I Miss My Bestfriend/Partner...
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| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:01am |
I miss him so much, and while i'm here at work holding back tears, snapping at people, and just trying to make it through the day, he's probably sleeping like a baby, maybe even with someone else. It just doesn't seem fair.
The thing that kills me the most, more than missing him/us, is how not too long ago, he told me he couldn't imagine life without me, and that he would never break up with me, i was his perfect women, we are lucky to share what we share..a true soulful connection...and suddenly he bails, and just walks away as if i never exisited..i know in order to truely heal and let go, i have to give up this obsseission of understanding this, and just let go of this, but it haunts me every second of the day. I never thought of it as him feeding me lines because i felt that too, and now i'm wondering what the heck it was we were feeling if this is how it ends up.
We've been friends for almost 6 years. Our situation is somewhat complex, or atleast it was, but we kind of worked through a lot of those complexities. Anyways, about 9 months ago, while the "situation" was still complex..we got a lot closer, more than friends. And there it started, we decided to take it to the next level, and there have been a lot of rough times along the way, but we always found our way through it. So without getting into why we broke up this last time, i'll just say that i broke it off with him this past sunday because i just didn't feel "fulfilled", i didn't feel he was giving his all, and i felt as if i was being taken for granted...he just didn't seem like the same person i fell in love with. I mentioned the things that weren't sitting well with me..because we both always agreed that communication was important, and i believe they're things that with conscious effort that he/we could have worked through..i didn't want to break up, i didn't want to "give up" on us..but apparently he did. He basically said "take it or leave it"..this is how it is, either deal with it and shut up (not his exact words) or leave..so as much as i didn't want to lose him, i had to leave. Why didn't he "fight" for me, for us..why didn't he say he'd do what was in his control to try to "save" our relationship? How can he say that he can't imagine his life without me, and then just walk away? How can i ever come to terms with this? will i ever come to terms with this?
He was my bestfriend. I miss my bestfriend. It's like a double whammy..loss of boyfriend, and bestfriend. It's been 5 days of no contact. No emails or phone calls, and we've never gone this long with any contact. A day after the break up he sent a few joke emails, as if nothing had happened, i didn't respond..but a day after that i sent him an email explaining to him how i felt about him basically just "throwing in his towel", and i don't regret what i wrote because that's how i really feel, but i do have to admit, that the tone in some parts of the email wasn't very pleasant. He never responded, and there's been no contact since. It's a struggle everyday not to email him or call him, because this is so hard, that in the moment sometimes i just want to call, beg him to get back together, and forget any of this happened. But i have to stop myself because i know that A) he may not want to get back together, and that will just kill me, and B) if he does want to get back together, i don't want to go back to the way it was without the changes needed, atleast the attempt to make things healthier. So i just have to keep those things in mind, and it keeps me from calling or emailing him..but it's sooooo hard.
Everday that goes by, it just seems more "final" and more apparent that he really has moved on, and "thrown in his towel" and that itself scares me to death and hurts so bad.

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serenity_77...
The saddest part about your entire post (to PG) is summed up in your final paragraph.
You can only PINE AWAY for a person for so long...then you have to realize that 'turning back time' is no longer an option!
The 'life chapter' the 2 of you shared together is OVER. He has begun a different one.
Now it's time for you to do the same!
Pianoguy
I understand your situation - how can something so important in your life, suddenly disappear the next, like the rug has been pulled from your feet.
Take comfort in the fact you're not the only one - I lost someone I love and someone who I considered my best friend in a snap. It was a devastating experience and three months later, I would be a liar if I said it still doesn't affect me a lot. There really is no reasoning how someone can walk away from you just like that...throwing in the towel. There's no magical solution to this...just have to take it day by day and roll with whatever comes your way. I don't think contacting him is a solution, or even keeping him as a friend - sometimes you just have to realize when things are over and possibly, somehow, your life will be better if you move on.
