I miss him so much ....
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| Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:02pm |
What is it about three weeks? That’s what I reached on Wednesday: three weeks of NC. Today is three weeks and three days. Since Wednesday night I have felt worse than ever. Little things set me off and make me cry. I saw some kittens in a vet’s window yesterday and they reminded me of the kitty my ex and I adopted in December. I miss her so much. Sometimes I miss her more than I miss my ex. Other things I’ve seen that remind me of him just make me cry and feel miserable.
Sheri wrote recently that sometimes it really hits you around week three or four that NC is for real, that he/she isn’t going to come running back, that it’s really over. So maybe I’m going through that 3-4 week slump. Several times over the last couple of days I have thought of calling him or writing to him to tell him to tell him how much I miss him. But even if he wanted to take me back (I’m the one who initiated the breakup) where would it leave me? I’d be with a man who doesn’t know after a year if he wants to marry me, and who may never know. And that’s just not a very good situation for me.
Nothing seems to make it easier. Reading posts here, from people who are newly hurt, does help somewhat. Knowing I’m not the only person in the world feeling these feelings helps sometimes. Yesterday I started to hurt because around 5:30 I had absolutely nothing planned for myself. That’s when I remembered that on Fridays we would always get together, and I missed being able to do that. I would take the train into the city and we would go out to dinner. Or we would drive upstate and spend the weekend at his mom’s country house. He’d cook great dinners for me. He was such a good cook. God, I miss him. I really, really miss him. I guess I’m going through the phase where I only remember the good things and the bad things are less memorable and begin to recede.
I have no energy, no desire to do anything. I’ve sat on my couch watching television for the last two days. Wednesday night was hard because I came back from my conference in New Orleans and there was no one to pick me up at the aiport. Last time I went to a conference he met me at the airport and gave me a really tight hug: he was happy to see me. This time I had to wait for a train for a half an hour and then it took me another hour to get home. I had to lug my extremely heavy suitcase up to my apartment one halting step at a time. Some things are just so much easier when you have a man in your life, no matter how much of a clod he is. I really started missing him on Wednesday night.
When I look ahead all I see is a long stretch of hot and unhappy summer. I have a three week vacation in August, but I’m thinking of shortening it. I can’t imagine being home with nothing to do for so long. I really miss my ex, and sometimes I think I would be better off back with him. He didn’t leave me. I left him. If I wanted to go back I think he would take me back and maybe things would be better this time. I’m really going to start thinking about this … if nothing else, the possibility of a reconciliation might help me get through this difficult time (even if it’s somewhat unrealistic).

Now would be a good time to do a set of index cards if you haven't already (see the thought-stopping post on the board website if you don't know what I'm talking about ;-)), and keep them close at hand to review as often as necessary. Maybe in your case, you only have one card: "he doesn't want to marry me"...I seem to recall that was the primary thing you broke up over (and I apologize if I'm misremembering) but maybe there are other negative things as well.
Another thing that occurs to me reading your post...why does the summer have to be long and unhappy? Why can't you make your own fun plans with friends and family? And why would you stay at home for 3 weeks while you're on vacation rather than going somewhere fun at least part of the time? Are there financial reasons you can't travel or whatever?
And I don't think that thinking about a reconciliation will help you. In order to move on, you need to push through the hope that things will work out and get to the other side (acceptance of the reality that you're not right for each other if you strongly want marriage and he doesn't).
Sheri
Thanks for the reminder about the index cards. I actually started a list of things I didn't like about him today. I should be able to write those out on index cards. Maybe I'll do it on July 4.
He actually never said he didn't want to marry me. He said he didn't know and didn't know when he would know. That was enough for me ... after 11 months I kind of thought he should know, and I wanted to marry him, despite some difficulties in the relationship. No, that wasn't the only problem. There were several other problems and things I didn't like about him. I could be kept busy creating index cards for quite some time.
I can't rely on my family, so that's not an option. My friends have all kinds of issues going on in their lives. I can rely on them to some extent, but not that much. I do plan on going to Florida for five days to visit a friend I haven't seen since 2002! But that's the only thing I have planned. Money is an issue. I'd have to dip into savings to go on a vacation I'd really like, and I don't want to do that. I think I'm going to take a shorter vacation and take half days instead of full days. If I don't feel better by then that is. No point in wasting good vacation time pining away you know? I'd rather save it for when I feel better and can take advantage of it. I have no idea how long it will take me to feel good again. I find it's usually unpredictable. Sometimes the half the time you were in the relationship rule works and other times it doesn't.
I think I will always hope that he'll have a change of heart/mind and want to marry me. I think I will probably wish for that until I find someone new.