I just don't understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
I just don't understand
7
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:57am

OK so i am new to this thing but i have been hurt recently and i just moved to California and don't have too many friends i can ask for advice....and to all that can give me advice, it will be much appreciated.

So, I met somebody at my sisters wedding and fell in love almost automatically, but he lives in Wyoming and I am in California....we had a good LDR for 2 months and i even visited him and had the best time ever! He told me he loved me and we were going to get married and the distance would never ruin us. But than about a week ago he started acting weird. He started saying i didn't love him because i wouldn't move there with him (he is in the AirForce so he is stuck) and blamed me for cheating on him (which i would never do to him). Well anyway, Sunday, i talked to him in the morning and everything was fine, but then i talked to him at night and we ended up breaking up...and it didn't even seem like he cared, i cried and he said its the best thing to do because he needs a GF that is there and if i won't move then we can't be together, otherwise we would have the perfect relationship, then as i was crying he took another PHONE CALL!! so i hung up and he never called me back, i texted him a couple hours later, still nothing, i did the mistake of calling him yesterday and leaving a message, his text response was "I got your message" 2 am in the morning after probably being out all night.....and i still haven't heard from him after that...

Needless to say i am confused on the way he could say all the things he said to me and then completely turn around and forget about me...i just don't understand...why won't he call me back?

I am so hurt by this and i actually considered moving...it just feels i have nothing to look forward to, we were planning a vacation in July (we both took off the days), and i just looked forward to talking to him everyday and planning weekends we could spend together and now nothing, just kinda let loose and forgotten about....it would make me feel better if i knew he was moping around and crying like i am but when i talk to my sister i hear him in the background (she works with him) laughing with his friends!!?? I just don't understand...if someone could please give me some insight/advice on how to let go please do...thank you

Hurt and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:18am

I know it hurts, but it sounds to me like he wants to move on and is trying to make you out to the be the bad guy. If so, what a wimp. At the very least, he's trying to manipulate you to move there and do what he wants by issuing you this ultimatum. You say you've only known him two months? That is definitely not enough time to get to know someone well enough to uproot your entire life for him. If you did move there, what are the odds it will work out? Now, I know you've got your "love goggles" on so you aren't thinking clearly but try taking them off and looking at it more realistically. If it doesn't work out, you'd be stuck there with him, no friends, no family, nothing. Logistically, it would be a nightmare. And even on the off chance it did work out, he still would be your entire world. I am only going by what you've written here, but I have to wonder if he isn't trying to control you a little... Either that or, as I said in my first sentence, he's trying to get out of the relationship the easy way.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:55am
LDRs are tough. I was in one and it didn't work out because my ex wanted someone to be there when he got off work and someone to be there when he leaves for work. I told him the only way I move to be with him was if he gave me some security (marriage). Needless to say, we broke up and he found someone who he can be with everyday. Good for him. I say this because LDRs work if both parties are equally involved and dedicated. You fell for him hard, he didn't feel the same(yeah...they say it, but they don't always mean it). He knew it was a LDR when you guys started and now all of a sudden its too much for him. I say its good you know now,before you have invested more. Some women on this very board have done so much more and lost so much more than just the hope of having a wonderful life with this guy. Think back before the last two months about what you were doing, hopefully, life was fine then. Then move on. The way he is acting, is not worth you obsessing over. Let karma deal with him, because whatever he does will come back to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:12am

I agree with mrodd- you will thank the higher powers that be that this ended sooner vs. later b/c I've been in 2 LDRs that were 2 yrs in length and it hurts so much more now vs. if it had been nipped at 2 months.

Not saying what you're feeling right now is not real.

I've read things about how a guy will end a relationship, or make you do it/the dirty work and it sounds like that's what happened in your case. Him not calling you back, ignoring your text, the accusation that you are cheating, etc.... I just went thru that with my ex. It's like their easy way out instead of being a man and just saying look, I want out for x,y,z REAL reasons.

Remind yourself you don't need or deserve a guy in your life that can be that cold to you. Try not to get caught up in the bliss feelings he gave you b/c it appears he's also capable of being a jerk.

Just my 2 cents, I just know kinda what you're feeling/your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:39pm

You guys are so great...i don't even know you and you gave me the best advice anyone could...i am still going up and down throughout the day, right now I am doing ok thinking its his loss and i am better off, but then i go back to thinking about him and if i was closer it would have been great...but i think i need to get over him, but i would still like to talk to him and keep in touch, i just guess he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe someday.

I want to thank you all for the advice...you all have made me feel a lot better and actually think about things i wouldn't have. Thank you and i hope one day i can give the same advice, well i mean i don't hope that this happens to anyone, because as you all know it sucks, but if so, i will be there. Thank you and if anyone has more i will probably still need it on one of my down moments. But thank you all again and i hope everyone is having a great night.

Tanya

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:33am

You will have up days and down days, that's just part of it. The key is to get through the down days by telling yourself that tomorrow it will be easier. Try to note what times of day you're especially thinking of him and feeling weak and remind yourself that all you have to do is get past that time and you'll be fine again. Make a list of things you can do during that time rather than call him or e-mail him or whatever. Instead, call a friend, go for a walk, go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, whatever.

As for staying in touch, I think we all want that. We have this urge to know what happens next in their lives, to know the rest of their story. (And probably to have comfort in knowing that life is pooping on them!) But the truth is that there's no benefit in keeping in touch. His part in the story of YOUR life is over. As far as you're concerned, he disappeared just like an actor in a movie disappears off the screen when he's no longer become useful to the story. You really don't want to watch his movie anymore, now that you've disappeared off his screen. Believe me, I'm struggling with this too because my guy was a good friend of mine before we became involved and I thought we'd always be friends. I just think in this case it's better to cut the ties. If we know what's going on with them, if we REALLY see them dating other people and going on without us, it's just going to hurt. Better to focus on our own life and happiness and if somehow we do end up crossing paths again (which you probably won't since this was a LDR) by then we won't even care anymore. The only way you can truly be "just friends" is if you are truly over them, without even a smidgen of hope that you'll get back together.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 6:21pm

hi tanya

actually some of the people work from the government (airforce, marine, navy, army)..are married type person. they like to be serious in any relationship! i'm assuming coz they dont have time to be looking around so if they found someone they want to be commited right away.

i mean if you love this guy even you guys dating for short time. why dont you talk to him seriously tell him that your not cheating and explain your side...if he loves you he need to trust you. about him laughing with his friends....everybody could pretend their happy right esp if he knows your on the phone with your sister right...HE PROBABLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD FOR YOU TO HEAR HIM MORE...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:44pm
Well, he already broke it off...and he hasn't called or responded to my texts since....it's so weird. I really thought he loved me considering his words and actions, it's like a light switch of love turned off in his heart. I don't know...my sister asked why he hasn't called or responded and his response was a smile and an "i don't know"...not the person i thought he was. Guess i wasn't meant to be with him. I am thinking the reason he doesn't call is his way of forgetting...he did the same thing to his twin sister...too many bad childhood memories i guess and the best way to forget was to lose contact...i don't know...i am slowly getting over it but i still miss hearing is voice and i love you and his quirky ways. Thank you for the advice everyone...i truly appreciate it. It's like free expert advice:)