I just don't understand!
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I just don't understand!
| Sat, 06-10-2006 - 11:51am |
My boyfriend broke up with me Monday night. This was after 11 months of a lot of great times, with the underlying awareness that I was more into it than he was. We discussed this fact several times. It never made me feel good to know I was falling for someone who wasn't falling for me, but when we were together it felt so good, and he was so many good things to me. For the past 11 months he was so supportive of everything I went through, and was there for me so much. I rarely have boyfriends because I would always say "I would rather be alone than be with someone I am just half into." I never thought I could end up with someone who was just half into me. I am incapable of staying with someone and showing them the care he showed me if I am not totally into them, so I still can't understand how he could do that. We discussed breaking up a few times throughout the 11 months, but both of us always wanted to continue because we liked eachother SO much. Long story short, he ended it this week. While I know it isn't everything I needed or deserved, what I can't get over is how great things were, even that night...before he brought things up. He had been away over the weekend and a little less than his usual communicative self, which hurt me greatly-forcing me to look at what wasn't quite right. When he returned and wanted to hang out, I wanted to as well...and we had such a great time and I could tell he missed me and was happy to see me...there was still passion...there was passion when we cried and held eachother in my bed that night breaking up...he cried, I cried, we kissed, and cuddled and cried. I just can't stop thinking about all the good times that were happening up to the very end...and the week before. I can't stop feeling like he could change his mind, but I don't really think he will. I can't stop wanting to call him or email him, but I won't, even though he told me to if I wanted to. It hurts so bad and I don't know when that will stop. I don't even know if I have a question, but I needed to vent.

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wow...sounds like we do have very similar situations. Yes, it is TOTALLY harder to think about one year ago and how wonderful things were when we first started...but guess what? There are WONDERFUL memories for me to think about that JUST happened! That is the worst part...we never had AWFUL times. Just every once in a while the realization that I was in deeper than him...which was awful...but just after we would realize that and discuss it and continue, we would have so much WONDERFUL together. That is what I can't seem to let go of, one on one and day to day 99% of his actions seemed to prove that he WAS there with me even though he wasn't totally. You wouldn't have known it from most all of his behavior, even that night we broke up when we went out. If I hadn't pressed him about his lack of communication over the weekend, he wouldn't have said anything and we might still be trying. I know everyone says you shouldn't call. I feel like I need to know without a doubt that he is moving on. I imagine his not calling is a clear indication of that, but when he started this conversation that night he said "I was thinking that maybe we should think about taking a break..." he used the word "break", and I can't get that out of my head. I try to move on with myself, but there is always these wonderful memories and how nothing TRAGIC happened between us and how great things were even that night and the week before and I can't help but wonder if we shouldn't just talk right now. I don't want to beg him to come back. I don't want him back unless he thinks his feelings could grow to match the affection he showed on a regular basis. I don't want him to feel bad for me, I just want to know if he feels like this was the best possible decision and he isn't even thinking about continuing to try. Even though I probably already know the answer, I don't think it is the worst thing in the world to find out for sure so that these thoughts I have of "maybe we can work it out" can stop. They don't do me any good. He told me to call him if I wanted to talk.
I go through different feelings every day and for some reason right now I feel like I need to know for sure that what was wonderful between us isn't enough for him to continue. I just can't understand how anyone could spend 11 pretty wonderful months with me and NOT grow to love me.
thank you for your post, it could be great to get together sometime soon...
You're right, putting all that in front of you so soon afterwards is waaaay too much to think about at one time, while you're just trying to get through a day at a time.
So I am a little scared because I didn't cry yesterday. Today makes one week that we haven't been together. I felt terrible yesterday with that all over body ache, but I didn't cry. Today I started to feel like a normal human being. This frightens me. Of course I am happy that I don't feel awful every second, but isn't it too soon? When is it going to come up and bite me in the ass? Of course I am still depressed when a thought crosses my mind about us, but are my days of being nearly handicapped over? Will they return when I least expect it? I know I am far from done healing, but I feel like I should still be retarted. I am, of course, but in different ways. I am even starting to think about other people and hoping I will know when I will be okay again to pursue things with them, even though I am FAR FAR FAR from being ready for that. That scares me, because of course I still really would be happier sticking with the one I KNOW I am so into-since it is so rare to find that, but if I should be moving on, aren't these thoughts okay? This leads me to my issue...
I am stuck on this "should I call him?" thing. I was pretty clear that it could only help me, to HEAR him say that he is moving on and that it isn't a "break"...but now I am not sure. I mean, I think I already know his answer. When talking to a friend, I found I wasn't sure why I feel I have to do this NOW as opposed to in a few weeks. I feel like I am already, if ever-so-slightly starting not to cling so hard to all of the happiness we had between us and what, in my heart, makes me want things back. I already am starting to let go of it in ways that are obviously necessary, but it scares me. Obviously I will never lose the wonderful that came from being with him, but while it is still fresh to me...and to him (at whatever level of importance) I feel like we should talk. Perhaps that is precisely why we shouldn't, but I think that is my urgency right now. Like, I know that in 3 or 4 weeks I will be in a new world in regards to all of this, and so will he...and I think that there just is no chance we will think about getting back together at that point, but right now it might still be in our heads. I know that if we are fine with being apart in a few weeks, that means we are fine being apart...but I can't help but want to know where he is with it all right now.
