age being a factor.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:01pm
I feel like a crazy woman. Now I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't try to convince him that I can try not to need him so much and back off. I tried that here and there during our time together and put up with a lot of things I wasn't 100% happy about in that regard. I kept hoping his need would increase, maybe not exactly to where I was at, but start to come closer. Is it absolutely insane to start wondering if things would have worked if I didn't want him so much? If I could be with him and fill my world with things that I allowed to make as happy as he does would things work? It isn't that I was without other things in my life, trust me. I have amazing friends, I love where I live, I love being in NYC pursuing my dreams, my family is wonderful. Why shouldn't I really be happy to have someone too?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:50pm

I think you're missing my point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 5:19pm
I guess I am just not thinking clearly just yet. I am still so out of it...no appetite...thinking I can think things through, but not quite getting it straight yet. Maybe I never will. Well, thank you again...your advice means so much to me right now. My apologies for thinking so strangely right now.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:28am

I feel like I know what you're going through because I also broke up with my boyfriend at 11 months and I also live in NYC, so I know what it's like to walk around the city and have associations to every little thing. My ex lives in the East Village, so I won't be going there ever anytime soon. The last time I saw him we were standing on the corner of 28th Street and 6th Avenue. I walked back there today and just stood on that corner for a while ... and of course I cried. We went to so many places and saw so many things that the city will never be the same again. On our second date we walked through Central Park and sat on a big rock overlooking a lake.

The hard thing about breaking up near the one year mark is that you go through all the pain of the breakup at the same exact time that you were starting things and everything was new. I constantly find myself thinking, "This time last year we were doing this or that ... "

My relationship also sounds similar to yours in that I loved/wanted/needed him more than he loved/wanted/needed me. This was true from the beginning and I tried to rationalize it. Sometimes I tried to convince myself that it's rare that two people feel exactly the way about each other. I was falling in love with him early on, but he just wasn't there. He didn't have that longing for me, that "gotta have you, can't wait to see you" feeling that's so important for jumpstarting a relationship. I never felt like he was really excited to see me at the beginning, at least not visibly. I kept hoping this would change, but it never did. He loved me and cared about me, but it never felt enough to me because he wasn't demonstrative; he wasn't emotional. He was often distant and in his own head. This really hurt me. Now that I've gotten some distance from him I realize how really bad it was.

Many times I wondered what you're wondering: if I could somehow love him less maybe it could work. But that doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with needing and wanting someone, that's part of love. Just because you need someone doesn't mean you're needy. You feel needy when you need someone but they don't need you back in the same way ... That's when you start to get needy, because you're just not getting enough. It's good that you can love completely and give yourself to someone. You can bring that to your next relationship, with someone who will reciprocate hopefully.

I don't think it will take you another five years to find someone! You're young, you're smart, you're pretty, you're in New York. There are thousands of single guys under 35 in New York who could fall head over heels for you ... and maybe you'll feel the same way about a few of them -- more than one maybe. But now isn't the time to be thinking of other guys. You're hurting, and you miss your ex. You're just getting used to the idea that you're not part of a couple anymore.

Sandra really gave you a wonderful map and guide to the first six weeks of a breakup. Believe her. She speaks the truth. I remember when she first came on the board. She was very distraught and telling her story over and over and over again. This is how we deal with it in the first two or three weeks. It's healing. It helps you to write about it and get it all out. And as you do that, and cry and cry some more and think about it some more, you do begin to feel better.

We're here for you. You're not alone. Read and post. Read and post. When you have really sad moments and you need extra support, e-mail me. Maybe we can meet up somewhere and have a coffee, or lemonade or beer ... just not in the East Village!

Hugs to you.

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