I love him, but don't want his drug use

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I love him, but don't want his drug use
5
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:38pm

My boyfriend and I celebrated our one year anniversary on Friday. It's been a fulfilling year and I believed we loved each other and made each other happy. On Saturday, I woke up and he was gone. He called 3 hours later and said he was on his way. He didn't show up till almost 4 hours later. When he got back he said he had been out smoking crack. I told him to stay out with the rest of the crackheads and made his sleep outside. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became and I went ahead and threw his stuff out of the house yesterday. I have not seen him since.

He told me that he used to smoke crack years ago and that he was thru with drugs. I believed him and have seen no signs of drug usage. But I wouldn't see the signs if he's an undercover crackhead like I suspect he is. I am in love with him, and it breaks my heart that we are no longer a couple. Yet I feel I did the right thing (he could have told me the truth that he was out doing crack). Not tell me that's he's on his way home and still never show up. We based our relationship on truth and honesty and I fell all that is shattered. Please give me some advice ...did I do the right thing, should I try to help him with his addiction (he was married before and his ex wife said she tried to help him with this). I feel he's already been in this position before and I don't want to babysit anyone just to keep them away from drugs. He got so arrogant when I confronted him about it that I told him that I hated him and never wanted to see him. Truth is I am in love with him and this hurts. Please give me some guidance on this and help me be strong. Thanks for listening. Tamara

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:36pm
I am so sorry to hear that this is what you are going through. I think you did the best thing in breaking it off. A few months ago, my sister was with someone who we knew had trouble with drugs in the past. Even though we knew he had done then before, we didnt know it was anything serious or any type of addiction. She and my nephew had just gotten an apartment with him and about a week later he went out to "visit his mom" and that night he never came home. She called him the next morning when she got to work (they worked together and he didnt show up) and it ends up that he had gone out with some buddy of his that she had never met and they smoked(?) crack. The following night he still seemed pretty messed up but supposedly hadnt done anything for about 48 hours. That evening when she came home from work (he didnt go to work that day because his job does random drug testing. Well to make a long story short when she got home that evening he was dead. Sorry for the huge explanation....but I just want you to realize the kind of thing that can happen and maybe it really is the best for you to not be in this relationship at all. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 8:04pm
YES, you did the right thing. I know it hurts, but you will end up in a much better place without a drug user. Let him get help (if he wants to); he needs to do it on his own, for himself. I think you know in your heart you did the right thing, as painful as this may be now, it will probably be more painful, say, a year from now, if you continue with the relationship. The honesty and trust is now gone and that is really hard to get back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:28pm
I understand some of what you are going through. I am recently divorced, because my ex-husband thought that alcohol and drug use was more important than his family or work. He started lying to me, at every turn. I left him once, hoping that would make him see what was more important in his life. He slowed down on the alcohol, and quit doing drugs. So I gave him a second chance. Needless to say, he lied again. So I left, I am now giving my self a second chance at happiness. Which isn't going to be easy, because I was married to this man for 23yrs. I'm not saying, you should do what I have done. You can't help him kick the habit unless he really wants to stop. Give yourself a second chance to find happiness. It's out there, just waiting for you to grab it. Remember you are worth it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:20pm
Tamara, You sound like a young lady who knows what she wants and also what she doesn't want. Good for you. You've only been in this relationship for a year and I've gotta' hand it to you, the first time this guy of yours snuck out and tried this and lied to you, you called him on it. I wish I would've done that way back when when I first realized that my husband was a "closet drinker". Instead, I stayed and dealt and am still dealing for 23 yrs. now. What you did was showed him that you meant business and that drugs will not be a part of your life. You showed how strong you are and you let out the message loud and clear that you won't be lied to. Trust is as important as love is, and it should be a sacred bond. People today go around "pushing each others buttons" just to see what they can get away with. What you've done is set limits and boundaries to what you'll put up with. Stick to it. You're right, you don't want a life full of false hopes and babysitting the man you love. What happens is your self worth takes a dive, your self esteem, depression sets in and doesn't leave even when medicated. You numb yourself from the pain and to tolerate without being constantly angry. Now, I'm ready to recover myself. It got alot worse as the drinking got worse. My husband had cancer a few yrs. back, and hepatitis C. He has liver problems and has tried the protocols for Hep C to no avail. All in all 6 yrs. of sickness and chemo regiments and just when he was off all the medicines and I thought he'd be grateful to be alive; he changed, completely. He was never an obnoxious drunk, I never even saw him drunk but once in all these years. It was the manner in which he drank. I thought he only lied about that. People don't lie once and not about just one thing. I came to find out pretty much everything was a lie. I came to find out he hated me because I was the only person in his life who knew the truth and confronted him and that made me his immortal enemy. He did things and said things that were so very mean. He humiliated me in public, this new person he became. Over the past 2.5 yrs. we've been separated 4 times. He keeps coming back with the promise of getting straight and making things right and doing whatever he needs to do. I drew up a contract, he didn't sign. Actually he just attended his first AA meeting tonite, ironically and is going to his first counsellor meeting Sat. I'm not getting my hopes up anymore. What will be, will be. Yes, I love my husband but I regret the lost time. I regret never being a priority in his life. Everyone else came first, work being #1 and his job requires an awful lot of attendance at alot of different functions, constantly. I attended the functions where a significant other needed to show up. He's spent alot of time avoiding me so I wouldn't smell the alcohol. You don't necessarily need to smell it; you know by the avoidance and that became a full time job. For you, if this guy cares at all about you, moreso than getting high, he'll straighten up and beg you to forgive him. You did the right thing in my book. You can't count on someone like that and when you tolerate it you're just lying to yourself and settling for less. It winds up in Court with legal matters and affects everything in your life. I've got 3 great daughters who I pray aren't tarnished in some way from the dysfunctional life it turned into. They're older and even though they never knew what was transpiring, you can't kid a kid. They know when something's not right, they know when Mom's sad, no matter how much you try to hide it. You deserve much better. Be proud that you stood up for what you believed in and if I were you, I wouldn't feel guilty one iota about any of it. He brought it on himself, and like I always said, there's two things in life that I absolutely hate and that's a liar and a sneak. Let him fend for himself and see what comes of it. Keep your head up high, you done good, girl. I wish you happiness! Keep positive thoughts and you'll be fine. I know it's hard to hear. It's hard for me to say. I wish I'd had your backbone when it mattered. The stress in one's life after so long becomes unmanageable and you wind up sick and weakened and at an all time low. No one deserves that in their life for loving another person. They say it's addiction, it's a disease, and I hear that; but to me; it's a choice each and every time. I'm a bit of a rebel and I'll go down fighting, but I'd much rather had not had to. It's exhausting! Best of luck, honey.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:07am

You've received some incredibly amazing input from the board members and I really hope you take their words to heart.

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