i need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
i need advice
3
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 3:47pm

I need some advice, I am 26 years old and was with my partner for 2 and a half years, he left his wife and kids and we got together (something im not proud of) he is going to be 40 next week, we moved to london and i lived with him, at the start of the relationship we discussed exploring 3somes ect and i said i was curious, as time went on i decided i did not want to do it, he kept putting pressure on me. he bought a computer and signed us up to a swinger website and we would have sex in front of a webcam (for this i needed to be drunk) as time went on i decided i valued myself more and would not do it again. i was sexually abused when i was young and find sex difficult especially people touching me, he used to get frustrated and say our sex life was boring as i was no longer willing to talk about 3 somes or be tied up ect. he watched a ot of porn and would be on internet porn for hours when i was not in, i used to go mad at this as i felt that i was not good enough for him as he struggled to manitain an erection around me and often needed extra stimulus. I became very distant to him as i felt i did not turn him on and only 3some and bondage porn did. whilst living together we would get drunk and row a lot and often he would kick me out of the flat only to apologise the next day
in january this year i moved out of his flat as he told me he was going on a lads weekend to amsterdam and the night before he went i found the confirmation and he was going with him a mate and 2 grls, i asked him not to go but he went so i moved out. when he came back he begged me to move back in and i said no - telling him i needed time and we could date for a while, he kept pressuring me. i found texts on his phone from another woman he assured me they were just friends but as i did not trust him i asked him after weeks to cut off contact with her, he told me he would and then 2 weeks later i would find more texts, this happened 5 times, he promised he would not speak to her and did, when confronted he told me she was a friend and i should not be as jealous as not to allow him to have female friends. he told me i was mad and should see a doctor. last monday i found out for the past 5 months he has been sleeping with this woman who is in love with him. he lied to her too and told her he was single. he slept with her in our bed in the flat. he blamed me and said i had been too distant with him over the past 7 months and that he felt i was stringing him along, he said i did not support him or listen to him in his custody battle with his children (which he has now won) and that she did and it just went futrther.
before i found out about the affair he gained ustody of his children and would be moveing from london where i have a good job to a small town 100 miles away, i was willng to move with him and take on the 2 childre, yet he says i was never supportive

He is now begging me to come back saying hewill never contact her agin, he has thrown away his mobile phone and tells me he will be faithful to me
im scared to let him go cos i love him, i have no friends in london and am not a very confident person, i am scaed i will be alone, but im scared if i go back to him onw i would not trust him and it would send me mad with worry or that he will do it again]any advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 6:43pm

Why would you move in with this man again? Isn't the humilliation and cheating not enough for you? With his promiscuity he even can give you an STD or AIDS!! This man is a sex addict and that addiction is his life. He can say "I'll quit" but the urges are stronger. He won't quit, he will do it in hiding and will continue his promiscuity as he was before. The only reason he's begging you to come back is because he needs you now to take care of his children hon. The only thing he needs for his pleasure is his hand and porn to get aroused and fly solo.

If you moved out and could make it, you can make it again. If you need to come back to the US come back and start fresh. If you go back you know what to expect in a few days, weeks, months and years....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:42pm

Unfortunately you had to learn a very hard lesson. We you cheat with a man and end up "winning" him, all you've won is a man you know is capable of cheating.

I tottally agree with the other poster. This man is bad news. Any man who not only cheats, but blames you for the cheating isn't worth your time.

You need to stay strong and move on.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 6:18am

I'm not sure what there is to be confused about, this breakup is probably the very best thing that could have happened for you.


Wow, how unhealthy and bad for you this relationship was.

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