I just don't understand!
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I just don't understand!
| Sat, 06-10-2006 - 11:51am |
My boyfriend broke up with me Monday night. This was after 11 months of a lot of great times, with the underlying awareness that I was more into it than he was. We discussed this fact several times. It never made me feel good to know I was falling for someone who wasn't falling for me, but when we were together it felt so good, and he was so many good things to me. For the past 11 months he was so supportive of everything I went through, and was there for me so much. I rarely have boyfriends because I would always say "I would rather be alone than be with someone I am just half into." I never thought I could end up with someone who was just half into me. I am incapable of staying with someone and showing them the care he showed me if I am not totally into them, so I still can't understand how he could do that. We discussed breaking up a few times throughout the 11 months, but both of us always wanted to continue because we liked eachother SO much. Long story short, he ended it this week. While I know it isn't everything I needed or deserved, what I can't get over is how great things were, even that night...before he brought things up. He had been away over the weekend and a little less than his usual communicative self, which hurt me greatly-forcing me to look at what wasn't quite right. When he returned and wanted to hang out, I wanted to as well...and we had such a great time and I could tell he missed me and was happy to see me...there was still passion...there was passion when we cried and held eachother in my bed that night breaking up...he cried, I cried, we kissed, and cuddled and cried. I just can't stop thinking about all the good times that were happening up to the very end...and the week before. I can't stop feeling like he could change his mind, but I don't really think he will. I can't stop wanting to call him or email him, but I won't, even though he told me to if I wanted to. It hurts so bad and I don't know when that will stop. I don't even know if I have a question, but I needed to vent.

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I'm battling some of my own phone demons tonight!
Well, I still haven't called. I still want to though. This whole healing process is so strange. I am already starting to feel a lot more normal than I think I should feel right now. I mean, it has just been 9 days. I am not totally fine, but I can just feel myself starting to be like I was before him. I don't know how that can happen so soon. Maybe it is because being alone is something I am entirely used to (in terms of love relationships). I get involved in them so rarely, due to a lack of feelings on my side or theirs, that being alone and independent and happy is something I am familiar with. So coming back to this isn't like returning to a foreign land that I am lost in. But I spent 11 months with someone I felt love for, someone who made me happy when nothing else was going right. Shouldn't it be taking a little longer to feel close to fine? I mean, sure I am not at my best right now, but what should I be feeling?
Of course I am still a bit obsessive, reading these and other message boards...trying to figure out if he might contact me, having reconsidered (we haven't spoken in 6 days)..thinking that there is always a slight chance that he was just scared of the kind of commitment and love I was offering, and realize we should be together. So I know I haven't totally let go, but I feel like I am starting to, and feel like it is too soon to.
How do you know when you are okay to start another relationship? It isn't in my nature to just get serious with anyone, but how do you know it is okay to?
By-the-way, thank you to everyone who gives advice on here. I find myself unable to contribute like that right now. I just feel so absorbed with what's in my head, and wanted to thank all of you...especially Sandra...who are here because they still need some help with their situations, yet they can find it inside themselves to help people like me as well. THANK YOU!
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