I messed up big time
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 3:27pm |
My boyfriend and I broke up last week after a 1.5 year relationship. I had invited him to come on a trip with me and some friends, but while he was there, I smoked pot... I KNEW he hated it, and really wants me to quit... but I have no control over this drug. It's a huge issue. I know I'm an addict. I had already told him I would quit for him, but he told me to take some time before doing it... so I did. Now it's the reason he ended our relationship... the damn trip screwed me! He felt that I chose the other people and pot over him... and he's right. I wanted to get high more than I wanted him there, because he was stressing me out. But that doesn't mean I love the pot more than him... pot just has control over me. I want to stop, but it's hard. I know if I just quit he would take me back because he loves me very much...
But here's the bad... I'm a pot addict, but I'm also bi-polar. If something really bad happens, it kicks me into crazy manic mode, where I can't even control my actions. I wrote him a letter... a really really bad letter. I told him I had never loved him, and that he never loved me, and he was selfish... the really crappy thing is that I barely remember writing this! And none of it is true! I do love him very much, but my first reaction to getting dumped was one of intense anger. I was hurting so much that I tried to make myself feel better by trying to pretend I didn't love him. I wasn't even that mad at him... I understand why he did what he did... I was mad at myself for having to have someone point my problem out to me. I've known for years I needed help.
But God, I love him so much, and I want him back. We had a long talk on the phone last night, and he told me he does love me so much, and I broke his heart, and he doesn't know if he can get over the things I said. I wish I could make him realize that I didn't mean them... those few days are like black holes in my mind now... I was so manic, I can barely even remember what happened. I just don't know what to do... how can I make him realize that I love him more than pot? I already told him I'd quit...


It may be to late for he and you but its not to late for you. My x wife was bi polar. She stopped taking her medication and just went insane when she was in manic mode. Many people with this disease self medicate, it does not work from what I can see.
Please get yourself some help because things will never get better for you if you don't. You are not a bad person you are a sick person. If you really want help it is available. This is YOUR life and you need to take care of it. Your next relationship will end the same way if you don't. And who knows you may even be able to get him back if you do, but it will take awhile to regain his trust.
Good Luck to you,
jack