I love him but I have to leave him..help
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:32am |
He is my first real boyfriend(the only one I had sex with) and we have a great time,a great sex,great friendship and deep love.The problem is 1)the difference in cultural and educational level,2)my family and friends who snob him and think he is not good enough for me.We are together for 2 years and he wants our relationship to be serious and marry me in 3-4 years.
I love him but as time goes by I am afraid that I can't ignore some things that at first didn't pay lot of attention at but now are more apparent such as the difference in our education and the fact that he will never have a good job.I am a student and going to be a lawyer,speak 4languages etc. while he has only finished high school and works as a salesman in a local store with no perspectives. In addition my parents always told me that he is not good for me ( and were worried what our snob rich and educated relatives will say)doing everything they could to make me break up with him -that's why the last 18months they think I don't see him and I lie to them all the time...
Now the thing is that I feel real love for this man ,I have met his family -who are adorable and respectful people- and want to be with him!I am afraid because I don't want to hurt him or live away from him but I realise that I can't stay with him for the sake of my future...I know I have to leave him even if I will never love again...But we can't stay forever kids and we must think of our future but he is kind of lazy and doesn't want to work hard to get somewhere.The truth is that I don't care that he is poor and my family is rich but education is something I can't ignore...If he had finished a collage and had the same educational level with me ,my parents would help him and give him money and everything but now things are different and unfortunately I can see this difference even in the way he speaks...It is so sad because I really love him very very much...I wouldn't be so stressed about this thing but he tells me that he sees his future with me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and if I don't have the same intentions that I must tell him cause he needs to know.
I know that even a high level degree won't bring happiness -that's why I don't give in to other men who are successful and are in love with me - but I want to marry sb who is going to be successful or at least have the same education with me so that I don't have to work for him and him doing the housework (that's what he says we will do if he doesn't find a good job)this is not my ideal,I want a man who can give me security .
I love him so much I don't know what to do.As time goes by I love him more but I am even more ashamed and afraid of telling to people who ask me what he is doing for a living.
Can you please tell me what to do?I can't even imagine my life without him,I don't think I will ever love another man or let him come so close to me or that we will have such a great time or that he will love me as much as he does.I can't imagine my life away from him and I don't want to hurt him or ruin the happiness I feel in his arms...I am desperate, I cry every night wondering what to do, I live in great stress and I am so afraid...
PS :I am 20 years old and he is 26
Edited 10/31/2006 12:36 pm ET by natalia115

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Sorry you are going through this.
In my opinion, you are letting your friends and family dictate your life. It's your life, take control of it. If you love this man, that is all that should matter. It's not your family that will be with him, its you and if you're happy with him and you have a good relationship with him, then don't let your family ruin a good thing.
I went through this, though not as extreme as yours. My parents are very religious and only wanted me to date men who were the same religion. My ex, who I was with for 4.5 years was not of the same religion and he comes from a very poor background. My parents did not approve, but I didn't let what they think get in my way. I knew that I had something special and that is all that mattered to me.
You are in control of your own life. If you see this man as someone you truly love and someone who you truly are happy with then that should be all that matters. Money is not the most important thing in the world.
~Amber
Natalia, this isn't going to be easy to 'hear'.
Your parents aren't the only snobs.
Thank you both for answering!
Sandradee this is the problem;he doesn't want to work hard to earn his own money.He is lazy ,he works only 3hours/day,complains all the time that he deserves a lot of money but he isn't willing to work harder for this.He doesn't go for sth better even though he has job offers from people he knows because he doesn't want to get tired!He says that he doesn't want to work more than 3-4hours/day. I suppose this is not the way to keep a family in the future.He even suggests that if we will get married he would love to stay home and do the housework while I work to bring the money home.He is not ambitious at all.
The reason why he didn't get collage education is that he was lazy to study .
If he was working hard I would understand that he tries and I would appreciate it but I just see that he complaints all the time without doing anything.
I really love him but I just say that I don't think I can put up with this when I am older...The problem is that he tells me that he would like to marry me in 4 years and if I don't that I should tell him ,so that he will stop dreaming about it in order not to get hurt emotionally.What do you think I should do?How do you see the future with your boyfriend?Have you ever discussed it?How old are you?
Natalia,
I see your point completely. My first boyfriend never finished college and worked in a nursing home. I began to be concerned about the intellectual disparity between us, and ultimately, lost attraction for him because of that. He wasn't motivated.
So I broke it off, which was very difficult. He married a nurse, who was really sweet. I liked her.
Skip forward 15 years. Now I have a graduate degree in marketing and am a working professional with a decent retirement amount and a house down-payment. I ran into him a couple years ago and asked him about his life, if he had kids etc. He told me no, they couldn't afford it. He was working as a translator and had (still) been sick a lot so his wife was supporting them.
Basically, nothing had changed. I was so glad I had not chosen that life.
You have a couple options: you can leave or you can talk to him about getting a degree. Although if he's not motivated, it probably won't get too far. There is something about a college degree that changes the way people think and because of that, I know what you are talking about in not being on the same page anymore. A college degree is not just a piece of paper. It is a ticket to a better life and it broadens the mind.
My recent ex-boyfriend was a personal trainer, and though there was a difference in our careers (I'm white collar), he had a degree and I respected his profession thoroughly.
Good luck in your decision. I think you are wise to consider this carefully. The #1 reason people break up is because of $$ and without a degree life is just much more difficult (unless of course, the person is an entrepreneur, which means they are highly motivated.)