I think he was getting scared that one year was about to hit. This freaks people out. His last relationship was similar to ours, except he was in my shoes...the one WAY more into things. He and she broke up and got back together several times because they both really did care for eachother, but it didn't work out. In the process he said it was just awful for him. He said he isn't sure if he learned something from that or if it just really messed him up. So I don't know if he just wasn't really looking for the kind of connection I wanted right now but couldn't help but have a wonderful time with me in the meantime...or if he wants that connection but just didn't feel he had it with me and no longer felt it was possible. True, perhaps he doesn't know these answers yet, but I don't want us to lose our shot...if we have one. How long before you lose your chance with someone? After 4 weeks? After 3 months? I want to know to MOVE ON. Is it possible for me to move on without speaking to him and then...if somehow we communicated and he had discovered he wanted to try again, would I be able to?
It's strange because I spoke with a friend last night who is having big relationship troubles too...but his involve major infidelities and all sorts of crap that you just don't even want to think about. Compared to his situation I just feel so silly being so upset and hurt that he didn't call me last weekend, or wanted to go away every weekend in the summer (to Long Island) where he is from, or wondering why he didn't feel lost if I didn't call him like I would feel if he didn't call me like he usually did. It makes me feel like I created some silly drama which must mean "I am more into this than he is" and projected it onto both of us and eventually it got to him too. It just seems so hard to accept that it is over, with all of the good that was there to the last moment. Aren't we worth trying for?
AH! So many thoughts...and they change daily...
any advice is great. THANK YOU THANK YOU.
My ex is also from Long Island originally ... If two people decide they really want to be with each other, it doesn't matter how long they spend apart. It could be a week, a month or a year ... Something good and true doesn't disappear that quickly. But this unequal feelings issue really sounds like a big thing to overcome. I think you would always be bothered by it. My ex also had a relationship in which he wanted the other person more ... so anyway, I know what you're going through.
I just finished my sixth day of no contact today. Some days I have felt almost normal, but then I'll be reminded of one thing or another and start crying again. That's normal. I've also had the ache all over feeling, just feeling like the walking wounded. That's normal too.
Today it hit me while I was waiting for the train that I would never have him, never marry him, that I wouldn't be with him, even with all our problems everything ... there's a part of me that still really wishes we could have worked something out. I think it's common to idealize a relationship after it ends. Loss is a mighty powerful painful feeling. But those feelings do pass in time.
Look, if you really feel like you want to call him, then call him. You don't know what it's going to be like until you do it. I emailed my ex the day after I left him and we spoke and emailed and saw each other a few times, with a therapist, for four and a half weeks after I left him. It helped me to realize that he just wasn't right for me and that things just weren't going to work out. So maybe you need to do that for yourself, just to see what it feels like.
I wouldn't necessarily think though that if you don't act now that in four weeks he'll be lost to you forever. Because what you said is that in four weeks you probably won't want him, right? So just sit with that for a while. If you think you'll be over him in four weeks, then what makes you think that this is a good relationship for you to pursue now? I think you're just being trapped by your own sense of sadness about the situation. You loved him more than he loved you and that probably isn't going to change. Can you really be happy in that situation?
I sound like I'm rambling and not being very organized in my thoughts, but I just wanted to reach out to you in case you're still up at this ridiculously late hour.
I am often up at this late hour...it is my time of the day!
Thank you for your thoughts. I don't necessariy think I will be over him in 4 weeks, but I think I just need some more official closure. Perhaps I will wait it out a little more since I am now feeling a little hesitant about it. Oye. I just am stunned that this could be it.
Yup. I know that feeling too. Stunned. It's over. He's gone. Endings are always difficult especially when we get used to being with someone and seeing them every weekend. It would be weird if there wasn't some pain involved, don't you think?
But at this point stunned feels better than dejected and miserable which is how I felt this time last week. My ex used the word surreal, which is how he felt when I left him. I can relate to that too, even though I had the benefit of being the iniator. (The only thing worse than being left is being in a relationship where you love the other person more, I think. Somehow I think that makes us even, but I don't think he would see it that way.)
I am still counting the days. I just wish I could hurry up and get over him already, but I know that's not possible. Oye indeed ... Did your guy actually end it with you or was it the other way around? Or was it mutual?
Overall, I feel exactly the same pain you are. How can you or I get over it? I have no idea. I just know that it's very painful and it seemed like she was a different person when she broke up with me. I have a few classes left for my degree and she was afraid that I wouldn't take care of her. Of course I would. I love her so much and I'm going to finish my degree. Anyway, I guess I'm venting too, but I hope this message let you know that you're not alone in your pain.
I REALLY want to call him tonight. I am doing everything I can NOT to, but DAMN I want to. Someone reminded me that if he is feeling what I am feeling...or if he is going to at all, he would not hesitate to call me. There would be no reason for him not to. He knows how I feel. There is really no reason for me to call him. I have to take his not communicating with me to mean he isn't thinking about continuing this.
I really want to call him.
damn
damn
damn
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