Best of luck
Thank for sharing and for your compassion, it helps ease the pain a little. It's been 8 days now since the break up and besides the few emails, there has been no contact. He has not called and neither have i, it's hard to believe sometimes that this is where we ended up..strangers, maybe even enemies in his eyes. But i did a lot of thinking over the weekend, i sat with my thoughts and feelings, and i believe i'm doing better. I've atleast taken some strides in starting the healing journey and i feel good about that. I did email him on friday, apologizing for the "not so nice" tone of my last email. I didn't apologize for what i said because that's how i feel/felt. I also poured out my heart and told him that i still loved him and that i missed my bestfriend, and that this break up is really difficult for me etc. He has not responded. At first on Friday, i was angry and really hurt. He has NEVER ignored any of my emails. Then as i said earlier, i sat with my thoughts and feelings throughout the weekend, and i realize that he has his own reasons as to why he chooses not to respond, and i will never know "forsure" what they are, i have my ideas..but really, i cannot judge him, his reasons, and i'm not angry. And letting go of that anger has really lifted a lot of the pain that was just weighing my heart and soul down. Of course i still miss him greatly, but i'm not fighting that anymore.
Thank you again.
Dear Serenety_77,
I can relate to everything you said. I find myself it the same situation and our stories are so achingly simliar. I don't have any advice to give you since I don't have an answer to my own situation. I don't understand how they can tell you to your face that your the only one for them, they want no one else and that they love you deeply and in an instant that's all changed. I feel soul-sick, a hurt deep within and I don't know how to make it better, how to heal. I know how to go through the motions of living, do what needs to get done during the day and to the world it may look as though nothing is different but on the inside my entire world has turn upside down, my heart trampled on and broken. I feel that everything we have been through...the ups and downs, the good and the bad has all been for nothing if we can't make it together in the end. What was the point? In my head I understand that feelings change and sometimes people change but how can they change so rapidly? How can they tell you your everything they want and more and the next day feel as if we have no future together. How does that happen? Like you I'm stuck in the cycle of trying to understand how this can happen, because somehow it might make me feel better if I know it, can put a name to it. My hurt is so fresh (just last night, mere hours ago really) and I know I'll survive to live another day but a large part me is wounded and forever changed. How can we get that part of ourselves back? How do you make it hurt any less? I miss my bestfriend as well.
Dear loveqgirl,
thank you for sharing your experience and your compassion. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, because i know how horrible it is (i don't even think "horrible" even best describes it). Oh, and i really feel for you and know how you feel at it being "so fresh", as much as i still hurt now, i was just saying to myself and God when i woke up this morning, that i'm glad it's not a week ago, because that's when my world came crashing down, and i'm a lot better now as i was compared to last week. I cried when i read your email, especially the last part where you said "I miss my bestfriend as well".
I could barely even go through the motions of "everyday living", doing the things that had to get done. Those first 5 days, i could barely breathe, and i literally had this horrible aching feeling in my soul where i just wanted to curl up into a ball and crawl under my desk when i was at work..i snapped at everyone, and i couldn't stop crying. And those questions that we both have it just haunted me and drove me crazy.
I wish there was one way, for everyone to get through a similar experience but it's a matter of finding what works for you. I can say that for me, it was a matter of not judging his behaviour or lack of behaviour. Only he and God knows his true reasons for what he has done or is doing or not doing now. I have my theories, but they're only theories. And these theories were pretty much the answers i was "needing" to atleast take the first steps in healing and letting go, and i was blessed to have the clarity i needed Friday evening to be able to see the answers that God was placing in front of me. I don't know if you believe in God, and i'm not here to force my beliefs or to preach. But, i do want to share this with you. Friday i went home after work and went straight to my bed with all my fears, anger, judgments, and just curled up and just wanted to die because the pain was so unbearable. I started asking all those questions again, like you and suddenly, i get an urge to call him. I was literally standing over the phone, but before i did, i looked over at the time, and it was only a few minutes after 6pm and i thought, that i would wait a few minutes to call to make sure his phone is turned on..in that few seconds of waiting i was able to conscious enough to talk myself through the scenarios of what would happen if i called, and none of it was good..so i didn't call. I see that as a miracle, not a coincidence. If that urge happen to come at a later time instead of that very moment, i might not have had those few seconds to get clear and go through the scenarios. And with that, i became still and clear as i layed in my bed and suddenly the answers i was looking for were clear..i