Devuchka I am very happy and RELIEVED that you understand how I feel and tell me those things!!!!
He told me the same thing today ,that if he can't make enough money we won't have kids or we will have only one!I want at least 2 kids!
The intellectual disparity that you are talking about is indeed existent and I totally agree with you that a degree is something more than just a paper!It really changes the way you think and see the world and makes you brighter and more mature!I feel really disappointed when he can't speak right...
For example,sometimes in order to tell me that he loves me he will use very bad words concerning parts of my body in very kinky way .When I tell him that I don't like to be spoken that way- especially when serious emotions are concerned -he says that this is the way he can show his affection at that time amd that he can't help talking like that because he likes me sexually and he loves me!He even says that those things mean that our relationship is going well and that I should be happy that he speaks like that to me. He admits that I am the only girlfriend he ever had that gets annoyed by this kind of speaking and that it is a result of my education!!Comparing this behaviour with the way boys who are in love with me from collage treat me(there is quality in their emotions or at least at the way they express them) I feel really disappointed by him and I tell him so he really tries to improve himself (in fear of losing me) but after some time he starts over again...
Now,I have spoken to him about going to the university and offered to help him with all my heart at his studies ,he says that he would like to go, because this will be good for him and also for our relationship, but he says that this is impossible because he can't study!He simply finds it boring.
On the other way he is very good with me and really loves me (and I adore him too!) and we have an AMAZING time together!I could never dream of having such a great time with someone!!!!!!!!
I feel awful because I really see how scared he is at the thought of losing me and he asks me all the time if I am going to leave him for a lawyer or a doctor...It breaks my heart...
Should I leave him now?Or should I wait for something else to happen?It is possible that he will leave from town for some time(In fact the only reason why he still hasn't gone is that he doesn't want to lose me) and perhaps this could give me some time to think.So I really don't know what to do because I don't want to leave him , I love him so much and I have get used to his presence in my life!I can't imagine my life without him but a future with one or no kids,work all day and a home with a husband who stays there all day and has no interests is not my dream(He says that if he won't find a good job then he can work for me at the office or stay at home and cook and do the housework for his tired wife )...Please tell me what do you think I should do...
I'm glad you found my experience helpful. My ex that I was speaking of was also my first boyfriend, even first kiss. So the attachment there was great, similar to yours, and whatever happens, you will never forget it. It really shapes your life.
I really am not able to tell you what to do, but I have a few thoughts you might consider. I tend to date guys on a regular basis whose careers are less stable than mine, or they make less. My most recent ex, the trainer, really felt the gap between our careers and it bothered him. A lot of guys will ultimately go be with girls that make them feel superior anyway, not inferior. It depends on the guy.
It looks like your boyfriend is very proud of you, but at least he is being honest about his lack of desire to get an education. Personally I'd be more concerned with his lack of character (i.e. motivation, commitment) than anything else, b/c as I found with my last ex, the inability to commit and carry through a decision doesn't bode well for a relationship. I've had guy friends tell me that if a guy hasn't settled on a career yet, don't bet on him for a relationship -- that won't happen yet either. In any case, re: follow-through and commitment my last ex told me he never finished anything he started. Well, he didn't finish me either. In fact, he got some other girl in his bed to get him the courage to break up.
Which brings me to another thought: you can stick with this relationship as long as you can, which is what most people do, but ultimately something will come up to challenge it and then either of you might decide to break it off. (What broke us up is the "meet the parents" experience, he decided to break up with me that day on e-mail instead, with another girl in his bed at the time.)
He was still making plans for the future up to the moment I made him break up with me b/c his behavior in cancelling the trip to his parents was so bizarre. I knew things were off over the previous few weeks, but I didn't know he was so commitment-phobic that he would sabotage things so badly. I figured if he wanted to leave he just would. Anyhow, point being...I really wish I'd had the courage to leave him when I became worried about him becoming interested in other women.
But I didn't know how bad it would get if I waited for him to break up. Part of me wishes I'd broken up instead. But -- I've broken up with nearly every boyfriend I've had and I was determined to stick with it to the end. Which turned out to be VERY painful. On the other hand, I know now what he's like and didn't end up calling him back changing my mind b/c I wasn't ready to leave or didn't know what kind of guy I was leaving.
I've pondered the idea of being the sole breadwinner, in fact my last ex & I discussed it & he was willing to stay home too. It's a tough decision b/c if that happens, there goes your dream (or the one most women have) of having a CHOICE re: at least staying at home for a few months or so with kids. The advantage of it is that you control your destiny, and no man can leave you and take away your livelihood.
So those are some ideas. I wish you well and hope you let us know what happens. Any other questions, I'm here, as are others to support you.
Hugs.
Edited 11/4/2006 1:32 pm ET by devuchka
See, now I have to take almost --almost-- everthing I said about your boyfriend back.
Natalia, I am 22 (well my 22nd birthday is tomorrow!!!) and my boyfriend is 25. We have talked about it and he promised me he would do something career-wise in the next 6 months. I really hope he does but if not I have to leave him. I know how hard it is because it will TOTALLY break my heart :(
Devuchka (sp?) - I also found your experience really helpful. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 18 and like I said I will be 22 years old tomorrow so it is so difficult to think of alife w/out him but in 2 years I'll have my masters and will have a really good jon and I can't be with someone who I have to support. I want to marry someone who will be my partner not someone I'll have to take care of.
Thanks for sharing!!
And good luck Natalia. :)
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