I Miss Him A Lot!
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I Miss Him A Lot!
| Sat, 08-07-2004 - 6:12pm |
Since my break-up, I have been dealing with it pretty well. I just keep thining everything happens for a reason and everything will work out the way it is suppossed to. But then today I became incredibly sad again. What if I never talk to him again? Or see him? Or anything like that? He has been my world for 3 years. I guess now I think maybe it really is over for good. We broke up once last year for about a month, and I remember how great it felt when he came back. Why can't I have my turn to come back like that? The thing is... he is really insecure. Many times when he drinks, he says things like "I will never make you happy", "I am not good enough for you", "You should find a guy who went to college, like you did." And although he is the furtherest thing from what I orignially thought that I wanted... I love this man more than I thought I could love anyone. No matter what... I am always happiest when I am with him.
I am sure I will talk to him some day. I am not going to be contacting him anytime soon. I just miss him so much. This will sound selfish and self-centered.. but why can't things go the way that I want them to?
I am just so sad!
I am sure I will talk to him some day. I am not going to be contacting him anytime soon. I just miss him so much. This will sound selfish and self-centered.. but why can't things go the way that I want them to?
I am just so sad!

I can say this - I was positive I'd never hear from mine again, we had a pretty ugly breakup. After 3 months, out of the blue, he contacted me. And, as you can tell from my posts elsewhere, that was not a good thing. It is hard to be in contact with him while still feeling in love/angry with him. No contact seems so depressing sometimes, but it is something I wish I'd kept up, now. Trust me, it feels better to be handling this on your own without contact than to have him in your life when you're not over him but a relationship is not an option. I have also found that it is easier to miss him and remember what you felt for him, than to be in contact with him and feel every minute that deep divide between you, how things are just not the same at all. I have also found that I have some serious selective amnesia - it was very hard to break up with him, to leave, but I was so worn down and upset with how he was behaving, I made a very difficult choice at a very low point in my life. Now, I've done a lot since the breakup, the cancer seems to be gone, I'm generally happy and reasonably well-adjusted, and it is A LOT harder to resist all the things about him that I fell in love with. Because the pain and ugliness seems so distant, now, and his charm in person is so immediate and intoxicating. It would be very easy to pretend his letting me down when I had cancer never happened, but I KNOW that's the worst possible thing I could do. It's very bad to be in contact while you're feeling this way, even though that's what you think you want the most. I just try to hum that Rolling Stones song to myself, "you can't always get what you want, but you just might find, you get what you need." Good luck.