don't know forsure if my theories are right or which ones are correct, but it was what i needed, and in that instant the horrible pain that i felt within me, the one that was weighing my sould down, was suddenly lifted. Of course this does not mean that i don't hurt anymore, or that i don't wish things turned out differently, or that i don't miss him soooo much, my bestfriend and lover, because i do. And i still think about him from the time i wake up to the time i go to bed..but that is "normal" and i accept that and i don't run from the memories anymore like i used to. I used to run from it because it hurt too much to remember the good times and know that i don't have that with him anymore. I've learned though that the more you run, the more it will chase and haunt you. So what i did, I spent the entire weekend sitting with my thoughts and feelings and allowing myself to feeling whatever feeling came up because i believed that i would survive whatever pain i would feel by remembering..and i did. I basically "mourned" that chapter of my life. I went thorugh all the stuff that had any signifance to him, and us, i allowed my mind to remember those moments, i went to each part of my apt and remembered every amazing moment we ever shared, i pictured him there and said good bye. i was even able to smile at the memories and that was a huge step. I wrote him a good-bye letter, put in the box, and by the end of the weekend, i put that box away. I don't know if that will work for you, but that's what worked for me..so far. like i said, i still hurt and ache and miss my bestfriend..we've never gone this long withougt speaking to eachother. I miss sharing my day with him..just the simple things. but i let myself miss it, and i just keep moving forward, baby steps. And every now and then the questions, some of them, still pop up in my head, but i have to consciously remind myself not to judge and he has his reasons and i should not take it personally. We do whatever we "need" to do deal with someone or a situation, somtimes it might not be the healthiest or the "right" way to do things, and it may hurt others, but we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at that moment, and we shouldn't judge what someone else "needs" at that time.
As to your question, "how can we get that part of ourselves back?" I'm not exactly sure. But maybe it's not about getting that part of our"self" back, but maybe it could be about finding/creating our new "self" with what we have learned from this experience. I'm not sure.
I think it's natural to have these questions, just as i did, and sometimes still do. I believe as you proceed on your healing journey, you will either find the answers to your questions as i did, or you will find a way to release that need for those answers, and then, i believe that pain that we feel deep in our soul will be lifted and it will be easier to breathe, remember and smile.
I think we should keep this support up since our situation is so similar, we can help eachother through this.
You will be in my prayers and thoughts, email me anytime, and keep me posted.
I read your post and it sounds identical to something I would have written. Trust me I know exactly how you feel and I wish I could say something...anything to make you feel better. I left my boyfriend of 4 years on the 11th (god I think I will always remember that date!) because I always felt as though I was at the end of his priority list. I always felt like I was crying out to him to acknowlege me. Anyway, we ended up getting into an arguement and he said to me "If you think that you can find someone better than leave your key on the table and go." Well, I went and I was devastated!! For the first week each passing day seemed to get worse. When I woke up I immedietly thought of him, I hated to wake up in the morning. I would check my phone/email every 5 minutes just waiting for him to call...he never did. Of course, that was probably the best thing he could have done for me. About 1 week ago I woke up and thought, "I left him because he made me feel bad and now that I am not with him I am still letting him make me feel bad by doing this to myself everyday." For some reason this realization helped me. I got myself together and started living again and with the help of my wonderful girlfriends I realized how much better I was without him. No more pain, no more worrying if he cared. Well, here I am 18 days later and the phone rings...it was him! My stomach turned and I felt so weak...just seeing his number terrified me because I knew that he could take away all of the strenght that I had gotten back. I answered the phone (which I probably shouldn't have) and he was a mess. He was begging me back and swore that he would try harder. He said he finally realized how he took advantage of me and that he would never do it again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I got up the courage to tell him that I couldn't go back to him. I wanted to sooooooo bad and when I got off the phone I cried but I knew that things would be great for about a month but would then return to the same old.... It hurts but I know I made the right decision and I feel so wonderful that I had the courage to say no and not get sucked back in. If you left him then you must know that you deserve better and you will find it!! I know everyone says this but it really does work, write a list of all the reasons you shouldn't be with him. Keep it close to you for those moments when you feel bad...it helps. Do not call or email him...that just gives him power over you and he will know that!! Hopefully you can find your peace soon and get to the point where you know that you too deserve better!!
Good luck and keep your head up!!!
Jessica
Hi Jessica,
As i read your reply, i was thinking that it sounded just like what i went through. I felt exactly the same way as you, like i kept reaching out and "calling" out to him, but the more i did the more he withdrew. Of course there were many good days, but like you stated, it's good for a little bit, and goes right back to the way it was. I felt taken for granted. It really hurt me when i'd be with this man who supposed to be my bestfriend/lover, and yet a lot of the times when i was around him i just felt empty. It wasn't the way it used to be. The connection the bond that we used to share, what brought us to the next level of our relationship, that amazing feeling we shared that made us go beyond friendship, something we shared for 6 years...well all the connection was somehow lost. And i knew it in my soul for months, but i just kept trying to get it back somehow, but i just couldn't, no matter what i tried. I used to wish that i could be okay with that, that it didn't bother me just so i could still be with him..but my heart and soul wasn't having any of that anymore. The first 5 days were the worst for me, and i'm thankful i'm on day 8 now because i am feeling better although i still miss him. Those first 5 days when i would think about wanting to go back to him (i don't even think he would have taken me back anyways), i'd have to stop myself and consciously remind myself that i obviously left for a reason, because i wasn't getting what i desired, i was unhappy. I'd have to remind/reason with myself saying, "if you were happy, why would you break up with him knowing you'd have to endure all this?" that is what keeps me from calling him. Everytime i get the urge, i think of that, and i go through every scenario possible of the outcome of me calling him, and none of it is good, so that stops me and brings me back to sanity and reality. My turning point was on day 5, Friday evening and i wrote about that somewhere along this thread.
When you told me that the phone rang and it was him and how you were scared, my heart sank too. And it's wierd because i was just thinking lastnight before i went to bed that, yes, deep inside there still apart of me that hopes he'll call and tell me he realizes everything and has worked on his issues and wants to try again(most likely not going to happen)..i still check my phone as soon as i get home in hopes of seeing his # even though i know he won't because if he's gone this long, which he never has in 6 years, it doesn't look like he will. Anyways, then i was thinking, although apart of me wants that phone call, i was also thinking how i don't and how terrified i would actually be if he did call, because just like what you said, i'm terrified that all the work i've put in, all the healing i've done could be wipped away in an instant just with his phone call! So i realized in someway, he is doing me a favour, even though it still hurts. I know i've come a long way in my healing process in just a short period of time, but wow, i don't think i could have done what you did..i'd like to believe that i could, but i'm not sure if i'm there yet, to turn him away like you did..so i guess i'm lucky he hasn't called.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. You are an inspiration..thank you.
Wow....thanks so much for sharing your story. It's amazing how alone we can feel when we go through things such as this. Then when we think that nobody in the world would ever understand what we are going through someone steps up, shares their story and says "I too am where you are." I hate that anyone has to feel this type of pain but it is comforting to know you are not alone and that there is at least one other person in the world who understands. I could have written your post...I felt alone, rejected and used for 4 years. When he called, trust me, my heart sank. I was at my worst and wanted to talk to him so badly for so many days and just when I gather enough strength to feel as though I am going to be fine he calls. Figures!! Like I said, I shouldn't have answered but I needed to know and I wanted him to know that I had the strength to say no to him and that his days of manipulating and taking advantage of me were over. When I told him "no" he was quite surprised and said "I guess you found someone else more important than me then", I replied with a "yes, and that person is me."
When he called I realized how stupid he must have thought I had been all those years and it made me angry....which helped quite a bit. The sad part is that though I say these things I can't say that I am over it. Sadly, I still love him and the phone call set me back that night and the next day but I made it through. I still think about how wonderful it would be if I did go back and he did change....Wow, how we fool ourselves.
I am sorry for what you are going through, I know exactly how hard it can be. At times it seems as though there are more bad days then good and I find myself thinking about him quite often but with each passing day it is less and less.
Thank You sooooo much for sharing your story with me, I really needed that today!!
Take care
Jessica
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for sharing your story too. It really does help and there is comfort to feel like you're not the only one going through this even though you don't wish this kind of pain upon anyone. That part in your post where you were talking about your ex saying, "i guess you found someone more important then", before i read on to read your answer to him, i was thinking, "yeah, me!", and then i read that you said that! That was great, i love it! Hopefully one day i'll get the chance to say that too, but i don't think he'll call. I'd like to "redeem myself" i guess. At the same time that i wish for that opportunity, i'm also terrified that he may call one day and it will make me take a million steps backwards in my healing.
You are an inspiration..thank you,
Christie
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